BubbleBlog

been awhile

2011-09-10T13:54:00.001-07:00

anndddddd too many things have happened. I feel like this is where i can find solace. jhaha

Cactus for a Friend

I never meant to hurt you,
It never was my plan,
Don’t think I would desert you
If this was in my hands
But sometimes life throws things at us that we cannot foresee
And that is what has happened here now between you and me
But I hope that you will understand
there’s a place where we can still be friends
if by chance our paths do cross again
We will see some friendships never end.

So if we ever happen
To start to grow apart
And distance becomes more than
Just physically far
If we grow up and find ourselves changing from where we are,
then maybe we can go our ways and mutually depart
But I hope that we can understand
There’s a place where we can still be friends,
And if by chance life helps our paths to cross again
You will see some friendships never change.

So wipe the mark of sadness from my face,
show me that your love will never change.
And if my yesterday is a disgrace
tell me that you still recall my name

you be me

2011-05-18T17:43:00.000-07:00

Written for a dear friend of mine,. *sigh*

Please just hear lend me your ear
How in the world did we end up here?
It’s been 4 months much less a year
But it feels like more
with the sweat and tears
Used to be we were close and near
What’s this growing distance I fear?
I wish all our problems were laid and clear
But I guess life is more like broken mirrors dear
I don’t know what goes on inside your head
Even more confused after the things you’ve said,
I won’t guess, cuz all that stress from guessing
Would leave me tired and brain dead
It doesn’t mean I haven’t tried
But I won’t lie when I say I
Have no idea how or why
We see some things from such different eyes.
Apparently the way we see has led to all this hostility
And I know most of the problem lies with me
Maybe this was never meant to be.
Never meant to be…
Never meant to be free and easy,
webs are concrete til the wind starts to get breezy.

2011-05-03T22:12:00.001-07:00

it wasn't until i read my journal today did I realize that I owe a ton to LightsArmy.

I think we forget that the advice to "forget yourself and go to work" applies to something outside the mission. When you're down, get to work. Whether this means exercise, job, school, or service, get to work. Forget about yourself. The world is too big. i'm not saying forget about your feelings, bury them deep inside, and make yoursel resentful. There is a time and place to confide those feelings in God and others. But we must not be too careless that we become ungrateful.

That's what I need to do. Get back to work. LightsArmy has been great. But it might be a little too much for me to handle right now.

Spring Term

2011-04-24T09:54:00.000-07:00

So. My parents came up, got my brother and sister, and have returned home now. I never realized how much I enjoy their company. I woke up this morning to an empty house and it was then I realized how much I do love them. Even though they may be crazy sometimes I miss them now and I wish I could have been a better older brother. I could have done so much more.

Spring term is gonna be really different now. For the first time I will not have any roommates or people I live with. i thought I'd be ok but I realized that with all the recent turmoil this might be harder than I thought.

Anyway, I'm changing my diet for Spring. No more fast food (at least, no more than once a week), no more soda, and cutting back on sweets. Gonna beef up on vegetables (haha interesting juxtaposition there), fruits, and fiber. I don't know how much time I'd have to exercise but I want to eat healthier and cut back on all the fat that I've gathered this past year.

Elusive

2011-04-17T23:20:00.000-07:00

i'm starting to realize how elusive friendship can be. or maybe it's not that. Maybe it's like what Lights said, that "seems like the more you grow the more time you spend alone, and before you know it you end up perfectly alone". It's been a long time since I've had to listen to "Face Up". Life is hard.

Letter

2011-04-04T22:22:00.001-07:00

Sometimes I wish you never left. Or at least told us completely what the reason was for why you abandoned us. And that's what it felt like. And it hurt even more to not know how to stop you from doing it. It was, in all honesty, utterly the most selfish thing you could have done, yet having been in your position I also completely understand that I don't completely understand, and that at a certain point you just don't want to care anymore.

It's weird that you were the one person that I could talk to. More understanding than Mel, more in tune than Hannah, and even more so than Brianne at this moment. Especially at this moment. And these are the nights I miss you the most, when one feels like an island amidst friends and you just want to talk.

You're always in my thoughts and prayers. Wherever you are now I hope God is watching you because I no longer can't.

Sum of All Achievements

2011-03-28T16:14:00.000-07:00

i think it's kinda funny that the entirety of human technology and achievement has come down to this; that quite simply, we have mastered the ability to exterminate ourselves. Congratulations humanity!

I can imagine a symposium of all mother nature's animals gathering together to talk about their latest achievements. Some animals will have extreme speed, power, agility. There will be kewl inventors like African termites who are master constructors and who have created air conditioning. There will be gross animals like finches who are designed to dive bomb other birds til they vomit so the finches can eat the vomit up. Then humanity, the darling of mother nature, will be asked, "so, what are your latest accomplishments.

The human will get up and say, "get this. We can exterminate ourselves!"
Then the following responses:

Lion: D:
Penguin: D:
Rhino: D:
gross finches: D:

Mother Nature: Um, congratulations humanity. You've uh...you've been working on that for quite a while.

Human being: Yep.

Mother Nature: is that it?

Human Being: Uh. Yeah. It's the entire sum of our achievements. It's what we've been aiming for.

Human smiles proudly.

"Good for you," Mother Nature says as she slowly turns to another animal, a clear look of horrid, shock, and concern on her face gasping at the thought that for all the hard work she did and humanity themselves did, that this was what they had come up with.

Self-Reflection

2011-03-22T23:52:00.000-07:00

So. Things have been quiet relatively. Nothing much going on here. I don't know what to say these days anymore. Besides, now I have FOUR blogs. YES. Count that! That's not even including my xanga and ign video game blogs. Gah. Man i do love to write sometimes don't I? :)

I'm also realizing that I have trouble letting people get close to me. As soon as someone gets too close I tend to push them away. i don't know why that is. MAYBE, it's people like Allena who completely blindsided me with what she did. But. That's over. And now I gotta deal with Brianne. And myself.

I've been in a self-reflecting mood lately, trying to understand myself better, and I know that that involves God at some point or other. As mentioned previous, what really motivates me? Why am I afraid of getting close to people? Am I actually a hard person to get along with? Where did I come from and where am I going? Jay kay on that last one.

Confessions

2011-03-15T12:13:00.000-07:00

So I admit that I'm not the hardest worker neither am I the fastest, most focused, or most motivated. In fact, I'm just pretty average. A lot of times my motivation flags and I'm dead in the water. This makes me more admire people like Kobe Bryant who seems to be motivated no matter what. Even when they've already achieved the height of their profession not once, but five times! And this guy is STILL motivated. Inspirational.I just need to find what my motivation is. Is it to be the very best like no one ever was? A lot of times it is, but then...what do I want to be the best at? Everything? Is that even possible? Is it to leave a legacy of enduring, pushing forward, and persevering against all odds? Sometimes, but that itself is sometimes depressing. Is it to be a good friend, the best person, and loyal person? I don't know. Whatever it is, I need to find it. Some soul searching is in need. I certainly know what Charlie Sheen's is.

Sometimes when I miss class, people attribute it to my lack of care, carefulness, or lazinesss. Sometimes it's true. But sometimes it's false (really, there's only true and false here people). What do I mean? for example, today I was late to Chinese class. Why? Not because i didn't care (ok, maybe a bit of that), but because I was talking to a friend who was talking to me about her thoughts on death and her life. Tell me which is a more serious issue to address at 12 on tuesday. Going to class? or helping someone with depression? And really, a lot of times that's what it was. I was late to the korean Festival last Saturday because a friend was telling me about her life and the struggles she was going through. Call me lazy, but I also understand that sometimes, improving someone's life is not about doing the grandiose things, but just being someone who listens. Really.

Tipping Point

2011-03-11T13:55:00.001-08:00

I have no social life. This is the bottom of the ditch.

I thought about it last week. When do I talk to people? School, work, and Church (including church related activities like home teaching). That's it. Well, there's basketball. i play every week with the same group of people. But I never hang out with them outside of basketball.

I go to school, then work, then come home and surf the internet/do homework (cuz they're the same thing right?). On Sundays I go to Church and say "hi" to people i don't see for the next 6 days. When was the last time I did something FUN? or even social? Asides from going out to eat with my brothers and sisters... the last thing I can remember doing for fun maybe two months ago. Maybe that's why my motivation's gone.

Is it weird, or any wonder, that more than half of my closest friends now consist of LightsArmy members and the only people that like me are teenage LightsArmy girls?

So I'm gonna resolve to reinvigorate one of my New Year's Resolutions, to accept, whenever possible, any invites to do anything with anyone. I need to go out of my way to say hi to people and meet people. I need to start dating again. Seriously, with Finals fast approaching and taking extra work hours now, I need SOMETHING to keep me afloat or else I will burn out. Life is more than school and work right? Or am I just getting lazy these days? -__-;

motivation

2011-03-09T06:42:00.001-08:00

For some reason... I've had no motivation to do anything this semester. It's like i'm a buoy, floating lifeless in the water. So..what is wrong with me? I don't know. I know what I'm doing and what I want to do AND I'm doing it, but for whatever reason, I'm just going through the motions. I don't know.

In other news, I'm tutoring LightsArmy kids. LOL

in Light of recent events

2011-03-02T23:17:00.001-08:00

...cherish everyone around you. You never know when someone is fighting a hidden battle. Sometimes, when you see it openly it's already too late.

We are Rockets in the Sky

2011-02-26T17:03:00.001-08:00

As I write this I just finished playing basketball and I am supposed to be getting ready to go home teaching which is in an hour. And even more so, since I doubt I'm going to get anything to eat at home teaching, and since I haven't eaten all day, I should be eating. But I can't. No, I'm not anorexic. I just lost my appetite. And everything else suddenly doesn't matter.

The curse of being a good listener and a trustworthy person is that people entrust you with their secrets and things they don't tell anyone else. Sure, being a keeper of secrets has it's thrilling parts that comes inherent with secrecy, but there also come agonizing moments when you are torn with what to do when given a secret. This is one of those moments.

Why are friendships so temporary? Why do they not last very long? How can one person hurt you so badly in a way nothing and no one else can? I guess it's because they become such a big part of your life and caring for someone requires sacrificing something that is such an integral part of you. You sacrifice sovereignty and part of your freedom. So when someone that has been a part of your life suddenly leaves, and furthermore, not only disrupts your future but changes your past memories, it cuts. Deep.

And when that someone leaves on relatively good grounds you're left with the bitterness of mystery and the unknown. You question everything and it tears your basic foundations.

So I sit here. And think. And remember that this is both the curse of being a keeper of secrets and for loving/caring for people in general. The hardest part is keeping it to yourself.

But it's ok. We'll survive right? Sometimes, we are just rockets in the sky. forget me, go your own way. It's been a long time since I've felt like this and it's easy to just close yourself up. But things will always be all right. It's been good.

Between Two Worlds

2011-02-24T10:29:00.000-08:00

Last Friday I did my traditional (or soon to be traditional) thing I do every two Friday nights. I hung out and played with the VGAME club. Truth be told, it was like going back to 4th grade again and playing Goldeneye with my friends. What does that mean? I just mean that it's been so long since I've played video games with a group of friends (Mike and Luke aside). It was 4 friggin hours of gaming bliss. But at the end of the night, as we were waiting for the President to wrap up the gaming session, the club members were talking about, what else?, GAMES. And I found myself not understanding half the jargon being said. 3/5's (yes, I used an obscure fraction) of the way through this conversation I realized something; am I still considered a gamer? Had I slowly, but surely, lost connection with the gaming mainstream? Granted, I chipped in here and there and felt good about myself, but I realized I had was lost for a large portion of the conversation.

My gaming tendencies still tend to leave me as a gamer when viewed by the general student body (ESPECIALLY at BYU I would say), but after reading Audrey's blog, realizing that no gaming websites are in my top 8 most viewed sites (3 of them are blogs for goodness' sake!), and that most of LightsArmy coming up are gamers (this includes the majority of every teenage girl on LightsArmy, yes I realized I used "majority" followed by "every") I recognized that it's just not as integral a part of me as it used to be, and that I'm neither gamer nor non-gamer (a casual gamer almost!)

The reason why this happened is probably because I'm at BYU where I've been so streamlined into the focus of dating that I've just become this one-dimensional cookie-cutter male student at BYU (and I'm not saying dating isn't a bad thing to focus on). I've kinda become what they want me to become. I guess the real question is then, do I mind? No. Not at all actually. There are attributes that I've developed that I feel are useful to life and this next stage to my life might just be a natural evolution of me. There are some aspects of gaming that I'd rather not return to too.

However, I would like to re-explore my roots though and have more of a balance to my life. A little gaming never hurt anyone.

When Circles Collide

2011-02-19T22:58:00.001-08:00

Oh no. Don't tell me that another round of engagements is happening... Wow. It's crazy. That's about three now (Dezzy just got engaged o_o). This might sound mean, but there were two people that I was wondering when they would get married. Euseung Park, my mission trainer, and Desiree Gahr, my good friend from back home. And now knowing they're both gonna be married?? Mind = blown. Am i getting that old? How many real life single friends will I have left?? AH!~ Ugh. When I go back to my single's ward I will have no one to hang out with. AH!

But that's now what I want to address today. I just wanted to say quickly, I'm always so distraught over those moments when you show up at a social gathering and you have different sets of friends wanting you to hang out with them. Who do you hang out with? The first answer is "all of them", and it's usually not too difficult when your friendship with some groups of friends are closer than others. But WHAT if you're equal closeness with all of them? And when you hang with one group you feel like you're betraying another. GAh. Then you wonder if you've somehow lessened the importance of your friendship, but you don't want to ask. When different circles of friends collide it's always kinda stressful for me.

I guess that's why I dislike birthday parties. Ugh.

Darn You Lights

2011-02-16T20:50:00.000-08:00

Darn you Lights you did it again. Many times when I have a major reflection her song is somehow in the background. Perhaps it's destiny that Lights' music would illuminate these times in my life. Perhaps it's because God wills it that way. Perhaps it's because I listen to her so darn much. Darn you Lights.

What exactly happened? Well, one of my best friends called me and told me he just got engaged. SWEET! Especially since I played a part in bringing them together. Ka-Ching. Pretty kewl huh? Impressed? Yeah, thought so. My match-making skills are just that impressive. (though an argument could be made that Starcraft did it's part too. Ya know. since it brought Luke and I together. What? Don't judge, one of your bf's came from WoW. YEah. That's right. What now?).

I told my friend that this new fact would only hit me a little later as most big, life-altering things do. But as we ended the call and I hung up a familiar tune played itself out. Oh no? Oh yes. It was Lights' "Last Thing on Your Mind" and it hit me like the feeling when you realize you just forgot to take a midterm last week or, since maybe that doesn't apply to many people but me, the like the feeling of realization that you just moved into a new place away from other people. A sudden realization that things are different and that life has once again shifted. A new era is beginning, and things will never be the same anymore. Again.

Yeah, I admit I'm a big sucker for nostalgia so things like this carry extra potency. However it makes me think. Maybe I should take marriage more seriously and stop just dating for fun. I mean, I never really dated with the intention of getting married. Sure, I would have loved a relationship, but even in those instances it never played out in my mind of culminating in marriage. In my life where I straddle (ok, sorry, weird word choice there) two worlds there is one aspect where I am still young and there is no pressure.

But like i said, the times, they are a changin. And like before, somehow, Lights' songs have always been the one prompting me to feel a certain way and think certain things. Here we go again. ... This should be fun.

W.M.L.H.B.

2011-02-09T21:41:00.000-08:00

It's a sad day for my social life (and in my life in general) when one of the people I talk to the most is a 9th grade LightsArmy girl from Ohio. -___-;;

hope she doesn't see this.

Humility

2011-02-07T21:56:00.001-08:00

It's a lesson that I've had to learn over and over and over again. Right when I feel like I have it, it slips out of my reach. Right when I think I'm a pretty humble guy, I'm reminded of ways that i am not.

On my mission, it was my biggest goal. To be humble. And it was where I finally, FINALLY, learned what humility was because it's not until you reach a certain level of self-respect and self-understanding that you realize what it means to be humble. It isn't until you come to know who you are and be OK with it that you can be humble.

i learned this the hard way on my mission as I struggled to learn how to be a good missionary. My trainer would tell me things I could improve on, but I always took it as condescending and someone thinking they're better than me. I knew they didn't mean it directly, but I thought it was just subtle, maybe even subconscious, and I took it that way.

The one day, in one of those moments where you suddenly see your life differently, my trainer took me into a room to talk and then to pray. And then I as I was praying it hit me.

Humility is the ability to take what someone else is saying and honestly say, without any snideness or self-defeating notions, "You know what? Maybe he's right. Maybe I AM that way. Maybe I DO need to change. Maybe what I've been doing has been wrong all this time. Maybe.... I'm wrong". You see how you need to understand yourself for this to work? There can't be a feeling of "well, let me try it your way and I'll prove you wrong!" or "I hate myself and I suck, everything i do is not right". That's not humility, it's pride in the former, and ...surprisingly, pride in the latter (because you can't have it your way so you hate everything and give up).

It's always a hard thing to do. Whenever someone says something, even as a suggestion, the FIRST thought that enters our minds is retaliation or retreat. Often times it doesn't even occur to us what was said, but rather how it made us feel. It takes practice to find yourself saying "No. Maybe I got to look at this differently and change my ways" and to do it truthfully to yourself.

favorites

2011-02-03T14:19:00.000-08:00

from daphna

cuz i'm bored

Favorite cookie: anything chocolate chip cookie or a variation/combination of it
Favorite flower: um.... i haven't really thought of this...
Favorite pizza: alfredo pizza! yum. or one of those dessert pizzas. :D
Favorite class of all time: high school: English? College: Chinese 101
Favorite book: Book of Mormon :P Next would probably be Bible. :P :P

Favorite color: red
Favorite magazine: Sports Illustrated/Nintendo Power
Favorite day of the week: Friday/Saturday
Favorite cuisine: Mexican
Favorite dish: satay chicken (cuz it's the only real dish i know how to cook haha)
Favorite holiday: Christmas and the season and Valentine's day (jay kay about v-day :P)
Favorite season: Spring
Favorite scent: whatever the girl next to me is wearing. hahahaha.
Favorite movie: 12 Angry Men
Favorite Disney character: blondie/Rapunzel/Flynn/Pascal
Favorite board game: no favorites
Favorite music genre: Electro-Pop/Hip-Hop
Favorite drink: Powerade
Favorite scripture: no favorites. Though John 14:27 is good.
Favorite apostle: President Eyring/Elder Holland

tumblr

2011-02-02T09:48:00.000-08:00

since most of my lightsArmy friends are on tumblr, I've created tumblrs. Yes, plural. Two of them. As in it takes "two" to tango. One is ruenarke.tumblr.com which is more like a dream journal. The other is byugle.tumblr.com which is where i will rant about anything BYU and my experience there. The thing is, I'm trying to decide if there is enough stuff to combine the two.

I wanted Ruenarke to be mostly tailored to my secular, LightsArmy, and casual friends, while having Byugle open to anyone and to anyone who wants to say anything as well as a place where I may approach a spiritual topic if I wanted to. Thing is, there are also deep reflections that I want on BOTH tumblrs that I want both my lightsArmy/non-LDS friends and all my other friends to see. Since Ruenarke is supposed to be just a dream journal I also don't want it to be flooded with too many posts outside of just dreams. I also want the Byugle to be more of a formal/semi-objective blog while keeping Ruenarke casual. two separate tumblrs for two separate purposes.

I guess what I'm trying to say is I would love it if all my friends followed both and contributed to both, but I just don't think that's reasonable or very convenient. So until I figure something out or until someone has a better idea i'm going to keep up both of them (in addition to this blog :D).

2011-01-30T09:21:00.000-08:00

I don't know if I've written this before....but...

1 Corinthians 10:13 - There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.

I reread that verse this past Monday as I was thinking "Why do I have my particular weaknesses?" I know everyone is unique in their circumstances and if we were to throw all our trials into a pile and pick which ones we want we'd probably pick our own. But the first part of this verse says that everyone goes through similar things and the temptations we have are common to everyone. Summed up perfectly by Lights "the way you feel is something everybody goes through", but though we feel similar feelings the thing that makes us feel that way is different for everybody.

i think the verse after is essential. As is with everything in the Gospel ACTION must follow FAITH, and so Paul write in verse 14 "Wherefore, my dearly beloved, flee from idolatry" (italics added). Some people wonder "Well, how come I keep falling yielding to temptation and feeling so weak when God won't let us be tempted more than we can resist?"

One reason is that we constantly walk at the edge of the cliff. Sooner or later you will fall. And even then God probably can't catch you. We need to do our part and stay away as much as we can because "I, the Lord am bound when ye do what i say; but when ye do not what I say, ye have no promise" (D&C 82:10).

Influential People Part 2

2011-01-22T09:44:00.000-08:00

continuing from the last post...

And then of course, every date I've ever been on I've learned something from that person. i don't know if I've ever had a bad date. Hopefully I didn't jinx it.

And finally, of course, we have LIGHTS. She surprises me every now and then in the wisdom she displays proving that she is not just another carbon-copy musician. There are times when I even find her inspirational. Her message seems to be a constant one of "find who you are and be happy with yourself", and her life is a constant example of that. There are times in an interview where she starts talking about WoW or really (like really) nerdy stuff (for example, one time she said "RL" instead of "real life" during an interview XD) that makes me kinda cringe thinking, "oh Lights, you just revealed how much of a geek and weirdo you really are". But she doesn't seem to care and you would think she's either too airheaded or innocently oblivious to all this until you come to hear her talk about her past or when she gives advice to people. Things like "it's not cool to be popular" or "honestly, if you don't fit in, you're doing something right". And when you really get to know her you realize that all this was born out of a somewhat tragic high school experience.

So yeah, she smiles way too much, she laughs way too much, her inner kid reveals itself a little way too much, but maybe that's why we love her, because she reminds us that it IS possible to be yourself with a sincere unconcern in feeling you need to be what the world wants you to be.

Influential People part 1

2011-01-22T09:21:00.001-08:00

I was thinking the other day how much other people have changed my life, or changed how I viewed myself or life. For example, of course my parents figure prominently into this. My dad has always taught me to not do things half-heartedly. If I was going to do something I should complete it. As crazy as it sounds, it is now only beginning to dawn on me what this means. But I've also learned from him in other indirect ways. He always seems so confident of himself and assertive. When he wants to know something he doesn't hesitate to ask even, at times, to my own embarrassment. He will not stop pursuing something until he knows what he wants to do know and, if he's making a decision, until he exhausts all his options.

Just this past break we went to Wal-Mart to check out my tires. He didn't think anything of it to just stroll into the garage and start asking everyone about things as if he was king of the place. Some guys were on their lunch breaks, and this one older gentleman was working on another car and my dad went in and started asking him questions. I was like "um...they're on their lunch breaks..." but I should have known my dad doesn't really listen to what I have to say if he has something he wants to do in mind. Thankfully, the older guys were more than courteous enough to answer his questions.

I'm not sure if it's because my dad is a little clueless to what's going on or if he thinks everyone is created to serve him, but I do wonder sometimes what he thinks others think of him. He doesn't seem to care at all (sometimes to a negative effect such as when he started cussing out this store owner in Florida, LOL). He's not afraid to go after what he wants.

Feminism

2011-01-19T21:25:00.001-08:00

My thoughts and opinions of a certain kind of feminism:

I've had a thought forming since last spring and feel now that it is developed enough to write. I'm a bit appalled at the feminist movement whose mission seems to be the degradation of household chores and traditionally feminine roles in the home. Why not, dare I suggest, flip it around and contend that instead of females needing to be more like males that males need to be more like females? Or, more specifically, why not insist that males do more household chores and assume more tasks traditionally assigned to women? Why am I so appalled?

"It is well established among us that you may hold up your head in polite society with a public lie in your mouth or other people's money in your pocket or innocent blood on your hands, but not with dishwater on your hands or mud on your shoes" (The Hidden Wound, Wendell Berry, 13).

You see, the basic root of the problem, viewed in this particular way, is not sexism at all. It is the basic assumption that somehow, traditionally feminist roles are inferior, and when attached to a woman, somehow then makes that woman inferior. It is the role when attached to the woman through generations of tradition that has made the woman inferior. It's not even the actual task that is considered inferior, but the social stigma and meaning attached to it that makes it inferior in people's minds. Those tasks are NOT inherently inferior, but they have come to have that connotation because of society. The danger then becomes:

"When a nation determines that the work of providing and caretaking is 'nigger work' or work for 'hillbillies' or 'rednecks' - that is, fundamental, necessary, inescapable, and inferior - then it has implanted in its own soul the infection of ruin" (113).

It is not a problem of sex, gender, or race. At this point it becomes the thought implanted in some people that certain kinds of people are exempt from certain kinds of work, and because of this thought that somehow those who are exempt from lower status work are superior. It is why racism did not bring about slavery of the blacks, but rather slavery birthed racism towards the blacks. Unable to bring their Christian consciousness and words in line with their deeds, these slaver owners used racism as a justification for enslaving humans who were, by faith, their equals and their brothers and sisters (this may be why verses in the scripture talking about following their faith with actions rings hollow and are explained away in some Christian churches). Whites felt exempt from work performed by the blacks, and feeling superior, naturally came to see the blacks as inferior. What started out as a form of cheap labor evolved into a school of thought that justified slavery.

Back in the beginnings of humanity, males traditionally hunted for food, while females gathered. It was the maximization of the strengths of the two genders. Somewhere in our history, female roles became delegated as secondary, less important, but necessary work and became looked down upon. This elevated the status of the male.

And this line of thought in comparison with that of the line of thought to feminism is absolutely ridiculous especially in a time and age where there is a sense of entitlement and growing rifts in class and growing feelings of superiority. Ironically, the aim and any subsequent success of the above brand of feminism is not solving the problem of sexism (or racism, or classism), but is succession into converting the movement into the ideals of traditional white male ruled, classic capitalistic society.

200th post

2011-01-18T22:23:00.000-08:00

So it's my 200th post. YAy.

This Timed Semester

2011-01-06T07:41:00.000-08:00

Oh man, this semester is gonna kill. All 5 classes are complete heavyweights, plus 18 hours of work (including two very early morning shifts), and I still want to exercise as much as I can. Kill me slowly...btw, how come I always make friends in the classes I intend to drop? haha.

Student: Are the exams timed?

Teacher: Yes. You have 2-3 days. Does that sound reasonable?

Student: Yes.

Teacher: Of course, the semester is timed too. You got about 4 months to complete it.

Dang... did anyone else realize that? It's a 4 month timed exam....

Things I've learned over the break:

- how to insert a graphics and some more basic stuff about computers

- tires, snow chains

- how furnaces work

Yeah. Random stuff. Speaking of furnaces. Ours isn't working too great, so this guy named Ted came over to look at it. And while he was here we started talking about the Gospel and it was great to hear his optimism despite his children's unfortunate circumstances. It was good to hear his testimony and to share that even though he was just a guy that came over to look at our furnace.

Awkward moment #1506, first of the semester:

I was walking and saw this girl who I thought looked like Cheryl. And since cheryl never comes onto campus I was so excited that I turned around and waved. Unfortunately, it wasn't Cheryl. Just a girl who looks incredibly like her. So she stood there confused. I just put down by arm, turned back around, and continued walking like nothing happened.

hahaha. yeah.

2011

2011-01-02T22:06:00.000-08:00

LISTENING TO: Club Can't Handle Me by Flor Rida

winter's left a cover....

Haven't made my new years' resolutions yet. still having them form in my mind, and church today especially helped. I think my emphasis this year will be enhancing and improving everything from last year. For example, I want to fast every fast Sunday (something I've started not doing as much), and I want to start memorizing scriptures again. I also want to write in my journal at least once a week (on top of this blog and a tumblr which I'm probably gonna create soon). Things like that, where they were implied or possible last year, but never mentioned.

The New Year so far as been awesome. Went to a wedding reception turned dance on New Year's Eve. It was fun because it felt like a private event and we were all wearing formal clothing, but at the same time, dancing very actively. haha. I didn't know anyone there except my friend who invited me. Towards the end, when there weren't that many people there we ended up dancing all over the place instead of just the space cleared as a dance floor. It was cool to just be able to let go with a bunch of strangers. Though I did meet this one girl from Luthebridge. She was pretty cool, and at the end of it all she wanted some of the flowers from the tables. I ended up asking the groom's father if I could have some of the roses and gave them to her. One of the least expected, yet satisfying things I've done in awhile. I'll never see this girl again, and I don't even know if she'd want flowers without a vase, but hey, it's the thought that counts right?

Today was a good sunday. Went up and bore my testimony. I think it's been months since I've done that. Kinda sad really. Then home taught my awesome home teachee. Then I went to the airport to pick up Miranda and hung out with her at her place until about 10:30. Her and her roommate are some of the coolest girls I know. haha. Miranda has the funniest comments at the most interesting times. I'll have to remember them sometime and quote them.

So so far, 2011 has been bomb.

Facebook and New YEars

2010-12-26T23:39:00.000-08:00

Ah, the wonders of facebook. A few weeks back I was at the Asian Ward Christmas party, the "razzle dazzle". I introduced myself to this guy by saying, "Hey, I'm steven", to which the guy replied, "yes, I know, I've stalked your facebook". To which I was like "0_0 ..... kewl...."

And that's not the first time it's happened. So to facebook, thank you. Thank you for allowing people to know me before they meet me. It allows everyone to become mini-celebrities. lol.

On obedience

- sometimes people ask me how i cope at byu with all the rules. sometimes, people ask me that in general with mormonism. They say we have too many rules. I just say "it's liberating. makes life more fun." they are usually perplexed by this to which I reply "have you ever played a basketball game without rules?" Usually, they get the point then. You get the most done, and you get the most fun when you're obedient as much as you can. It never crossed my mind that it holds true after the mission as well. So here's to some new New Years' resolutions.

What is Beautiful is Good

2010-12-22T23:19:00.000-08:00

There's this phenomenon in social psychology called something like "What is beautiful is good". Basically, humans have a tendency to believe that a beautiful person automatically equates to goodness, niceness, and sweetness without actually knowing the person. Something like "oh, she's not the kind of girl to do something like that!" when we don't even know the person that well.

I admit that I fall for that real easily. Add to that the fact that I'm naive when it comes to figuring out people's dispositions, the fact that I always see the good in people and give everyone the benefit of the doubt, and the fact that the gift of discernment has always been my weak point and you just get the worst sucker this side of the hemisphere.

However, from my own personal experience, it's ironic that often times the prettiest girls have also been the nicest to me, and the less attractive are actually the ones that are complete jerks and who act very rude. I don't know what it is. Maybe cause I try to date them? I don't know.

The Usual Suspects

2010-12-15T22:16:00.001-08:00

It's been a difficult semester. My social life has taken a hit due to my laziness and anti-social-ness. I haven't been on a date in over two months, but I just feel reluctant to get back in the groove. But in the end, the truth is that I really have no options right now and I haven't done anything to increase it. Before it just felt like these things came to me, but I have to work for them now and I got lazy. XD

The classes I thought were easy have suddenly piled on at the end and I've been studying nearly non stop for the last two days (not including today) and yet, I still feel vastly unprepared. Usually I don't doubt my own abilities especially when I've studied so hard, but I just don't feel it this time. Too much energy is just gone. It's been good that I've had some support over the last few days, Miranda and Jaymie (who are awesome) on Monday. I studied for about 8 hours total with them. Then yesterday Ha and Brian held me out. Ha was really helpful in teaching me stuff I needed for work, and Brian was awesome in just keeping me company. We even tried studying at Denny's. Aside from the loud teenage kids that happened to be there too (school night too, what were they doing there?), it was actually fun. Brian tried to pick up a girl at the library...whom we later saw at Denny's with a guy. AHA. awkward?

Then today, LightsArmy pulled through. They are all so supportive and nice, even as the drama unfolds somewhat over in Toronto. Most of them are going through finals too so they've been understanding....if not entirely distracting.

Then I got to thinking about next semester and how it will kill me. I'll be even busier than before and I don't know if I'll have the energy to pull through it. I will though that's for sure. It just feels like I'm climbing a cliff now (Finals) to face a bigger mountain soon (next semester). It feels almost insurmountable and overwhelming. I'm already making a mental checklist of things that I will have to do in order to make it. For example, I HAVE to make an effort to be more social. I think it has some sort of impact on my grades.

Even as I think about this, a familiar tune starts playing on my iTunes, almost like an old friend who has been there for me. "Drive my Soul". I guess that's another reason why I love LIGHTS so much. Her songs tell me things I need to hear without me having to explain myself to anyone or without me needing to ask.

Let's do it to it!

Cactus in the Valley

2010-12-12T09:34:00.000-08:00

Last night I went to the Asian Ward Christmas "Razzle Dazzle". And I went alone. It was the first time in a long time that I had gone alone to a social event. I only go alone to stuff when I know people at the social event haven't known each other yet. But I decided to go. And it was actually really fun. I met a missionary who served in Provo during my time whom I had never met yet. That brought back some mission memories. When I woke up this morning I had the strong yearning to want to serve another mission because of the inherent challenge. Serving another mission would be hard, but that was what made it so appealing. The challenge. The push, the progress to become better. I haven't felt a challenge like that in a long time. But I suppose there is a time and season for everything and right now my challenge, time, and season is post-mish life.

However, I do realize that next semester may be the most challenging in a long time. Not only will I have the heavy classes of C S 142 and chinese 201 (whose workload is twice as much as chinese 102) on top of senior level sociology classes, but I will be taking morning shifts at work. In addition I will most likely be job shadowing pharmacists. I also want an internship (though the likelihood of that winter semester is a lot less likely). This leaves my social life contained to home teaching and church. haha. But I'm actually kinda looking forward to it. :D

btw, the kitteh is random. LOL

People I Meet Randomly

2010-12-04T16:46:00.001-08:00

I have, I would say, a knack for meeting random people. For example, take Asia. How did I meet her? Randomly at the wilk terrace. She was reading a book when I first noticed her. I went to talk to some missionaries and when I came back she was talking to a friend of mine (who in turn I had just met a few days prior). I assume that he was trying to pick her up, but what happened instead was that Asia and I clicked, we ended up chatting, exchanged phone numbers, and the rest is history. Asia is also the person who single-handedly got me to get texting, then single handedly forced me to get unlimited texting. lol. The funny thing is, I never talked to that dude again, but Asia and I remain friends to this day. To that I say, thank you random breakdancing dude. (though no thanks when I was talking to Asia about books he said, "I bet a lot of guys try to pick you up by asking you what you're reading huh?").

Case Number 2. A friend and I went to a Japanese club thingy together. I met Addie on the way to the Japanese event. Somehow, one way or other, Addie and I became pretty good friends while the original friend I went with never really talk anymore. Go figure.

Now this leads me to what happened today. A while ago, a girl added me on facebook. I had no idea who she was. She had no pictures, but we had a lot of mutual friends. I couldn't recall who she was, and since we had a lot of mutual friends I thought I must have met her one way or other. We started chatting a lot on facebook, and just today, she asked me for a ride to wal-mart. So i was wondering if she knew who I was. Apparently, she knew that I didn't know who she was. Anyway, I finally met this girl today. Mystery lady solved.

Sad to say, I don't think we clicked....and I mean, given the circumstances in which we met its understandable.

I look forward to making random friends.

BTW, the picture doesn't have anything to do with anything. I just thought it was kewl. :D

social psych

2010-11-29T18:56:00.000-08:00

i'm thinking about starting a new blog on all the kewl, crazy, and fascinating things I learn in sociology, psychology, and social psychology. Why not do it here you ask? Cuz I'd want it away from my more private and personal thoughts. Something that I'm not afraid of or will regret posting the link to in other places.

of course, my worry is that eventually I'll lose interest and would have 2 blogs for no reason at all. ..

Its not you, its me. For realz.

2010-11-20T23:31:00.001-08:00

i went to the bookstore today. And unexpectedly, I saw a girl there that I took out on a date a year ago. She had dyed her hair and was wearing glasses. I looked at her for a moment to see if she recognized me. She didn't seem to, so I spent the next few minutes pretending to browse through books awkwardly while she put some books on the shelf. I went home and looked her up on facebook. Yep, we were still friends. I don't know why.

See. She was very interested. I wasn't. It wasn't anything that was wrong. The timing was just off. But I will always feel bad for the way I say "no". By just letting it fade away. I'm just that kind of person. Girls have done that to me, and I hate it, but I understand, because I do it all the time. "What happened to so and so?" "Oh. Well. I don't know...she just kinda....uh...we just stopped talking?"

and that's how it always happens. we just stop talking. And sometimes it ends badly or awkwardly. The pile continues to grow. Yeah sure a lot of my friends are girls, but at least all my enemies are too.

And now i'm starting to realize something. if it happens once, yeah, that stuff happens. twice, bad luck. three times, bad streak. four times or more? Its not them, its you buddy (same with the mission). in other words, its not any of the girls' faults. its mine. And i can't get over myself. ugh. I guess something's just holding me back from giving it my all. I don't know. Maybe I need to make it a goal. Those always help.

Charity Never Faileth

2010-11-09T14:48:00.000-08:00

A girl went onto the podium this past sunday during fast and testimony meeting and shared a heartfelt message about God understanding who you are and being there. She said over the last few months she began building an overwhelming sense of loneliness. She said to herself, "who am I kidding? I don't have a relationship with any of these people!" regarding her friends. She was crying the whole time, and it actually shocked me. She always came off as a popular, energetic, spiritual, and outgoing person. I could not have tell that she was dealing with this. It saddened me. I don't know her very well. I went on one date with her (the only girl I ever dated from Asian Ward besides another girl who seems to be considering moving into the ward) and I felt like we connected really well. We would always say "hi" to each other.

But then this semester she stopped saying hi. So I just assumed it was awkward or something. Truth be told, I thought she just didn't care to say hi anymore so I responded likewise. As she was bearing her testimony I felt so foolish to have judged her that way.

Do we ever assume that someone doesn't need our help? Do we assume someone is doing fine? I heard someone say that if we always assume someone needs healing we will be right 50% of the time. In getting caught up in my own self I forgot to look our for others. In judging others I didn't realize they were dealing with their own hurts.

"There is a serious need for the charity that gives attention to those who are unnoticed, hope to those who are discouraged, aid to those who are afflicted. True charity is love in action. The need for charity is everywhere." - President Monson, Charity Never Faileth

The Purging is Complete

2010-11-06T11:32:00.001-07:00

"If I have not talked to you for a few weeks or months, if I don't think either one of us will say hi to each other if we saw each other on the streets, if I added you first, and if you are not an Office character, I will be defriending you from facebook. I think that's reasonable." - facebook status

This is my second purging, but this one is significantly larger. The first time I did I only deleted 32 people. This time I intend to do a real purging. It took my 3 years to get to 1000 friends.

Several things came together to help me do this. A) i really didn't know that many people on facebook actually and the more I thought about it the more ridiculous it became. B) I'm a packrat. I keep so many things "just in case" or for memories. I was the same with people. I hate defriending people. even people I hadn't seen for years. I was scared of the possibility of running into them "just in case". C) I kept people mostly for networking purposes. I liked the fact that I had a network of people extending everywhere in most states and many countries. I always thought that at some future time I could call on them for help. But then I became aware that if I didn't have any relationship with these people the possibility of doing that was probably slim. D) More people stay updated on my facebook status than I thought, so everytime I thought about deleting someone I never knew if they were actually following me on facebook. E) Let's face it. Seeing 1227 people on your facebook friends gives you sense of pride, even if it doesn't mean anything (even right now I miss that feeling haha). But I realized that that number didn't have any bearing on who I felt I was. "Being popular is not cool" - Lights yesterday. So. BAM!

The way I determined to keep someone

1) Have I seen you recently? No? Out, unless

2) if we saw each other would we say hi?

3) Do we have history together? I did not delete any people from R3, nor older friends from longer ago. Mission was also something else.

4) Were you married? If you were, you were harder hit.

5) Did I add you first? If I did I had no qualms about defriending you. But if you added me, for some reason, I feel obligated to keep you.

6) Were you a girl I used to crush on? BAM. You're gone. Held on to you too long.

As I started defriending people I actually started becoming obsessed with deleting as many people as I could. I started defriending at a faster and more ferocious pace and soon, even if we hadn't talked for just a short while, I was defriending you.

Still I feel I was a little too lenient on some people. I might go back for a second round sweep. What surprised was how easy it was once I started (though again. looking at my somewhat decimated friends' list dismayed me a bit I will admit). There was one girl who I looked at our mutual contacts and just completely obliterated that link. I deleted her and EVERY mutual friend. I was also surprised by people I could not recall AT ALL where I had met them or even recognize their faces. WEird. Those went fast. But at least no more "i know that person from somewhere....facebook..."

What surprised me even more though was how many people I could actually say I know, and are friends with. I went in hoping to reduce my friends' list to around 300, but it wasn't like that at all.

Done with the first round. Took me over an hour. Sheesh. But in total, 249 are gone with more to come.

Update

2010-11-03T12:52:00.001-07:00

I decided that I'd do a regular blog this time instead of thoughts and ponderings. Ya know, just a sorta update on what's going on. So...several things.

I'm still addicted to zombies. I found that out when I watched "The Walking Dead" on AMC. really good series. At least really good first episode. I like zombies. Reminds me...I should update my Zombie Evacuation Plan.

My sister's birthday is coming up. I got her the pocket watch she wanted. I got her the last one. Booyah. check it Yep. last one. none left? That's right. :) Cost a pretty penny that's for sure. Speaking of zombies, and amazon, and expensive, Lights current obsession is Yetis. In fact, the name of her current tour is the "Are we There Yeti?" tour. Weird. And she bought these. Dork.

on the sporting front, the Lakers are pretty much owning the season. Granted, we are four games in. Today we play the Kings. That's Mike's team. And when this happens, a lot of trash talking goes on. Examine the following:

Mike: I just hope you blow them out. Then you'll come into sactown relaxed

Me: Haha. Don't you want us to play hard and be exhausted?

Mike: That doesn't happen to nba players this early in the season. I want you lazy. and I want to beat you at full strength.

Me: Yeah. You've made a classic laker opponent mistkae. That is. Thinking you cannbeat us at full strength. :)

Mike: ' [Your] arrogance is an offense to people who think.' - Bill Walton

Me: The truth will set you free. - Jesus. :)

Me: I guess you got your wish. We were leading 73 to 46 at the half...

Mike: Then prepare to be defeated in shocking fashion by the upstart kings. It will be a sign of things to come in april...

Me: Haha. Ok. I'm excited for our fifth win tonight

Mike: I'm excited to see your face after tyreke's game winner. :)

Me: Just to let you know, we've won the last two games by 21.5 points. :)

Mike: Just to let you know, we've won our last two games. I don't know when the last time i could say that was :)

Also. Mike's name in my phone is Tyreke Evans, the best player on the Kings. Doubly offensive to me. I'm just saying, his players better get ankle insurance.

And the last thing. I was in the library from 4 pm to 11:30 pm ...reading 30 pages of stupid textbook stuff. Why? Because my friends kept distracting me. Its all good. It was fun. It was the most entertaining 7 1/2 hours of studying in the library I've ever had. reminded me of freshman year. ... haha

Superficial

2010-10-29T15:45:00.000-07:00

This has been something on my mind for awhile. If someone becomes famous, and they meet someone who likes them initially only for their popularity, but later actually falls in love with them, is it so wrong then that that person only liked the famous person for their fame initially? I mean, if that famous wasn't famous in the first place they might not have fallen in love at all.

And if is wrong, then is it wrong to like someone for their looks initially, and then later actually falling in love with them? If that person wasn't so beautiful in the first place, then they might have not gotten to know how beautiful each other was on the inside.

And maybe some famous people are only stuck up because they're sick of all the people who just want to be friends with them because they're famous, who are the same people who wouldn't have given them the time of day back in high school or college. Have we ever thought of that?

New Best Week Ever??

2010-10-23T16:00:00.000-07:00

Well, it could have been. Next week I mean. Janine's Birthday party (that will be interesting in the least haha). Halloween and what could potentially go down that weekend. As of right now I'm not planning on doing anything. Its hard for me to find the motivation to be social these days. Aside from hanging out with friends an sporadic dates its hard to find people who have the same interests as me these days without looking at freshman and let me tell you, the freshman world is a different place my friend.

Then there's the start of the NBA Season. An occasion that I think should be celebrated as a holiday with us having no school. Yeah? Well. I only have one class that day so its basically like I have a day off (though I could skip class and it could really be a day off. :D ). But I am very excited. Too bad Euseung's gonna be in Korea so we can't have an opening day celebration. darn it.

And then there's.... Lights. The L.A. El Rey show is next Tuesday. Unfortunately, running down there for a concert and coming back up makes no sense logically, academically, economically, financially, and so on and so on. The only way it makes sense is fantastically. Yeah, it would be super awesomnically. I actually considered going down and running back up. Its so VERY tempting when you don't have a social life and all you have is basically... school. It would be a crazy adventure.

After talking with other LightsArmy kids and trying to organize somewhat of an L.A. meet up its been so kewl to talk to people and connect with them. They are such awesome people. The L.A. LightsArmy is now 23+ strong and still growing and it honestly kills that I won't be able to meet these people that I've befriended. Its really a neat experience to try and organize a group of random strangers together to meet, plan, and attend something together.

It was even fun to talk to Lights' sister on chat. She is SO COOL. Not to mention, the possible opportunity to hang out with Lights after the show is like seeing a good friend you had not seen in years (but multiplied by 23 because of the other 23 kids there).

Sometimes, my patience is near breaking point and I always wonder when it will break. Hopefully life gets better. Hopefully next week is great.

WALLPAPER MANIA! PART DEUCE!

2010-10-18T17:48:00.001-07:00

WALLPAPER MANIA!

2010-10-16T08:05:00.000-07:00

Some of my favorite wallpapers. I will post more later.

W.I.H.L.O.D.

2010-10-15T09:36:00.000-07:00

What I have Learned on Dates

I don't know if I've mentioned this before or not, but I was talking with a friend about dating and stuff. She said she has never been on a date before (even though she had a boyfriend) and doesn't seem to make a big deal out of it. I don't think it has to be a big deal, but I told her that one of the biggest things I get out of a date is what I learn from the other person. I usually don't ask out a person on a date unless I realize there's something else there besides physical attraction or if there's something I can learn from the other person.

That's right, I'm a leech. I suck the good out of people, apply it to myself, and then toss the carcass away. OK, that's not really a leech...more like some weird monster from a movie. And yeah, that sounds weird. But really, I look for the good each person can bring that I may not have and try to learn new things because everyone is from different places. i believe everyone has some good quality to bring to the table. I then capitalize on the good and try to make it a part of me. I guess in a way it does sound selfish, haha. But this may be reason why I have a feminine side to me.

For example, I am not much of a family person I admit. I LOVE my family. I am VERY grateful and thankful for them. Without them I would not be here. However, I don't get homesick. I don't feel the need to be in weekly contact with them (though if I feel prompted to I will always try and be in touch). I'm not a touchy person. Until recently, "I love you" was simply not in my diction. However, I was hanging out with someone once (I don't know if it could be counted as a date), and we were discussing our greatest fears. I said mine was h

eights, getting jumped, getting attacked, getting beat up, being outnumbered in a fight, and stuff like that. Her first one was spiders, but then she said something that impacted me. She said she was most afraid of being away from her family in a catastrophe. You know something is important to someone when they mention it in casual conversation like that. It was just something that never crossed my mind. It really has changed the way I interact and feel about my family and even my future family.

I've learned how to ask questions, how to interact and be genuinely interested in people, how to put more effort into school work, how to be more organized (I started using a planner more frequently after seeing her organization), how to be relaxed.

I've also learned where my actual interests lay, to be a stronger person in integrity and living example of Christ, how to say "no" (haha), how to be a better listener, to be positive and proactive, how to be more sensitive, to appreciate classical music, and etc.

All dates are not equal, but all daters have stuff to learn from and appreciate. How else will I learn about Conneticut or Massachusetts without going there?? Yes, books. That's the answer, but you know what I mean.

So yes, dating is fun. Its the opportunity to learn, to understand someone else, and, for me, to develop.

Rehash, Best of

2010-10-10T15:00:00.000-07:00

Continuing with rehashing some old posts because I don't have much to write about...

Best Photos 2009-2010! yay.

Run and tell that homeboy.

2010-10-02T16:26:00.000-07:00

And we are back with another edition of "T.I.R.L.", texts I really like. :)

Anthony Sto

- no prob man we'll def hang again another lights show lol

LightsArmy ftw.

Asia Smith

- Yay! We kick butt :)

- :) you are awesome.

(after joking about getting swine flu)

- Ha ha you wouldn't hang out with me if I did? Come on! Lol jk. Yes we will hang for sure.

- :( you cant miss class for ten mins? Lol

- You should :) and then we can do something crazy cool together for it.

ah friends. what are they good for if not to tell you to miss class? haha.

Brittany

- A little bit out of options. There's always the screw college option.

-Its true. Whats an apartment without an asian wall.

- Its like the great wall of china.

- It really is my mormon crack

- You should try it. It would make days like today worth living.

And those are my friends. haha.

David Stern (Luke)

- I love you. :)

Yes...this is a different text than the last one I put last time. There's a lot of love goin around.

James

- Brittney is very upset that you didn't play Colors of the Wind for her before you left.

- Well I prefer single girls who aren't psychotic. Otherwise not really.

Kelsi

- Story: one day a girl was walking to campus to attend her chinese class when suddenly the bottom of her shoe fell off and she had to return home to fix it...She never made it to chinese that day.. The end.

When your friend is willing to entertain you with a story in order to tell in an indirect way that she won't be in class that day, that's when you know they are awesome. haha

Kirsi

- O xie xie! Wo men xi huan qu....when are you going?

Oh yeah, starting to text in chinese. haha.

Miranda

- Come hang out with me! I'm a loner

- My table is getting bombarded by strangers! T.T

Mom

- U r funny! Did you date this week?

Yep. What are moms for?

- >:( That is what u got in the temple?

My mom's response after I told her I got revelation in the temple that I need to go to a Lights concert. LOL

Rachel

- maybe? can you tell me who you are first?

after I asked her to go to the canon center with me

- Im not sure I ever had your number...um, sure, now I know you're not a kidnapper

Shalise

- Wahoo! Sometimes I just love chinese! :)

"Wahoo". Clearly the sound you make when you sometimes love chinese.

Tyreke Evans (mike)

on spying a guy in class

- LOL, i think I would too, but I guess he is just a weird guy...though our continual spying and analysis of him makes us kinda weird too

Unknown number that I'm still trying to figure out

- Where are you?

- OK I'll be there in a minute

- I'm here.

-Across from Sugar and Spice

WHO ARE YOU?? I'm kinda embarrassed that I didn't save the number and I have no idea who it is...

Destiny

2010-09-27T22:31:00.000-07:00

Do you believe in fate or destiny? I don't. Not really. But I do believe that there is some sort of vague plan that gives us a mission in life. I don't share that part of my thoughts very often.

There is a pattern that's been appearing lately in my life. Specifically, it appears in blessings and setting aparts.

My patriarchal blessing, like many other patriarchal blessing, talks specifically about some of my future plans. When I received it and heard it my initial thought was, "awesome. that would be cool to do one day". I didn't think much of it.

However, in the two years since I've been home from my mission I've become increasingly aware of it. That is, increasingly aware that somehow, in some way, the events in my life now are preparing me for what is going to happen decades down the road.

When I was set apart for a calling this past spring, the stake president uttered some interesting things. For example, one of the things he mentioned was to build friendships in the ward with the young women specifically. I thought that was rather odd that it was repeated with an emphasis on the young women in the ward. That part played itself out and I see the reasoning behind it now. However, the one thing that really caught me off guard was that he began mentioning things about my future. And it was just weird to hear him mentioning things that sounded like it had nothing really to do with my calling at the moment. And he started mentioning things that fit perfectly with what my patriarchal blessing had talked about. Freaky in a way if you didn't realize what was going on, and trust me, there was no way this guy who I had never met could have known what my patriarchal blessing entailed.

As such, I've started shaping my future to fit into what I think is God's plan for me. It's interesting in a weird way, watching events unfold in the world or things in your life working it's magic that have an impact on you because you know that if you're worthy and just do your best, eventually you will end up at a specific event or time or place mentioned in some words someone spoke to you when you were 19.

Yeah. Destiny. Or rather...preordination I guess.

Fast Food and Job Interviews

2010-09-23T20:52:00.001-07:00

Ah. What a crazy week it's been.

And can I say, girls are too nice? What do I mean? I mean how they are too nice to say no...so they end up cancelling stuff after you've made plans. I don't know why they do it. In an effort to not hurt anyone's feelings they make it worst. I know. This is the second time it's happened, which, considering everything, isn't bad at all. But it's annoying, and it still hurts. Not fun. I mean, why can't they just say "no"?

When a guy is looking for a girl, it's kinda like going to a fast food restaurant. We look at our choices, and we decide. If we had an experience we liked before, we usually don't vary much and order the same thing. We're visual too so the menu helps. Even the simplest menu items can hook us for years, but if we're not sold on a particular item we will probably not ever touch it unless there is nothing else to eat. Or we had a bad experience that leads Usher to sing this. It's hard to get us hooked, but once we're hooked we're hooked.

Girls are more selective. Nature intends them to be that way. With a girl, it's like a job interview. Most of the times, the guys come to them looking for a "job" unless there's a candidate out there with such outstanding credentials that they have to make the first move. The good thing about the interview is that it looks at a person for their overall strength and not just on one characteristic alone, say, good looks. So a guy who may not be all that in the looks department has a chance if his humor, hygiene, personality, ambition, and other things are pretty good. The downside is... it makes it that much more harder to pass the initial interview when the selection process is much more complicated than choosing a big Mac. You got to have the grades, the test scores, the athletics, the extracurricular activities, the service, the experience, and so on. And that's just the initial interview to get to the next round! Only when the girl is sure that you're the most qualified person for the job do you get through. And the process can take awhile.

I also realized why some of my friendships with girls fade so fast (especially when they get a boyfriend). With many of my female friends we talk a lot about the opposite gender, gossip, and things like that. Girl talk actually. So when they get a boyfriend, all of a sudden it's like that person disappears off the planet. I can probably predict who will be like that when it happens to her.

On the other hand, there are some people that I will protect fiercely if it ever came down to it. People like my family, and close friends. But also friends like Asia. We really don't have that much in common besides a mutual interest in books, theater, and some bands. But that's about it. But she's such a genuine, awesome person that I just want to see them succeed and be happy. Another person who fell into that category recently is Shalise and her brother. They are awesome awesome people.

Anyway. Like I said, it's been a crazy and rather depressing week, but hey, things will be all right. Always.

Up, Up, and Away

2010-09-19T21:08:00.000-07:00

I'm starting to discover how friendships and the lifetime of a friendship is circular. They come and they go. Some stay longer than others, some are just a quick blip, a fun filled, pleasure-packed moment of greatness. Like chocolate really. Good for a few moments, but not filling. And no matter how hard I try sometimes it's inevitable. Maybe it's because I've moved around quite a bit in my life that instability is something I'm used to. Maybe that's why I have some commitment issues.

Maybe that's why the Gospel is something I and many others cherish. It's something that doesn't change. Maybe that's why the prospect of eternity is both appealing and appalling to me.

Maybe this is why people like celebrities and why I admire her. Because we can imagine them being our friends and never leaving us. And if they do, or if we do, there's really nothing big in detaching from them because there was no real substance in the first place.

Except for Asia and Ashleigh (and Mike and Luke, but I never count them because I just assume they'll be there, haha), I don't talk to any of my close friends from two years ago. Breanne and Katie are married, Lauren's graduated, Liz is on her mission.

And the pattern is repeating for this year. Friendships from last year (especially Chinese 101) are slowly fading into the background, repeating a familiar pattern, being replaced by new faces. I expect the trend to continue not because I want it to, but because it happens. And it's odd because you've shared so many memories together. Sometimes even deep memories.

Sometimes it's just because life happens. Things happen. Missions happen. And sometimes you just stop getting along.

I think she said it best.

We are rockets in the sky. We are planets passing by.

pretty much awesome

2010-09-12T14:57:00.000-07:00

Boy. I completely forgot about my New Year's Resolution. I mean, the spiritual stuff is all right, but it could be better. I really need to stop eating so much. I don't know what it is, but lately, I've been eating a TON. Dating is still pretty much awesome. I need to get back on track to being more organized most def.

I also want to add a new goal. i need to smile more specifically at strangers. I have this habit of staring at people when they look at me or when I'm just walking around in general. The problem with that is when I don't express emotion people think I'm mad or sad or angry. People have actually come up to me to say that I look scary. One of my friends' dad said he thought I was a gangsta once when I went to pick her up. So yeah, I pretty much look like this. without the haircut.

I have a hard time smiling at strangers because I feel like I look like an idiot. I don't want to come off looking too happy, but I don't want to come across as disinterested as some people's smiles can be. Ya know, the half-way smile where you don't show any teeth and you smile. You think you're smiling but all you're doing is this . Smiling without the eyes. And it looks weird. Some people can pull it off. but not me. I don't think I can.

That's what I want to work on. That and actually maintaining eye contact. Some days I'm all right with it. Some days I hate it. And saying "hi". With guys, I just give the nod. But with girls, sometimes I give an awkward half-wave (i couldn't find a picture of it, but I did find this which is close) and I want to say hi, but my "hi's" always come out so girly. I was actually proud of myself the other when this girl walked by and said, "hi" and I managed a very manly "hey". Or last night when this girl walked by where I was sitting and smiled and I managed a pretty decent flash back. Uusually, I'm too shy to even maintain eye contact long enough to fire one off, but I'm getting better.

One day, I may finally be as good as this guy, but for now I'm going to make it a goal.

Typing "oodles"

2010-09-09T21:07:00.000-07:00

So I had a few thoughts to write about today (including following up on that idea of how capitalism, workplace alienation, and World of Warcraft are interrelated back on June 4th, 2010) including an analogy that points out the difference between men and women in looking for someone they like.

However, since I haven't made a spiritual post in quite some time now (not that anyone's been checking. except...maybe the angels), I thought I'd share a little something something.

A friend made a point in testimony meeting a few weeks ago that I only just discovered for myself.

Most of us know that Corianton, Alma's son, is mostly known as the guy who messed up bad, and who has a chapter in the Book of Mormon detailing his...uh, sexual exploits. And why its wrong of course. And talks about how he basically SANK his mission single-handedly because of his mistakes. Can you imagine if that happened to you? It'd be in the Deseret News. "Missionary Single-Handedly Self-Destructs Mission".

However, it seems that Corianton redeems himself later on. But to what extent?

We know that he is called to return to missionary service (Alma 42:31). And then in Alma 43 he actually goes back out shortly after.

Alma 62: 45 shows that Helaman and his brethren (which includes Corianton if its talking about Helaman's brothers literally) were teaching powerfully even that many did repent and become baptized.

It is in chapter 63 that we see the full extent of Corianton's redemption. Shiblon, one of Corianton's brothers, is the keeper of the plates at this time. Well, he dies. But guess who's next in line to keep the plates? Dun-dun-dun! Corianton! So it seems that Corianton has come full circle and is worthy enough to hold and keep the record of the plates (and seeing the history of who kept the plates before, I can say that it was not a light duty to be the keeper of the plates).

Isn't that cool? And it would be cool if Corianton actually got to keep the plates. But he didn't...because he sails north, disappears, and becomes the Lich King. Just kidding. About that last part.

I think this says oodles about God's mercy, the ability for man to change, and the power of the Atonement. Corianton was guilty of heavy sin, but was able to jump back from that. In that aspect, I could say he was very much like his father.

And that's my thought for today. :)

A New Plan

2010-09-04T23:29:00.000-07:00

So I have a plan. And its going to be interesting. But I'm excited for it. Here goes.

I will graduate between 1 1/2 and two years from now. Most likely Winter semester 2012. I will then go and work for my father's friend over in Taiwan and helping him with his restaurant. I'm hoping to just learn the ropes and perfect my Chinese skills. All I want while I'm there is to learn and a place to live. That's it. It will be a challenge, but I'm willing to do it for a year or two.

Then I will return to the U.S. and evaluate my options. I will see if I still want to go into Pharmacy for graduate school (which is my plan right now). Or I can see if I can get an MBA. Or I can go ahead and work for a business working in China. Seeing as how I know some people who can use my skills (and experience by that time), and because I served for them as a missionary (lol) I think I can find some relationship that is useful.

The only thing I can't figure is where marriage would fit into my plans because it would be too inconvenient. :/ My wife would have to live in a foreign place (if she's not from Taiwan), and be dragged through my time in earning experience with Chinese and business. Then I would move back and either be wherever pharmacy wants me, or wherever business would let me. If I married someone from Taiwan, then they'd have to be willing to move to America or wherever I can go. .... Inconvenient all around. I suppose I could get married around 28 (which is when I plan to be more settled and be back in the U.S.) or later when I'm more settled into a career.

Anyway. I guess we'll just see.

See you at the Qualifying Rounds Freshman.

2010-08-30T07:52:00.000-07:00

I would now like to write a little bit about what I think of the places I've lived in since attending BYU. Since I've lived in several places and been in more apartments in Provo than some people have been in their entire lives I feel like I am able to say something credible. At least I feel that way.

scales are from 1-10, 10 being the best.

Here are my categories

Quality: the quality of the apartment including spacing, design, cleanliness,

Social Atmosphere (S.At): if the people were friendly and amount of opportunities to meet people (I believe that building and complex design has some direct correlation to the people who live there)

Amenities: internet connection, washer and dryer, pool, parking, other stuff

Access to Campus: How close was it to campus? To other buildings like the Marriot Center, etc.

Overall: self-explanatory (not an average. why? Because I'm writing this dang it!)

Deseret Towers

- Its a crappy place. Ghetto. Deseret Towers took pride in the fact that it dominated the Provo skyline and looked down on everybody (and that's why they had to tear it down). I think that was the best thing going for it. But it was very social due to the fact that your room was so small that if you stayed there any prolonged period of time you might develop muscle degeneration. Also...there was no kitchen, so you HAD to leave at some point unless your goal was to die in a dorm room. Add in the fact that millions of kids lived in the smallest space possible and you were bound to make friends, meet people, and play Starcraft (not necessarily in that order).

Quality: 5 (oh yeah, did I mention, they weren't earthquake proof!)

Social Atmosphere: 9

Amenities: 9 (pool, basketball courts, foosball tables, good parking, and a lot of other stuff)

Access to Campus: 8

Overall: 8 (this high only because I like the s.at)

Reynolds

- It was very nice. What else can I say? It was also cool being able to live right next door to girls. hahahaha.

Quality: 9

S.At: 8

Amenities: 5 (though having a washer and dryer IN your apartment was amazing, parking wasn't bad either)

Access to Campus: 6

Overall: 7

Apollo

- Well... let me say...its a nice place to live in when you're married. When you're living with your sister? You just feel really odd. I mean...its not like I could pop over next door and hang out with my neighbor's wife whenever I wanted. If I have to explain why that is awkward, then I hope I don't know you in real life. Other than that, it wasn't too bad.

Quality: 6

S.At: 1 (because all the married people hung out with each other, and I'm hesitating on even putting a 1)

Amenities: 4 (parking was always good, and washing and laundry were in the same complex)

Access to Campus: 5

Overall: 5

Wyview

- I LOVED Wyview. It was the perfect blend of quality and social atmosphere. It helped though that I had awesome roommates..... i suppose if you had bad roommates it would be more like a dungeon. A clean, nicely designed dungeon. But a dungeon. It also helped that I was there in spring, helping the ward bonding because there weren't as many people, and sparing me of the vicious, flesh-eating, all consuming, wait. I was thinking of zombies, not freshman. But sparing me of hordes of freshman.

Quality: 9

S.At: 8

Amenities: 9

Access to Campus: 7 (the football stadium is dang close!!)

Overall: 8

Riverside Condiminiums

- Well. Here I am. And I can't say much yet, so these are first impressions. I really love the apartment. There are no downsides in terms of quality (except for the fact that the walls are so thin and that its not as new as some other places). Its nice, peaceful, and well-kept. There doesn't seem to be much going on though in terms of socialness. but I do like it.

Quality: 9

S.At: 2 (I only put a two here instead of a one because these two kids talked to me. Oh, and this hispanic lady said hello. You know there is something seriously lacking in this department when the fact that people even acknowledge you bumps it up one point).

Amenities: 7 (no pool, no courts, but washer and dryer, two of your own parking spaces, a storage unit, furnished apartment which is nice for a place like this)

Acess to Campus: 3 (considering that if I lived any further I might as well commute from L.A. and back. just kidding, its not that bad).

Overall: 7 (the exact opposite of DT where the quality was poor but the S.At was high)

There you have it. Or..I guess that was more for me.

Oh yeah, the title of this post is a random quote from a movie. LOL

Goodbye

2010-08-24T20:31:00.001-07:00

So. Parents told me we're leaving Wednesday afternoon instead of Thursday evening. I am a bit upset seeing as how I was planning to say goodbye to my friends Wednesday night. And now its over.

Good bye California, good-bye L.A., good-bye Beverly Hills, Hollywood, Good-bye Lights concert on the 28th, good-bye good home cookin, Good-bye LightsArmy West...who I should tell that I'm leaving since they still think I'm going to the concert in october and thinking I'm orchestrating the meet up. XD

So long to awesome friends who, through thick and thin, up and down, and lots of drama, through girl trouble and guy stuff, and the fact that I'm always the one leaving them, have always been there for me.

Sayonora to the fun beach, the amusement parks, California Gurls, nice weather, the hip and happening and events every night.

And another year away from family.

And good-bye to Karen.

Its been great.

Good for now

2010-08-23T10:00:00.000-07:00

Its interesting whenever someone says I'm a nice guy. Almost like its a bad thing. Or..."you're too nice". The thing is, I'm not being nice because I want something in return. Its just because that's the way I am. Going against that would feel hypocritical to me. Of course, people have warned me to be careful because people will take advantage of that. And I understand that. I'm pretty naive, but so far I've done all right. And its not like being nice is a sin. I guess I could try being a jerk. haha.

But its good to know that I'm doing all right every once in a while. For the past month and a half two of my mom's friend's daughters have been living in the U.S. (they're from Taiwan). And yesterday they returned home, but before they did they gave us all gifts and a few parting words. One of the girls wrote that, again, I was too nice and to watch myself. I thought "great, yeah, its not like I don't know how to take care of myself. Do I?" haha. but then she continued and explained that she recently had a falling out with her boyfriend back in Taiwan and that I had helped her through this trial because even though I hadn't known about what was happening, I gave her hope that there were still nice guys left in the world. And also that if she ever found a guy like me in Taiwan she would marry him.

And its interesting that in saying that she helped me. Every once in awhile I wonder if people actually want me to be less nice. Like maybe it is a bad thing. But its good to know its still all right. And who knows. Maybe I will evolve into a jerk later on in life and everyone will regret it. haha. But I think I'm good for now.

A New Season

2010-08-19T18:12:00.000-07:00

So, following last year's Friends intro, here's the one for this past school year. Still tweaking it a bit. Didn't have video footage of everyone. And couldn't fit in everyone.

2010-08-13T23:35:00.000-07:00

Another chapter is about to close. Its been two years since the mish and you can't help but feel that this huge door your life is swinging with is about close, swinging on just the tiniest of hinges. Its the winds of change my friend, and I don't even really know what that means. All I know is that is a self-awareness that things are once again changing.

It doesn't help that things are different. Old friends gone, or relationships changed. new strangers, past things dug up. for example, my high school freshman year crush has reappeared on facebook out of nowhere.

Its the realization that where you're at, you're yesterday's news, that a new generation is now capable of replacing you and you're on the way out. When you want the change that is already around you. for example, my single's ward. everyone's married, gone, or moved. All the new faces are much younger and I feel suddenly out of place.

As for BYU, a fresh set of friends are on the chopping block and already on the way out. Have you been counting how many times I've used the word "already" already? The rotation continues. Last year's cast is going to be joined by a new supporting cast for a new season. I can already (there it is again) see the friendships that are fading. Of course, there will be the regulars. It really is like a tv show where everyone is guest starring in everyone else's show.

Naturally, I need to compare this to a tv show then. Mike and I both got into the Office at the same time and we've talked about who would play who (or least who has traces of which character. For example, Katherine is definitely Kelly Kapoor) in our own "Office", which is funny because this is probably the third tv show we've talked about that relates to our lives. We change every season.

But yeah. Here's looking forward to the next year and the surprises that await us. The good thing about this is that our seasons aren't usually ever cut short.

end

2010-08-10T23:41:00.000-07:00

so i met this girl. she's pretty awesome.

LightsArmy

2010-08-08T17:35:00.000-07:00

My inactivity at RAF has been replaced by increased activity on the Lights forums where we've become LightsArmy (a name lights gave to us). Two nights ago my brother and I were able to meet up with ten other LightsArmy kids, hang out, go to a Lights acoustic concert (which was very intimate since it was not a big venue, it only had less than 10 seats!), hang out some more, chat, and go to dinner afterwards. It was a really fun time and the first time in awhile I hung out exclusively with non-LDS people. Other than the drinking and the bar it felt pretty normal.

The awesome part of being part of LightsArmy is that we are in with Lights and her people. She knows who we are and we are given special audiences after her shows where she hangs out with us. Just like a small group of friends hanging with Lights (usually no more than 10 people). She had to leave early last friday night to hang out with her dad (her parents were in town) so we weren't able to hang with her, but it was still fun to hang out with each other.

Comprehensive Retrospective

2010-08-01T23:02:00.001-07:00

So. in a few days, I will have been home from my mission for two years. Wow. Its crazy. Its actually felt longer than that, which can be a good thing or a bad thing depending on how I look at it. Looking back, I can honestly say that I had no idea this would be how the first two years after my mission would be like. And its been hard I gotta say. But I've learned a lot of lessons. While I haven't had as many spiritual experiences since my mission I can say I've learned almost as much as I did on my mission. I've built on the foundation that my mission has provided me. Its amazing how much can change in two years. i.e.

- 4 of the top 10 most played songs on my iTunes is now a Lights song. I now listen to her way more than I do BoA and that's crazy in itself. the biggest discovery music-wise post-mish.

- the amount of new friends that I've made both current and already pass (outside of Mike and Luke who I now consider staples to all of my relationships, lol). Dezzy, Becki, Torrey, David Watts, Mark, #202 (haha, Lauren, Ash, Liz, Bre who can forget them?!), Asia (who I met in the terrace of the wilk, weird), Addie (whom I met going to Japanese club), Kazue (who I took to Japanese club), Chinese class (too many to list), Kelsey, Wesley, Hyung, Larissa, Rommel, Tiffany, Katherine, Alex, James, Brittany, Austin, Chase, Lucia, Alejandra, as well as a host of friends on-line at RAF, and LightsArmy.

I've had so many good experiences from going to Taiwan, Arizona, Nauvoo, Rexburg, and DisneyWorld. From getting to meet Lights, to the NBA games, to performing at volleyball games for Club Style. From the classroom and awesome teachers to the rooms of the temples. From volunteering at the food bank to working at the cougareat. From Reynolds to Apollo, to Wyview. From LANning it up on Starcraft to intramural basketball games. From going on dates to see the orchestra in Salt Lake City, to picnics in the canyon, to bowling, to Humor-U, to Owl City. Memories at the Canon Center, at the library, at the Wilk, at the JSFB. Memories of statistic class and of making up names for songs in sociology. i think this list is starting to get comprehensive so...

- flash mob on campus with Asia, and her introducing me to Owl City and specifically, fireflies.

- monkeys, waffle fail, i love you, spatula, bears will hibernate in your symbols of affection, steve is 0ff-line, columbus marco polo and cortez (along with every crazy analogy we've had).

- finding and going to Fort B.A.L.L., "This is my Idea of Fun", singing in the car to Disney songs, all the canon center meals

- Every day in chinese class, "she swam fast and good", You Peng, beer, all the girlfriend stuff, trying to pull pranks on Shalise and failing, singing fireflies on the way back from the Owl City concert .

- Austin and James continually getting mad at each other, Austin being a secret superhero, James trying to teach us a lesson on faith, STARCRAFT LAN and SUPER SMASH BROTHER BRAWL BATTLES!

- all my professors and TA's, honestly, they are so good from Bro Brau who is a pretty spiritual guy, to Ben Gibbs who is such a hilarious person. Even my pretty boring Business 320 teacher. I love them all. I wish i got to know them better. hope it was mutual.

Anyway...too much to list here. I'll probably end up adding to it over time. :)

2010-07-29T14:39:00.000-07:00

I saw Inception today. Then I talked to Mike about it, because he (along with many others) loved it, and said it already made his top 5. He asked me to rate it 1 to 10. As I did this and was pondering my scale and comparing it to other movies that I loved I realized something. Emotional movies really get me. Those are the one that have a lasting impact on me.

Here some of the movies in my top 10.

#1 (currently)

12 Angry Men (1957) - starred Henry Fonda and Lee J. Cobb. I had no idea what to expect going in. And isn't that always the best way to go in sometimes (that was how I went into Huckleberry Finn, 1984, and Predators)? The movie cover looked boring in my opinion. However, I was very pleasantly surprised at how well the movie paced itself, keeping the drama tense, intriguing, and best of all, personal. The story is about 12 jurors who must decide if a young man is innocent of the murder of his father. The interesting part is that you don't get to hear the trial: the movie starts as the jurors are deciding. All except one vote the young man guilty.

Execution wise it was excellent. The majority of the movie (probably 85%) of it was done in one single room. Now that tells you something of about how well the movie is done to keep your attention.

Most of all I love how intensely human the movie is. It has layers. Its deep. Its philosophical, psychological, and human management behavior 320. The movie climaxes surprisingly well.

#2 (and number one chic flic in my opinion)

It Happened One Night (1934) - Not a typical chic flic in my mind. For one, I don't find the female lead to be all that attractive. Its also very old. But I guess that doesn't have anything to do with anything. So how did I end up watching a chic flic? It was a class assignment. That's how. But I'm glad I did that assignment.

The story is kinda typical. Rotten daughter of a rich man runs away from home because she dislikes her marriage. She runs into a man who finds out who she is and wants to help her get home. Turns out the man is actually a reporter and threatens to return her to her father unless he gets the rights to her story. Anyway, this is a chic flic so you can guess what happens next.

Its not so much the plot that I liked, but what happens in between. Note. I gotta watch this one again. One of the reasons I liked it so much is because it was a chic flic that I actually enjoyed. And that's gotta be worth something. Something like #2 on my list.

Those two movies are, from what I can think of off the top of my head, sit atop my list of favorites. I would rank these 9+ out of 10 in my mind (and yeah, my scaling is skewed). After these two there is a sharp drop off as my next favorite movies are

Cloverfield, War of the Worlds, Transformers, and Cars.

So what to I think of Inception?

It was the best thing I've seen in a long time. I'm always up for sci-fi (as you can tell by above list). The execution was amazing, the dream idea is crazy, and I'm floored at what it was able to do with that concept (all the action scenes were made just that much more intense). The characters were believable, and most surprising of all, it was personally touching in several scenes. There were multiple layers to the movie in plot (and several in idea, but not as deep as Munich ). I liked it a lot. But I can't say that I love it yet. It didn't blow me away the way it did for Mike. i left the movie as excited about it as I was about Predators. It didn't leave a deep impact. Maybe it was because I couldn't understand what they were saying half the time. I do need to watch it again because some areas were deep thinkers.

Again, creatively, it blew away EVERYTHING else. It smashes Dark Knight to pieces. But interestingly enough, the Dark Knight made me think a lot more than Inception did.

8 out of 10 for now.

There are movies that make me depressed for days (King Kong, Star Wars Episode III) because of its tone and gravity and its parallels to real life. There are movies that leave me thinking (Dark Knight, Star Trek) either because of its great story or because of how it impacts real life. And then there are movies that make me want to tell everyone to go see it and it stays on my mind or even effects my reality. Or at least recommend it to them when they ask. Inception is definitely in the second category. I'll have to see it again before I can say it goes in the third.

2010-07-23T23:39:00.000-07:00

Disney World was awesome. Loved it. It was crazy, hot, high-powered, intense, humid, crowded, but fun. I don't know how to describe it. The hotel was fun, and swimming was great. The crowds were rude though. If the basic instinct of people can be exposed just by waiting in lines and trying to grab seats or fit through a door, I'm afraid what would happen in a catastrophe like Katrina.

Other than that though, the people were great because they loved the magic and delight that comes with Disney. Orlando has a very strong vacation and laid back feel to it.

Some interesting differences between Disney and Universal though. I thought these were interesting.

Dress - negative points for Disney on this one. I was surprised that the kids at Universal studios were much more modestly dressed and covered up. I mean dang, freakin teen girls running around in bikinis all over the place at Disney or just very skimpily dressed. They took the California Gurl song to heart and actually wore daisy dukes with bikinis on top.

People - the Brazilian groups at Disney CROWDED the crap out of it. There were millions of them. They also had weird chants going on and would randomly burst out in clapping. Oddly they were probably 80% girls. Cheer camp? Dunno, but there were few guys. The crowd at Universal felt slightly older. More families at Disney it seemed. Also, EVERYONE'S SO freakin tan. I have actually fell in love with that. Helps that Jim's love interest in the Office in the season where I'm at is also a tan cutie.

Environment/Presentation - Universal Studios definitely has a different feel than Disney. Disney entrance - greeted by a fun, springy Disney-ish song and the Disney characters. Universal Studios entrance - Toxic by Britney Spears. yep. It also seemed like the park people generally seemed less cheery than the Disney workers. i don't know what it is. Maybe its the water. Which brings me to my next point.

Water - the water in Florida tastes like it all comes from the pool. Ewgh. On another interesting note, Universal Studios actually has cold water, unlike Disney.

Cooling - Universal Studios air conditioning sucks.

Cleanliness - Universal Studios was less clean than Disney. Maybe that's what was irking the workers. The bathrooms were less cleanly kept (i only know about the men's restrooms, nothing about the girls), toilet paper rolls were either messy or not even in the dispenser thingies.

Highlights

- my dad almost getting into a fight with this one guy about bus seating with me trying to hold them both back. I mean, this guy was stocky, not big, but wide, and easily over 200 lbs. not a lot, but keep in mind that between me and him there is at least a 60 lb weight difference. I think I could have still taken care of him. ... if he wasn't standing so close to me....and if he didn't have his buddy behind him....and if I was Chuck Norris. Good thing nothing happened, cooler heads prevailed. But the bus ride home will be remembered as one of the most tense, awkward, and embarrassing moments in my life. However, I am glad to say that I learned from this sad experience: that under this high intensity situation I remained calm and did not panic, I actually tried to stop things from getting out of hand, and I was able to actually think pretty clearly.

- Having 8 rides delayed on us, 4 by my own dad. *facepalm*

- Hollywood Rip Ride Coaster, the Hulk coaster, the Rock N' Roller, the Wizarding World of Harry Potter, Finding Nemo musical, Fear Factor Live, the stunt racing, the Yeti ride in Animal Kingdom, the scarier than I thought Dinosaur ride, the Mummy ride,

- being owned constantly by wave after wave of brazilian crazies, jam-packing every ride. They actually visually increased the waiting time of the Shrek 4D line by 10 minutes. They were young, loud, and everywhere. I have never seen so many blonde brazilians in my life, nor so intimidated (you can't avoid eye contact when you're the same height as them. I hate that), nor so excited because they were so excited.

- spending the most time at a japanese store in Epcot. Who knew they had so much asian merchandise? and who knew we would fly several thousand miles east to spend time at an asian store?

- making tons of jokes about dying and the ways one could die on a roller coaster when the hollywood rip ride coaster was delayed by 30 minutes. My personal favorite; having the roller coaster abruptly stop at the top of a fast ascent as the safety bar flings up, hurtling the rider upward into the sky where he breaks in the window of an airplane as the airplane crash lands into an airport a la Saint Barthélemy Airport style.

Overall I enjoyed Disneyworld slightly more than Universal Studios. I already miss both places. As a result, I now want an internship in Florida. Or Brazil. haha.

2010-07-14T21:36:00.000-07:00

What have I been doing since I've been home? That's a very good question. Wait. What was that? You didn't ask that question? Well, who cares, I'm going to answer that one.

Not much. That's the short and sweet answer. I've taken up some hobbies like painting and doing P90X (yes, the exercise routine that has hurt me in places I didn't even know could hurt). I've actually started writing a short story. I also have a Church calling, and I want to finish my Duty to God thing. On the weekends I like to take long walks on the beach and have romantic dinners. Not really. Though a beach is nearby now and amazingly awesome. I've also made a few videos (one of Lights, one for LightsArmy, and one for k.A. Applegate as part of their presentation to show to Scholastic in August about Animorphs. in case you did not know, scholastic is planning to re-release Animorphs next spring/summer. yay, another childhood obsession resurrected from the dust!).

The biggest thing I've done is catch up on tv series. Heroes (LOVE LOVE. really really like Hayden Panettierre, haha. Peter Petrelli is pretty kewl too. I hate that schizo girl, she scares me. Sylar is really kewl too for a bad guy. I hate mohinder. and Hiro is hilarious.), Avatar (I ended up really liking the series. Its got some deep stuff in there relating to human relationships), and the Guild (Felicia Day is my heroine). But one of the best ones is the Office.

I had only caught a few episodes here and there before and loved it, but now, with the power that is Netflix, I can watch everything. And from watching the Office, I've learned a few valuable lessons about life.

1. Its not about salary or pay. Its about the people you work with. I would love to work with michael scott, even if he is a bully or a jerk. I would love even more to work with Josh and play CoD all day. The Office has helped me to understand that a job can be fun, full of pranks, jokes, and awkward moments. Emphasis on awkward moments.

2. Office life is going to be full of interesting and weird people. If Dwight was my desk buddy I would be both intimidated, and curious. The Office has also taught me that everybody can be more interesting if you have a camera following them around all the time. :)

3. Most importantly, Jim has taught me something special. See, I've been getting something wrong all this time. You don't pull pranks on your friends. You pull pranks with your friends. Your friendships only go so far when your friend is on the receiving end. The right way to do it is to find a common enemy and pull pranks on them together, thus ensuring that your friendships are strengthened and become endearing through the bonding feeling of owning someone; together. Then later, you can cherish those memories by giving them a present at Christmas full of inside jokes and pranks. Thank you Jim for helping me see the light of day. And for giving me loads of ideas. haha

See, now if I only I had known this back in Chinese class..... hmmm.....

Anyway. TV is great.

You Would not Believe your Eyes.

2010-07-09T20:42:00.000-07:00

semi-finished. Still gotta swap a few pictures around, play with the effects a bit more, call it something. big thanks and kudos to my friends who contributed photos including my sister.

Spring Night

2010-07-03T19:07:00.001-07:00

" Destiny is what we make it,

choice is ours, so don't delay it,

fate is nice, but unrelated"

" I can wait a thousand hours,

stay the same in sun and showers,

pick apart a thousand flowers..."

A First for Everything.

2010-06-25T17:57:00.001-07:00

This is the first time in my time at college that I've gotten straight A's. Yes. I know other people are doing that in their sleep. I, however, am not that diligent. I always make a stupid mistake here or there. Its a marathon just to get through one term without screwing something up. Not doing and extra credit here. Missing a crucial class here. Forgetting.. uh, to take a midterm. Yeah. I'm forgetful. That means I have to rely on other ways and advantages to get an A. And i'm not talking about cheating. Things such as...begging the teacher for mercy. Annoyingly visiting the teacher's office at all times of the day and leaving notes. Promising to take the TA on a double date if she would just let me retake the midterm. Ok. That last one wasn't exactly the way it went. BUT, I am going with her on a double date once I come back in the Fall. And. She did let me retake the midterm. Yeah I missed that midterm. Yeah I retook it. Yeah I got an A- in the class. Boo-yah, in your face. Figure that one out. thank you so much Chinese TA. :)*

But like I said. I did not realize how smart everyone at BYU was until just this past term. How did I get here? Consider the following conversation.

Rachel: I CANNOT get an A- in this class. I came here from Community College on a 4.0 GPA!

Me: WOW. A 4.0 GPA? You are super smart!

Rachel: What? Its not that hard. You've never gotten straight A's before?

Me thinking: Oh crap. I can NOT let her know how stupid I am. uh...quick, think of something witty. No. She won't fall for that. Hmm... got it.

Me: Well ya know. I would get A-'s and stuff.

Rachel: Oh yeah, well that makes sense.

Me: Whew, dodged a bullet on that one.

Notice how I did not lie per se (even though I consider any form of deception a lie). I just merely answered another question. I didn't say I had never gotten straight A's. I just said I had gotten A-'s. Haha. Oh, I'm so clever. I hope she doesn't get a hold of this blog. I already think she hates me.

But you see. That's just how it is at BYU. You rarely see anyone below a 3.0 GPA. luckily, I don't fall under that category. I've also been on probation for a semester before and threatened to be kicked out of a second. Someone should award me for that. Its a hard act to achieve. "The Award for Student that's been on Probation yet has a Cumulative GPA Above 3.0". :D How many students can claim that? That's right. A handful.

And one last thing to illustrate my point.

I was telling Shalise's brother the other day that I would only redo one thing about freshman year, and that would be grades. It stank. Thus the point in the previous paragraph. In which case, Shalise enthusiastically agreed. I was so relieved to hear that from a fellow straggler that Iwas going to tell her my freshman year story as a bonding experience.

So I began, "Yeah, my freshman year grades sucked!"

To which Shalise said, "Yeah I know. They were so bad. I got a B+!"

"Yeah I know, I got a ... ... wait. what?"

"A B+"

"0_0 followed by *FACEPALM*"

Well. I could have kept quiet about my own grades, but this time, I decided to be truthful.

"I...got...an F."

"What? In what?"

"In math".

"What were you doing?"

"Um...writing stories in class."

"That's so funny."

You hear that Mike Glazier? I blame you for writing such awesomely funny stories that distracted me in class. Of course, that was a slight lie, because I wrote stories with Mike the SECOND time I took that class. And yes, I proceeded to bomb that semester too and hence, the probation. Everything's coming together now.

You see the pressure of performing at BYU? Yeah. Crazy. Its like being a 9th grader in a college class except I'm not a child prodigy. Its like chasing cars, I wouldn't know what to do if I caught one.

I feel like this post has turned into a confession about all the times that I've lied. haha. But fear not, I eventually told the truth to my dear friends. Good thing too, because Shalise told me that she figured out that I've been fluent in Chinese this whole time and that I should stop tricking people. I proceeded to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but. :)

*big thanks though to my TA and my chinese teacher for being so merciful to me. God knows I would not survive without them.

String of Weddings

2010-06-23T09:48:00.001-07:00

Katie, Breanne, and Heather are getting married this week. In an ironic twist of fate, a bunch of my friends became single this week. 0_O

Best. Week. EVER

2010-06-20T14:15:00.000-07:00

And you know why? The Lakers won the championship. I am SO HAPPY. Back to back baby. Ready for a three-peat!! I actually turned off the TV at the third quarter because we were down 13. We were down 9 earlier, and this second fall behind disgusted me. So my roommates, who don't care for basketball, watched. They said they wanted the Lakers to win just so I wouldn't be depressed. hahha. Nice roommates. But we did it again. Kobe has 5. Yay-ya. Now we look forward to next year. YES!

Also saw Toy Story 3. I liked it more than I thought I would. Of course, I went in not expecting or knowing anything. So it was pretty neat. Crying babies and little kids everywhere was pretty interesting too. haha.

Then, went over to Brittany's place to talk for a couple hours. Dang. So many good moments and quotes and know one else will get it.

Man I miss wyview already. ugh. Well. Fall will bring its own interesting things hopefully.

Best Day of spring term

2010-06-15T22:26:00.000-07:00

honestly. today has been the best day of spring term.

Studying for 3 hours, another hour of review. Played basketball with Josh for an hour and a half. Lunch and dinner at the canon. Watched all the craziness that was E3. I think E3 did it for me. Yeah, I can't believe all the stuff they revealed. I am SUPER STOKED for the 3DS and oh man, I was just speechless. The video gamer in me definitely erupted today and made a return.

On top of that, Lakers CRUSHED the Celtics brutally. That made me super happy, especially because Sunday's loss actually depressed me super much to the point that I went to sleep sad. Yeah...

Shalise: Its just a basketball game.

Landon: Its not just a basketball game.

Me: Sometimes, its just a basketball game. But sometimes, its more than that.

as quoted from a basketball commercial. haha.

But yeah, Lakers force a Game 7. YES! Oh man, topped the day off with playing Smash Brothers, talking to my sister and wishing her happy birthday, and more roomie bonding for the last little bit and its just been the perfect day.

Anyway. whoop!

Quotes of the week

Stewart: Dang, my cut is open. Now I'm bleeding. I better stop playing before everyone gets AIDS like me.

Shalise: We're going to Israel and Egypt. But I think we're going to get bombed.

LOLOLOL.

Crazy Week

2010-06-14T12:43:00.001-07:00

This is going to be a CRAZY week.

Finals. studying. Eating.

packing. Saying good-bye.

Toy Story 3.

E freakin 3. dang. yeah.

EDIT: E3 is BLOWING MY PANTS OFF. DANGGG!!

Melody in my Head

2010-06-08T22:23:00.001-07:00

So I got some spare time to write. And so. I will write. I was listening to some songs the other day. Which I do too often because I feel cut off from the world. But anyway, I was listening, and a song came on that reminded me of someone. I actually have a playlist on my iPod called "Soundtrack of Life". It originally came from a myspace thing where you fill out what songs would make up on a soundtrack of your life. For example, "Breakup Song" or "Character Revelation Song". However, the playlist is made mostly of songs that I think were cool or fit my mood. I want to chat about the songs that actually remind me of people and places.

Song name, Band - memory

Buddy Holly, Weezer - this song perhaps symbolizes the theme song of freshman year. I don't know why I liked it so much. Every time I hear, it instantly calls up memories of chatting in Mike's room, walking slash dancing down the streets of heritage, random dancing in the middle of campus. I can even almost feel and smell Deseret Towers whenever I hear the song. haha. Love that song.

runner-up

2-0-5, Jibjab - Mike and I memorized this song. And sang it constantly. I think this song epitomizes the seriousness with which we took freshman year.

Where is the Love?, Black Eyed Peas - Amy Shah. The first time I ever heard this song was from her xanga. Hearing this song instantly takes me back to 10th grade.

Peaches and Cream, 112 - Amy Shah. even more of a reminder of her than Where is the Love?

Hey Ya, Outkast - for a spanish project, we translated this song into Spanish...and then performed. Also reminds me of PE junior year when the PE teacher said something about shaking it like a polaroid picture. That phrase was so common then.

The Last Thing on Your Mind, Lights - i don't listen to this song that much, because its the song that got me through winter semester 2009. So when I hear it, it reminds me of the crazy days.

Shawty Get Loose, Lil Mama - the first song I really learned for Club Style. So many memories attached to this one. I will remember the beginning of sophomore year, and the year after my mission with this song.

This is my Idea, Swan Princess - Lauren Gardner. lol

The Light, April Meservy - I started playing this song everytime after my companion and I put someone date to be baptized. Later, I got all my companions addicted. I remember, once, we went the whole day only listening to this song. Its been the one song that's been consistently there throughout my entire mission, so it embodies so many good memories. Now, usually I play it when I want to feel good, or right after I get a date with someone I'm interested in. haha.

Holy is the Lord, Chris Tomlin

Forward with Faith, Kim Bracken

When its Time we Arrive, artist unknown

- all these songs remind me of serving out in Price. Whenever I hear them it reminds me of road tripping it up to Vernal and watching the amazing greenery around us. I also usually play Holy is the Lord when I'm contemplating, or right after an exhausting basketball game. its a simple song, but in those moments I feel like I LOVE life, and I just talk to God. I just feel on top of the world, and closer to the spirit and to my mission. And we share inside jokes. haha.

- Forward with Faith reminds me of meadows, fresh grass, and breezy spring mornings.

Casanova, Lights - Jenny Young. i have NO idea why. it just does.

Toxic, Britney Spears

Ocean Avenue, Yellowcard

- high school freshman year memories. freshman year dances, assemblies, innocence, and fun

Werewolf

2010-06-04T22:26:00.000-07:00

There's this game called werewolf. It is awesome. Its like mafia. But more fun because it adds additional roles into the game. We played the first round regularly, and kept adding more roles each round (and more and more people kept joining, so it kept getting crazier). The roles we added each round were the following:

Seer: the seer is like the sheriff in mafia and gets to pick one person while everyone is asleep to ask the narrator if that person is a wolf or not. The narrator will indicate yay or nay. The tricky part is for the Seer to play his part well to help the villagers guess the werewolf guess correctly without revealing himself (or the werewolves might target him/her next).

Little girl: Honestly, i hated this character. What the little girl gets to do is look while the werewolves are making their selections on who to kill. The little girl has to be sneaky about it, or else if the werewolves catch her they can kill her off instantly. The little girl is kinda like the seer in that she needs to help the villagers catch the wolves without revealing herself.

Witch: The witch is like the nurse in mafia except she has a heal potion and a death potion. She gets a turn where the narrator tells her who is going to be killed and she can choose to heal that person, do nothing, or kill someone else with her potion. She only has one potion though. The interesting part is, if the seer or little girl reveals themselves, the witch can then protect them for one round with the heal potion while they find the werewolves.

Captain: the captain is elected before the first round begins. This person is the vocal leader of the group, and gets 1.5 votes as a person to break ties. If the captain is killed, he/she elects a new captain (which makes it interesting when they don't know who the werewolf is).

Cupid: The cupid gets a turn in the first round (while everyone is asleep) to pick two people to be lovers (they can pick themselves if they want to). Then the cupid goes to sleep and the lovers open their eyes (the narrator makes it known who the lovers are). During the daytime, the lovers and cupid can reveal themselves if they want to. What happens with the lovers is that if one lover dies, the other lover dies with him/her (making for interesting combinations).

Hunter: The hunter gets to kill someone else (or not) when he/she dies. They can choose whomever.

Thief: the thief gets a turn in the first round where they can choose to steal another person's role/ability or an unused role. If he/she steals another person's role, than that person whose role is stolen gets the unused role.

So this made for some interesting games. In the first game, Mary and Rachel killed everyone (with me being the first person to be killed). I couldn't trust Mary after that.

There was another round where Owen was elected captain and was also the werewolf. I was cupid, and made Mary and Owen lovers. Well, what I didn't realize was that Mary was also a Seer(or Sheriff). We wanted Mary to use her ability and see if Owen was a werewolf, and in order to protect the seer's identity we told the seer to not say anything if Owen was innocent. Well...since Mary knew Owen was her lover, she protected him, unknowingly, also protecting the werewolf. In the end, the werewolves decided to kill Owen (Owen being a werewolf himself decided to do it), and took down Mary with her, leaving Jason as the werewolf winner. (They could have alternatively decided to kill Jason, leaving both Mary and Owen to be the winners).

Rebecca was werewolf like three times, and she played her parts well though it was hard for her to lie. But she was hard to read, and once I actually defended her when she was a werewolf since she was eliminated first or second in the first three rounds innocently. haha.

I was also accused a ton, but was innocent each time. The one time I was werewolf, I committed suicide and revealed myself to preserve my truth-telling reputation.

The game had so much argument, lying, and logic that it was actually really fun. One time, Steve was going to use his death potion on me because he was convinced I was a werewolf. Well, the werewolves attacked him that night and he had to use his health potion to save himself. Oddly enough, this convinced him that I was not the werewolf because he said a smart werewolf would have killed someone else and let him use his death potion on me killing two villagers in one night.

The best was probably the last round where the captain was also cupid and actually made him and his wife lovers. However, his wife was the thief, and used her ability to become a werewolf. We did not realize, and the captain himself did not realize, that there was a third werewolf until we killed the second werewolf and there was 5 people left. The captain, still convinced that his wife/lover was innocent, asked the seer to reveal Rachel if she was a werewolf. He had asked the Seer to reveal Mary the previous round. She was a werewolf, and that eliminated the second, and presumably, last werewolf. However, it got interesting, because the seer and captain both realized who the third werewolf was at the same time, and the captain, realizing he would die if the werewolf died, began using his voting powers to kill the other 3 innocent people. Rachel died that night, using her last potion the round before to save the Seer. The villagers than targeted me, but the Seer, knowing that I was the hunter, and that I would kill the captain if I had a choice, went along with the votes and killed me. I then shot the captain, who died, and whose lover, the werewolf, also died, leaving the Seer victorious.

Yeah, the game was intense at times. But I really really enjoyed it, mainly because for me I was able to deduce most of the time who the werewolves were or come close. And it was played by the right people, the right crowd. Loved it. lots of yelling, accusations, defending (I loved Owen's defense, "I hate little girls" or his reason for why he should be captain "I rock"), lots of brain power being generated, lots of complexities, the room just felt alive and pulsating with how much we genuinely were thinking about the game. Don't know how to explain, just the right crowd and, despite all the arguments, a pretty clean and no ill-will game, with fun personalities.

note for myself on what I want to write next:

-Which songs that remind me of people and places

-capitalism, workplace alienation, and World of Warcraft and how they are connected

2010-06-01T17:40:00.000-07:00

So my trip up to Idaho was an eye opener and revelation. It was crazy, up and down, with drama, but ended happily enough. But it sparked some self-contemplation and wonderings of warnings from others.

First of all, my Californian friends are way more flirty than I remembered. Or its maybe cause I've been in Utah for so long. Mark and Jeff were Ok, but it was Alex and Dezzy that sparked the constant flirting more than anything else. haha. But it certainly made the road trip slightly more....interesting.

I ended up hanging out with mission friends for most of the time. We actually all ended up staying at different places, but I had fun. Watching the Laker game at Applebee's and being one of two people cheering for the Lakers (the other being a waitress, and the moment the Lakers won on a game-winning shot will be forever one of the kewlest memories I've shared with a stranger). The game itself was pretty crazy. Then watching the Lakers close it out with two of my mission buddies who were both rooting for the Suns...even more fun and memorable times. Got to see a bunch of missionaries, party a bit with them, and went to a single's ward with them. Fun times.

I did not know that there were personal agendas with my Californian friends about why they went to Idaho. I mean, that would make sense, they HATE utah, why would they ever go up to Idaho? Misunderstanding, hurt feelings, and an overall unstructured and unorganized road trip pretty much felt like it doomed the trip as the days went on. By the middle I was wondering if the reason anyone was doing anything was for an ulterior motive.

It was disappointing to see that, as immature and child-like as I am, I had, in a way, matured more than they did in the two years since I've been home since the mission. It was really interesting to see Dezzy become interested and entangled in boy trouble, a completely different Dezzy than the one I knew two years ago, making feel like the student had finally surpassed the teacher. The one thing I'm most amused about is that she continues to be more of a fan than a friend. However, when all the craziness settled, and as we were at Jack-in-the-Box the friend side of her finally revealed itself.

Overall, after all the frustration that I had felt coming off the trip, I finally understand the line "cuz I don't need your mess, I'll be the one to keep you, one disaster less" from Lights. Though their drama certainly is entertaining, and crazy at times, I will always be their friend, because sometimes, who else will be? haha.

Date-nomics Part 2

2010-05-23T15:22:00.000-07:00

the following is to whom it may concern. It contains a lot of numbers. You have been warned.

For everyone at BYU, there is one thing that is joked about and talked about more than anything else (save the Gospel and Church). Sadly, it is not what we can do to rid ourselves of today's social problems. It is not starcraft. It is not sports. And no, it is not zombies (but you were thinking it weren't you? Yes. you were). Its marriage and dating.

I read through a word document I had written down a awhile ago (because really, I have nothing else to do with my life besides listening to Lights). January 26th, 2009 to be precise. The previous day in church our high councilor had made a very interesting remark. It went like this, "20% of the girls at BYU get 90% of the dates on campus". Surprising? Possibly, but from everyone I've talked to, its actually believable. I approached my sociology teachers about this, and one of them said she'd round up some numbers to see if this accurate. I'm not sure how much sociologists would know about this stuff, but hey, they deal with people and numbers right?

But before we jump to conclusions we shall apply what we've learned in statistics (oh how I love thee) to real life because after all, what else is statistics good for? If there's one thing we all should have learned in statistics, its this: statistics can lie. And in this case, they are, at the least, deceiving. I should have asked the high councilor where he got his information, but I didn't. sorry.

First, there are about 33,000 students on campus (32,995 to be exact according to this). We'll just assume for now that half is female and half is male. Making, 16,500 males and 16500 females. The numbers straight up mean that 3300 girls are garnering 90% of the dates. Do you see a potential follow-up question here? It might go something like this, "well...how many dates are actually going around?" Assuming EVERY guy is going on one date a month, it would mean, 3300 girls are receiving 14,850 dates a month out of a possible 16,500 dates. That's 4.5 dates a month per girl. If every guy is going out three times a month, the number jumps to 44,550 dates and 13.5 dates per girl in the 20% category. And from what I know, there are girls receiving that many per month.

Of course, there's a flaw there. I mean, its blindingly obvious. Not every boy goes on one date per month, much less three. The statistic given us could be vastly misleading. Consider this what if only 20% of guys are actually going on dates (we'll assume once a month to for simplicity sake)? That means there are only 3300 dates per month, and 20% of the girls on campus are receiving 2970 dates. The other 330 dates are being divided between the other 13,200 girls on campus. See how one statistic can reveal different things?

One last thing with the numbers. There are more married men on campus than married women. So even though there are more guys than girls, there is an uneven percentage of single girls to single guys.

So what does this all mean? Well....first. Whatever the actual numbers are, it is still horribly skewed toward those 3300 females on campus. That means, either guys need to do better in asking a larger variety of girls or more guys need to go on dates. If every guy went on three dates a month with a different girl, every girl on campus could go on one a date month. EVERY girl. I can say that I've done a better job with that. I've dated the girls who haven't been asked as much as well as the girls that go on dozens of dates (even though it feels like the girls who go on a lot of dates actually seem to enjoy it more, but that's another story).

But here's a bonus. I have some actual hard facts. Haha, yes of course. you didn't think I'd just spout off numbers without some hardcore evidence did you? My class and I have actually collected some data together. Out of 91 males surveyed, 21 say they either don't date or have gone on an average of 0 dates a month. That's about 23%. But the rest on average are in the 1-6 dates a month range (39 in 1-3 dates/month, and 20 in the 4-6 range). So what does it look like for the girls? Well, the data there is a little incomplete because we had a lot more girls who didn't answer that question and there are actually a lot more girls surveyed, but even comparably we see slight differences. For example... 31% of the first 91 girls surveyed either didn't date or had zero dates on average. Is it statistically significant? Do i have enough knowledge to run a test that will prove so? How did the dinosaurs die? The answers to those three questions are all the same. I don't now. I can say though that the girls' graph seems way more varied than the guys' graph (which looks more like a normal distribution).

So does the statistics hold up? Not really. As far as I was able to tell, its more like 19% of the girls at BYU get 67% of the possible dates on campus. Which is actually still very skewed. but those are very rough numbers. Still, bottom line, if we were to take anything from this, its that its still very skewed. So...there ya go.

Anyway. I think I want to stop doing numbers now. I hope that provided some sort of information, or entertainment, for now.

I Want to Punch Her in the Face

2010-05-18T23:14:00.000-07:00

I've been influenced greatly by many different people in my life. I think I was a pretty impressionable youngster growing up kinda just absorbing whatever person the world threw my way like a drop of water absorbing other droplets (yes...weird comparison there...). Now that I have more of a mind of my own I'm more prone to pick and choose. But I read a few of my stuff that I've written over the past year and its been interesting to see where some of my habits and things come from.

I remember writing (but can't find it now) a paper titled "Because of a Girl" that chronicled major events that helped shape my life that happened because of a girl. For example (and this is the best from memory that I can put it...but after all it is my memory so its more or less the same as what I originally wrote):

Because of a girl, I was born into this world.

Because of two girls, I am a better older brother.

Because of a girl, I decided to go ahead and transfer into a college prep school.

Because of a girl, I gained a love for service.

Because of a girl, I felt welcome at BYU.

Because of a girl, I had my heart broken and met my best friend Mike (and I would add here also, Luke Davidson).

partly because of no girls, I went on my mission.

...and on and one it went mostly just talking about really close friends that helped me make tough decisions or changed the outcome of my life.

Here's another one while we're at it.

I realized where I get the violent/affectionate phrase of "I want to punch her in the face" when I refer to people I actually care about. I got it from Dezzy. Reading back on some things tonight it was like a light came on in my head. Of course it was Dezzy. Consider the following:

Kelsey: He's going to go back to BYU in a few days.

Dezzy: WHAT?! Why didn't you tell me?

Me: I don't know...

Dezzy: Steven, I'm going to stuff this brownie into your face.

Affectionate right? Or...here's another one

Me: (i don't even know what I said)

Dezzy: Steven. I'm going to punch you in the face.

Sweet.

I have a word document entitled "Things I Learned from People". Its now a practice of mine that after every date I evaluate the good in the other person and try to live it in my own life. I also pick up things I see other people do and try to do it if I can think it is good. In some situation I might actually pause and think "how might this person approach this?" For example.

*finds a sword at Wal-Mart*

Me: Now...what might Luke do with this sword? And what would Mike do with it?

Because what Luke would do with it is completely different than what Mike would do it with it. But practicality included, some of the things listed on that document next to people's names include

"how to be a gentlemen"

"how to work hard"

"how to be patient and humble"

"how to be more studious"

"how to talk/communicate to people"

However, as is always in life, I absorb the good and the bad sometimes. My current pet peeve right now (and I'll write more next time) is:

Girls who don't talk to you/be your friend anymore because you aren't romantically interested in them. OR. Girls who only use you when they want attention.

It annoys me so much. More the former than the latter. I hang out, study, eat, go on dates, and help stuff with you and you ditch me because I'm not interested? Not Cool. Thanks a lot. Then they just get upset, and...anyway. Its understandable because I find myself doing it too. i react to the way they're reacting to me.

I have found out that one reason I am sometimes flirty (in an outgoing way) is because some of the girls I hang out with are that way and that's what I've grown accustomed to. I learned from the best.

So the conclusion is...I am a sum of my experiences mixed with my own personality. Some people have had a greater influence than others, and often times, the people that I'm hanging out with currently have the greatest influence.

Well...I didn't even get around to what I actually wanted to write about (the dating statistic at BYU. how did i get here? i don't know).

Grade Jumps in Biology

2010-05-13T22:16:00.000-07:00

I read an example of a job interview question on one of my friend's websites that asked something like this, "Can you give me an example of when you demonstrated integrity in your life?"

The first thing that came to my mind as I tried to answer this question was a flashback to cold chilly day in early November last year. Ok, I don't remember if it was cold or chilly, but that's how I imagined it (and yes, it was only a few months ago, so sue me. Actually, don't. anyway...). i was at Wal-Mart. I had a biology extra credit assignment that I badly needed. For some reason, biology was killing me that semester (actually, I think all my classes were taking turns beating me up like i was a pinata on cinco de mayo...which is how I think you celebrate cinco de mayo without getting drunk). In short, I needed it because I was hovering in C range and anything the teacher was giving me was a mercy shot.

The extra credit assignment required me to draw several examples of tRNA coding, translation, and transcription (I remember this stuff? wow) and then explain it to seven people and get their signatures. I admittedly was late in starting it and the assignment was due that Monday at midnight. So...when do I usually go to Wal-Mart? On Mondays. Before midnight.

Well, by the time I was making my Wal-Mart run I had hurriedly compiled six signatures but couldn't come up with anymore people (because honestly, that's the number of friends I have). Anyway, one of my friends was encouraging me to just force the seventh one and she actually did it for me. Her argument was convincing. I needed it. No one would ever know. Besides, I had actually put in the work for it. And it was just such a little extra credit assignment. Its not that big of a deal. If I didn't do it, I would be an idiot, or at worst, a pansy. Sounds convincing right? Thank you Satan (no attack on her personally XD) .

But then came this thought (ok, this is gonna sound cheesy, but this is how it went). I thought about what kind of person I was. What kind of person I wanted to be. What kind of person I was becoming. I knew if I wanted God's blessings, I needed to be obedient. Even more so, I knew to become the person I wanted it to be, it was little moments like these, when no one else would really know what you did, little choices like these that built people into the heroes I admired. When crunch time came to perform they already proved themselves a thousand times over in a plethora of tiny personal decisions. I wanted to have integrity, even if it was a seemingly insignificant thing. It was a self-conscious evaluation of who I was. I made the decision, and put it away and didn't think of it anymore.

And yay. Moral victory. But wait...this is one of those happy ending stories. hahah.

The next day, there was a devotional by Jon M. Huntsman. His voice was monotone, his talk didn't have any cool stories, his personality wasn't flamboyant, but one thing touched me deeply. He talked about integrity. And halfway through the talk I started to realize that the talk applied to me personally. To me, it was God's way of letting me know I had done the right thing.

But WAIT. it gets BETTER. Yeah, that's right. I'll tell you the story, and you tell me it was coincidence.

At the end of the year, our biology teacher did something unexpected. He told us that if we got a better grade on our Final than our grade in class up to that point it would be replaced by that final grade. I had a C+. I felt I could at least get a B-. so I studied. a lot. And got...

a B-! YES! So it replaced my C+ grade. ..... but that's not all. My teacher then...CURVED the FINAL.... so my Final's grade became a ...get this. 89.6. I was like....."are you seriously kidding me?!?!?" I ended up with an A- that semester in biology (C+ to A- in, basically, one day), a good endorsement from my biology teacher, confidence to do research for the ecology department, a $10000 gift certificate, and backstage passes to all Lights concerts. Ok. Not the last two.

I do understand this doesn't happen all the time. More often than not it ends up with just you knowing what you did. But let me tell you... these little moments take you down a road where you can look back and see how far you've come. I have to say, its worked out so far (Its also worked out winter semester, D+ to A- but that's another story).

So. Don't forget. Integrity. Trust. It matters.

Stronger than Friendship

2010-05-06T09:29:00.001-07:00

I beat last year's June texting record by 316 texts. With a collective group effort and massive contributions from various individuals I broke the 3100 set last year by 202 and Katie, and arrived at a sound 3416 texts for March 13th-April 13th. I would like to take this time to thank my mom, my brother, and the peeps from my Chinese class. Thank you. Without you guys, I would never have done this on my own. I now look forward to sometime next year where we can beat the record again. :)

In other news...

... my roommates are awesome. We have all bonded over something that has, time and time again, continued to bring people together. Is it love? No. Is it brotherhood? No. Is it girls? Close. Its Starcraft. That's rights. Its done it again folks. Consider the following exchange.

Me: Austin, what were you talking about?

Austin: Oh, my brother sent me a link to a starcraft 2 beta key.

James: What? You guys play Starcraft?

Austin: Of course, it was like my life in 5th grade.

Me: Yes, in fact, I have it right now in my CD drive.
Austin: I accidentally brought mine.

James: Well, I have it too. And we have LAN. So...

all of us colletively: STARCRAFT PARTY!

And so...a bond was created between men that may last a lifetime. Or at least until we start trash talking each other and kicking each other's butts. I for one, am going to try not having my butt kicked too much.

Austin is a premie and a music major. He seems pretty chill. Always relaxed, always soft-voiced. Kinda like a gentle giant. He's pretty normal except for one thing. He disappears at night for large swaths of moments at a time. He always takes a backpack with him. He's not going to practice his trumpet...because when he does he takes his trumpet case. James says he's witnessed him coming back late at night dressed up as a Crusader.... not like the full gear, but just like a cape here...a gear there. James thinks he might be a larper (which I found out means Live-Action Role-Player...who knew?). But after further consideration, many conversations, and speculation, we've come to the realization that it could only be one thing. He's a superhero. Yes. You heard that right. I mean...the late nights, the cape, the secretiveness, the backpack... it makes sense. Musician by day... SUPERHERO by night. Hopefully, his superhero skills doesn't translate to computer gaming skills.

And James.... what can I say about James? I guess this pretty much sums it up.

(James coming out of his bedroom): I woke up because I sensed people talking about video games without me.

...

the 10,000 rule.

2010-04-29T12:51:00.000-07:00

Its time to get red hot again, haha. yeah, after having not having anything meaningful to write for about the last two weeks (i mean, who could top owl city?, anything? yeah, I thought so. haha).

Anyway...so I think I've figured out the reason why I suck at a lot of things, and a jack of all trades (medium skills) at a lot of things. Psychologists have come up with this magic number of hours that it takes to become a master at something. Bill Gates and Bill Joy both logged in 10,000 hours of computer programming time by the time they hit college and Berkeley respectively. Even Mozard had ten years of experience before he composed his first considered classic. Consider the Beatles... they had already performed live 1200 times in Hamburg when they started having success in 1964, often playing eight hours a day, seven days a week. I mean, how many bands can say they've performed live 1200 times...ever? In the studies, psychologists divided violinists according to talent and ability. There were 3 groups, "future world-class stars", "good", and "future public education teachers". The difference between the three groups was time practiced since they first picked up a violin (the students were at Berlin's Academy of Music at this time).

Group A = avg. 10,000 hours

Group B = avg. 8,000 hours

Group C = avg. 4,000 hours.

They did the same with pianists. Same result. They concluded that once peopled reached a certain level of skill, the only thing that further distinguishes them is hours practiced. So...talent is good, and there does seem to be innate talent for some people, but work trumps talent and I've been getting by on talent cuz I'm lazy.

So I did a rough estimate of my hours practiced in a particular thing...and here are my results. (note: very rough estimates)

Gaming = 5100 hours (haha)

Piano = 1560 hours (started at 8)

Basketball = 1613 hours (started at 14 and this is probably underestimated)

Preaching the Gospel = 5376 hours

Dancing = 288 hours (started sept. 2008, at 21)

studying = 768 (in the last two years.... not a whole lot if you think about it)

So what does this mean? Hmmm....well.

1. I spent too much time on gaming. So I'm not bad. :)

2. I need to take up some new hobbies and spend less time doing distractions and time wasters.

3. Face it, since I'm not going to be a professional gamer, NBA player, pianist, or back-up dancer to BoA none of this actually translates to real-life application except the Gospel. So its time to start doing something "real".

4. I need to put talent to work...or God will take it away....

5. I wonder if this applies to dating...?

6. I'm extremely good at facebook

PR, L, OWL City

2010-04-15T22:26:00.000-07:00

What can I say. It was a fun concert. We left right after the Chinese final, ran into traffic on the way there, and had to drive through a downpour. Thought the show started at 6, but that's only when the doors opened. The show actually started at 6:30. Mike and his gang got there way early, but still missed the meet and greet with Lights, though they saw a guy with a lights shirt.... lol. not lights.

drive up was fun, but once we got there, it was raining hard. We got there just as Paper Route finished their last two songs so the crowd was already pretty packed. We thought about squeezing our way through the crowd to find Mike, whom I thought was somewhere near front. They were...but just squashed in the middle of the crowd. We made several efforts, all failed cause the crowd was packed tight and more and more people kept coming in. Finally, I decided to get us VIP view (I knew this might happen, so I was prepared). there were only two VIP tickets left (though maybe the guy was just saying that).

Anyway, got up to some good seats just as Paper Route finished. We waited for about 20 minutes before Lights came on. Shalise started talking to the girl next to her, Lauren, who was an executive boss or something like that. She seemed kinda weird at first, acted weird (I thought she was slow). The first thing she said to Shalise after Shalise asked her a question was something like, "Basically, my boss tells me to jump and I say 'how f****** high'". Shalise turned to me and said, "she's crazy!" hahaha.

Anyway, Lights came on, and she was awesome, as she always is. Mike said she's really good live. Told his FHE sisters that Lights was a nerd. They asked him if she was pretty and he said yeah, to which they said, "no way she's a nerd". But the second song Lights did, she introed it by saying, "this next song is dedicated to multiplayer-on-line gaming. more specifically this is a song about world of warcraft". HAHAHA. well...that's Lights.

Owl City came on....and let me just say. It was a little different than we expected. First, he sounded way different live. He sounded like a girl at times. Secondly, he danced interestingly....almost like he was drunk at points. And then he did this weird dance with the bouquet of flowers they threw on stage (someone also threw a bra). Thirdly, his mannerisms were very...feminine? Shalise said it quite bluntly, "he was like a *looks around* flamer!"". lol. Anyway, we still enjoyed it even though we only knew like three songs. But they were great. Interestingly, they had a celloist and violist on stage, which I thought was really kewl. They had an encore...planned of course. I wonder what would happen if the crowd didn't shout "encore" and just left the stage. We also thought about finding out where Owl City was staying for the night and stalking them. Shalise asked Lauren, and she said something like "I don't know, and even if I did know I wouldn't tell you." HAHAHA. The crowd was great. Lights even tweeted afterwards how awesome Salt Lake City was...twice!! But they were packed in there tight, and people were constantly having to be pulled out...crazy. Poor younger kids and parents.

We were in the VIP area with the owner and his nieces and nephews or something... and Shalise heard them talking about something preparing for David Archuleta. I found out later afterwards, that David Archuleta was at that concert, and is a mild fan of Lights. lol.

Anyway, we got stuck leaving the parking lot for about 20 minutes, and just listened to Lights (whom Shalise was really impressed by and became a fan of)..and studied for the second part of the Chinese final. Eventually we got out, and went home.

So.... all in all...an interesting and fun night. Great concert. Good view. Didn't deal with the crowds, nice and crazy people. Crazy weather. Awesome performances. yep. :D

April 11th

2010-04-11T16:56:00.000-07:00

should be a holiday. the forums are alive with present giving. twitter is streaming massive amounts of tweets to make a trending topic. and facebook fans are resetting their status to reflect their craziness. haha

Happy Birthday Lights.

and it is only fitting that the last month of the regular school year, I've surpassed 3000 texts for just the second time since getting my new phone. In fact, I broke the record set last June of 3100 when Lauren was texting me crazily. AND. The bill cycle isn't even done yet. I still have two days left and I'm at 3134...

The Looming Last Week of School

2010-04-08T21:04:00.000-07:00

As the final week of the school descends on us, and as finals loom its nice to preview what nastiness is ahead of me...

I've already finished two finals and two classes with A- (luck), and a B (ugh, could have done better, but the final saved my butt). I've raised my dismal chinese grade, slowly and painfully, from a D+ to a respectable 85%. I think I'm actually within distance to nail an A-. For missing the first unit test, THAT's CRAZY (not really, I've had to hit almost 100% on all assignments and quizzes). I'm just so mad at myself for missing that test.

My next two finals should be easy (hopefully) after getting a 92% and a 96% on the last two midterms in those two classes. Hopefully, and let me not get prideful, I can repeat. After that I don't know what's happening to me. lol.

So. I was studying the scriptures and came across some interesting thoughts (and that's what they are, not doctrine or anything). But

modern revelations tell us that "the glory of God is intelligence, or, in other words, light and truth" (Doctrine and Covenants: 93:36). So what is light and truth? The same section in the Doctrine and Covenants says, "truth is knowledge of things as they are and as they were, and as they are to come" and continues, "truth is independent in that sphere in which God has placed it, to act for itself, as all intelligence also" (Doctrine and Covenants 93:24, 30). In this sense then, I think, part of the glory of God is knowledge of things as they are, and as they were, and as they are to come. It also mentions "He that keepeth his commandments receieveth truth and light, until he is glorified in truth and knoweth all things" (Doctrine and Covenants: 93:28, italics added).The scripture makes sense with what we've read before. Light seems to be the effect of gaining truth.

Back in section 93, verse 29 of the Doctrine and Covenants it says, “Intelligence, or the light of truth, was not created or made” (italics added). The following scripture makes sense then, God says, “And he that repents not, from him shall be taken even the light which he has received; for my Spirit shall not always strive with man, said the Lord of Hosts (Doctrine and Covenants 1:33)”. Sounds like rejecting truth means diminishing light. Makes sense also that as we increase in knowledge of truth that we come closer to God. Some scriptures take on interesting new concepts when viewed in this light. For example, Jesus preaches in the Sermon on the Mount, “the light of the body is the eye: if therefore thine eye be single, thy whole body shall be full of light” (St. Matthew 6:22). The Joseph Smith Translation clarifies the teaching saying, “if therefore thine eye be single to the glory of God”.Makes sense again.

Understanding that light and truth corresponds, at least somewhat, to glory a scripture like the following is rendered understandable. Speaking about those who will live with God again, the prophet Joseph Smith says in a vision, “these are they whose bodies are celestial, whose glory is that of the sun, even the glory of God, the highest of all, whose glory the sun of the firmament is written of as typical” (Doctrine and Covenants 76:70. Here glory is used again. Remembering that glory means intelligence, and that intelligence means truth and light, it can be understood that those whose bodies are celestial are those who have an eye single to the glory of God.

again, all my own thoughts, but it makes sense to me, and it really isn't anything new when you look at it.

Pet Peeves

2010-04-05T22:32:00.000-07:00

OK. I have several. I don't know where they come from, and its a weakness in my character.

i realize I HATE not progressing in life. I hate plateauing. I feel like I could always improve. I can always do better, be more perfect. This might stem from a slight feeling of inadequacy and weakness in self-confidence in spite of everything I do. Sometimes, I just feel like I'm not good enough for anything or for anyone. I think its more of a feminine characteristic, but whatever it is, whether creativity, basketball, sports, writing, a talk, anything, I feel I can always be better, do better. So I take note of what I did bad the first time and try to improve. I hate feeling a ceiling on my abilities. But at the same time, a feeling of caring and love prevents me from pulverizing opponents into the dust or playing with their heads and hearts.

Which leads me to my second pet peeve. I HATE, and, interestingly enough, cynically love, when people tell me I can't do or be something. I feel like I have to prove them wrong. And the method I go about that is not always the greatest, as I can get prideful in the process or even change who I am, and then, ironically, it only serves to backfire on myself. I have a bad habit of hating the person who tells me what I can't do, even if they happen to be close friends (which always dissipates because I can't really hold a grudge). I'm not so foolish though to kill myself over it. Like if someone tells me I can't jump out of a window, I am NOT going to prove myself by jumping out of a window. For me, these things are a good motivator in my otherwise, demotivated life. I guess its cause most of my life people have, maybe not directly, but subversively hinted at things that I'm not strong enough, fast enough, big enough, smart enough, mature enough, or creative enough to do. For those people, I hate them, and then I got and secretly try and prove them wrong. In the end, its not about proving them wrong, but proving to myself who I am and what I can do. Its really for myself. And I don't really hate anyone over it, because I realize they help me to be a better person.

March MADNESS 2

2010-03-31T20:58:00.000-07:00

I've learned two important lessons recently.

1. There is a time and season for everything. God is the caretaker, He knows what He wants me to be.
2. Sometimes, I ask, "why do you cut me down? I am doing splendid, and all I want to do is the right thing, why do you do this to me?" when I need to say, "Thanks God for loving me enough to hurt me". Refer to Hugh B. Brown's short talk "The Currant Bush" for the full story.

March has been a tough month. I've trudged through this semester slowly, and it was all good till March slapped me in the face with a fly swatter. A really big one. Now, my reward I'm going to give myself for a job...sorta well done, is the Owl City/Lights concert on the 12th of April. Actually, forget Owl City, the only person I'm waiting to see and meet is Lights. haha.

Two Finals tackled, 3 more to go. Here is the final stretch!

I've heard a quote that goes something like this... "friendship is like a train. you ride it, and get off at your stop". which means that with some friendships, its not meant to last. I thought that was ridiculous, but now I think some ways its true. I think relationships can be eternal, but sometimes it can't be helped. relationships fade. even the strongest of relationships disappear not because it was bad, but because life happens. And I'm sure in heaven, things will be different. Looking back at my entire life, I can't say I've grown up with a few best friends. None of my best friends now were even known to me 5 years ago. My close friends last year are no longer close friends this year. And its been the case year after year, especially with female friends so I can't say it won't be different next year. Sure, the Big Three will be intact (though how long that lasts perhaps we'll never know, "but I do know, here today, that the Black Knights will emerge victorious once again." - quote from Independence Day), and sure, there have been friendships retained from last year and years prior, Katie, Ash, Asia, Kelsey, Erin, Larissa, but the fact remains that the majority of people I met last year I only see once in awhile or on facebook.
The friendships I thought for sure would translate over to this year have dissolved (though again, not for any bad reason). However, it does make for every year to be interesting. Mike and I discussed this before, its like a TV show or Harry Potter. We got the main group, and then we have a revolving door of supporting casts and guests every year. So we shall see...as always.

Reading this makes me seem like some kinda lone wolf forever consigned to rove here and there. I guess it does sound a bit depressing, but I've had good times and I personally am not too bothered by it. Despite the transient state of my friendships I don't treat them as something trivial. However...this maybe the reason I've accumulated friends on facebook.

NEw FEATUre. YEAH!

2010-03-25T15:55:00.000-07:00

So. I'm so excited I discovered this feature last night on my microsoft word as I typed up my group's skit (which is, if nobody knew, going to be the best once again yay ya).

So to celebrate, I'm going to use it! yeah!

The other day, we played a game in Chinese class where we were given words, and we had to describe what the word was so the other person could guess what it was. Here's how our game went.

(the word I'm describing is 船 "ship")

M: 我從中國坐blank到這裡。

似雪：Uh...自行車？

M：No...

S：公共汽車？

M：No。。。

S：走路？

M：What? ...how can you walk from China to here?

S: OHhh... I thought you were saying "go from school to here"...

M: XD

(i think you can guess what word is being described)

S: *looks at her word* Choo choo!

M: 火車。

S：Yes!

M: X|

(the word is 南部 "south")

M: 東，北，西，blank....

S: *looks at her book* 船！

M：*facepalm*

S: ?

M: Ship?

S: *looks at her book again* Oh! 南部！

M：*head desk*

(the word ship was right next to word south....LOL)

Quote of the Week

2010-03-16T21:53:00.000-07:00

At a Chinese speech contest

"Steven, I'm so excited. I've never seen so many Asians in my life!" - Shalise

First thought through my mind, "Yes Shalise. You are from Utah".

EVERYBODY's GETTING ENGAGED.

2010-03-15T09:51:00.000-07:00

so. Park is engaged. I can't believe it. I mean, after all his single adventures and escapades. After all that's happened. This. This changes everything. I mean, I always thought that if I never ended up getting married we'd just move in together. Even though, in light of the Gospel, that could never be...it still seemed like a likely possibility. Celebrating bachelorhood forever. But no...

its like waking up one day to realize that you're not a boy anymore. Its like discovering you could smell like the man you want to be when you first used old spice. Its like that one episode of Hannah Montana last night when Miley moves back to Tennessee and Oliver goes on tour and they all split. Its like hearing Katie Moon got engaged. I mean. People that have been there for what seems like forever, all of a sudden, get married? What's up with that? Its....crazy.

I said it in my last post. See what I mean? See?! Yeah. Time to grab the closest girl and hang on tight.

Its That Time of Life

2010-03-12T23:58:00.000-08:00

I was talking to Mike the other day. Or was it Lyz? I can't remember. But anyways. I was talking when I realized when I would get married. Or at least, when I would start feeling the urge to get married. Because right now, I just feel pressure to date and get a girlfriend. And I'm dating, so that's no problem. But I'm not in the mindset yet to be married. Don't get me wrong. I'm looking forward to it. I'm preparing myself now in every way possible for the day to arrive. I'm organizing my finances, trying to return to a decent level of intelligence, getting healthier and more fit, taking more hobbies, learning to serve my sister, doing the spiritual needs daily, working harder. But I don't feel my time is yet soon.

However, I know when I will be more ready. When my guy friends start dropping like flies. AKA, getting married. And like how it is with many things, the signs of the times are already beginning to show. This year, an unprecedented amount of my friends are hooking up and tying the knot. Its crazy. Its like everyone just decided to at the same time. Its ridiculous. Its like there are new engagements every week. First one of my best friends, Katie, got hooked up, and then engaged. That put a dent in everything. Next, Dezzy became taken. Then I just felt stranded. Luke and Ash hooked up, Mike went on a dating stint, Park got hitched. Then Breanne's missionary came home, and now she's got a ring on it.

A bunch of my freshman year guy friends are now either in a relationship or married. Following that, a series of mission buddies tied the knot. The latest in this craze has been Heather and, just found out today, Becki.

As a result of all this, the average age of my friends has suddenly dropped by 2 years. Its no wonder I keep hanging out and dating sophomores and freshman. Everyone else gets married! Am I missing something here? I mean, the last girl I took on a date barely turned 18 four months ago. oh dang.

Those are the signs of the times my friend. And so, I know, when Mike and Luke are walking out of the temples with their eternal companions, and my next to closest buds are asking me to help with their engagements, I'll know its time. Then maybe I'll turn to my freshly turned 18 year old girlfriend and think, "let's do it to it".

Quote of the Week

2010-03-10T21:20:00.000-08:00

Quote of the Week.

“I remember the first blog I ever put up on myspace was, what I would do in the event of a zombie uprising. …because I lived across from Mount Pleasant cemetery, which is like the biggest cemetery in Toronto…and there’s like Presidents and like people who survived the Titanic. If you can survive the titanic, you’re gonna make a strong zombie. So I was like, there is lots of danger here, so I started thinking about what I would do. And uh, I planned an escape route, and sort of where I would go. I thought the CN Tower would be a nice place. CN Tower is like a very tall tower in Toronto. I can get up there, you can probably hole up with the food that they have until the zombies die off, and you can look out and just be like “ok, they’re dying down there”. And when they’re dead… “

- Lights

great minds think a like. everyone's gotta have a zombie evacuation plan!

Lights is sooo funny.

2010-03-06T08:25:00.001-08:00

how come the trials always seem to pile on all at around the same time? I handled some with ease, and thought I was clear, but....obviously not. Well, we'll see what happens.

Performed at the volleyball game last night. I think i did pretty well, except for the fact i was looking down a lot...on account of the fact that I think I would have been too nervous if I looked up at the audience. There were so many people there!! But it went great, I messed up a couple times, but overall, better than I feared. And the crowd got pretty into "Transform Ya" so that was awesome. It was a good growing experience. I don't even know if we won or not. lol.

So I reread Holland's talk "Remember Lot's Wife". The first time I heard it, I felt a renewal of energy to have more faith and to do better and to look forward to the future. This time reading it I realized there were some things I need to repent of.

He talked about how Lot's wife turned back to look at Sodom and Gomorrah after having been commanded not to. She was turned into a pillar of salt. So why such a severe consequence? I have always wondered that myself. Apparently, according to Holland, it wasn't just that she looked back, but looked back longingly, perhaps with some resentment toward God and doubting the future. Its interesting to note that Holland says, "faith is always pointed toward the future". It builds on the past but doesn't live there.

For us, its either not letting go of the past because of the good old days there and/or not letting go of past mistakes of both yourself and others. I realized I've done both, especially, very frequently, the first one. too often, when times get hard I say "well, maybe i can just go back to california. I had more friends there, more people who cared, family, and a sharper dating pool" and I start reminiscing of old times wishing for the past. I've done this probably from high school onwards. In my mind, the past starts to become better and better, or at least, better in my mind. but that is not faith. That's regret, and doubt, and fear. Once my faith is weakened, my hope goes, and I start going into a downward cycle of negative thoughts.

But why is looking into the past so bad? I believe because of two things, one, it represents doubt toward God which is the opposite of faith. Second, it opposes change, which, ironically, is both something we are joyed at (when we hear of people's conversions) and something we are horrified at (just change in general). "It stands in terrible opposition to the grandeur and majesty of the Atonement" (3). This applies to both fear of the future, and the refusal to forgive past mistakes. Once people have repented fully "It is NOT right to go back and open up some ancient wound that the Son of God Himself died trying to heal" (4).

God has so many blessings awaiting us, but we need to look with an eye of faith. When we don't we lose energy and time in unbelieving. We must "rise above the past" (4) or, in looking into the past all the time, we have not time to look out for others.

If you want to build faith, believe in God, and believe in the future. Believe the best is yet to be. of course, a large part of that is determined by your free agency to choose, to choose God, to choose the future. "That is a New Year's resolution [Holland asks] you to keep" (6).

I haven't even talked about half the stuff that is in this talk, it is just that good.

Sheng Ri

2010-02-27T18:04:00.000-08:00

So. It was an interesting set up leading up to yesterday. In Chinese class, we do skits. We used to do them every Friday, but we do them more rarely now thanks to some people in class who get their opinions heard more (not pointing any fingers though I doubt they know who they are). So Lyz texted me Thursday and told me a plan she had. Shalise's birthday was the next day, and she wanted me to surprise her with donuts at the very end of their skit.

So Christian and I went and got the donuts, then a card, and debated on how we should sneak them into class without her noticing. We thought they would be practicing their skit right outside of class so we decided to go around. However, Lyz had decided to lead Shalise out of the way to practice and we nearly ran into them trying to go around. We nearly defeated ourselves. Anyway, we hid the donuts under Rebecca's jacket and then snuck them into class. I wrote on the birthday card while I sat directly behind her. haha. at the end I came into their skit as the waiter, and brought out their "order", which turned out to be the donuts. we sang happy birthday and surprised her. She said she had no idea why Lyz wanted her to stay up in front of the class after they had finished performing their skit. haha. It was fun.

Anyway. That was not what I had intended to write. lol.

As I sat in the testing center today I was reading Ether 12 trying to get my daily fix of scripture as it is nearly my life source (if you want to know why I'm so happy nearly all the time, that's the secret) before I wasted away. Anyway, I got to Ether 4 and a thought came to me. Maybe this is why I'm so nice. The scripture says

"Wherefore, whoso believeth in God might with surety hope for a better world, yea, even a place at the right hand of God, which hope cometh of faith, maketh an anchor to the souls of men, which would make them sure and steadfast, always abounding in good works, being led to glofity God."

As strong as my optimism is, and as much as every comments on how nice I am, I think the hope in me resonates just as strongly. As much as I get depressed or start despairing there is something in me that never gives up despite the odds. I'm always holding on to hope. I'm not sure how strong my faith is, but i know when my hope starts to wane, my faith does to. In this light, my hope maybe one reason I'm stuck on doing good things for people. I mean, nobody knows how many times I've been shot down, rejected, or destroyed. And it hurts. Yeah, I can get sad too. For days, even for weeks. But I always bounce back.

2010-02-22T21:58:00.000-08:00

I feel like my blog is now being increasingly filled up with spiritual thoughts. I don't know if that's what I intend to do with this blog. But it's all good. Besides, its not like my life is all that amazing. I haven't had a date in 3 weeks, and I still don't know what I'm doing with that. I am the only one holding myself back, and I haven't quite figured out what I'm afraid of. I guess I should go back to looking for adventures huh? It hasn't been quite the same since freshman year. So I will go back to my adventure seeking.

As that's being done, I'll just share another spiritual thought.

"But behold, I say unto you, that you must study it out in your mind then you must ask me if it be right, and if it is right I will cause that your bosom shall burn within you; therefore, you shall feel that it is right. But if it be not right you shall have no such feelings, but you shall have a stupor of thought that shall cause you to forget the thing which is wrong; " Doctrine and Covenants 9:8-9

If we have a question, we need to ponder it in our minds, pick the choice, and then go forward. If it is not the right choice, God will not let you get too far in that direction if you keep your ears open, and your heart contrite. Often, we feel like we know what is best, and then follow our own choices hoping God "will consecrate thy performance unto" (2 Nephi 33:9) us. We should remember that it is by grace that anything happens, after all we can do (2 Nephi 25:23). If we want something to happen, we go and do it. We are free to act for ourselves and not be acted upon. If something is not how we exactly like it, it is not the world's duty to change for us (and it could hardly care). We CAN go out there and change things, and in the least, change our perspectives.

Of course we sometimes have to change and do things without having a perfect knowledge of things. But we can have faith in God that He does and, at appropriate times, will show unto us what He sees if we ask. "Therefore if ye have faith ye hope for things which are not seen, which are true" (Alma 32:21). Sometimes we are paralyzed by what the world might see of us, or what others might think of us. But seek first the kingdom of God, and everything else will fall into place. Even if others might misunderstand us, we need to try and only assume the best in others.

Remember this, God has the canny ability to make weak things become strong. If we have a weakness we can change, which is the beauty of the message and power of the Atonement. Moroni was scared that the Gentiles would mock the things the Nephites were writing and say they had poor writing skills, that their writings might be weak. But God said:

"if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them. " Ether 12:27

We all have weaknesses, but God said if men would humble themselves in their weakness and in reading the Book of Mormon, then he will reveal the strength of the book, and make the weak thing become strong (the book of mormon). However, it also means that if we have a weakness that God can turn that into a strength. And that is a pretty good miracle in itself. The only ingredient is that we have to choose to be humble and come unto Christ.

Future Wifey?

2010-02-17T23:14:00.000-08:00

So. everyone always remarks about how I will end up marrying a cute little chinese/asian wife someday. I find that interesting. Especially because in my 23 years of existence on this earth I don't ever remember dating a Chinese girl.... so... maybe I should get on that huh?

Anyhoo, Larissa reminded me that I did indeed post the lyrics to Lights' Quiet before. And now I post my response.

Response to “quiet”
January 5, 2010

Here we sit, uncomfortably,
What would you have me believe?
So will you stay or will you leave?
I guess the choice is ours.

The sun will set, eventually,
Indigo eternity,
On endless sea, with you and me,
But will we choose the stars?

Destiny is what we make it,
Choice is ours, so don’t delay it,
Fate is nice, but unrelated

So I’ll be choosing,

Charity is real forever,
You and I, should be together,
Night will come, as sure as ever

But I’ll be choosing, just you…
Just you…

Regretfully, you had to see,
Not the best side or part of me,
I offer my apologies
You caught me unprepared

You loved me, and I liked you,
But shining lights confused my view,
and though I grew, was still a youth,
To you it was unfair…

Destiny was what I made it,
Choice was mine, but I delayed it,
Path was clear, but I debated,

But who I’m choosing

Wish I could, punch a dial,
Turn back time, to stay awhile,
Change the past, or pass the trial

But who I’m choosing, is you

(I can wait a thousand hours,
Stay the same in sun and showers,
Pick apart a hundred flowers

Just to be quiet

Tell me when you feel ready,
I’m the one, there’s not too many,
Hold my hand to keep me steady

Just to be quiet

With you….

With you….)

2010-02-10T20:30:00.000-08:00

Foundation on Jesus Christ

February 10, 2010

Elder Neil A. Anderson told a story once of a woman who had returned from her mission, married the man of her dreams in the temple, and went on to have a happy family. However, one day out of the blue, and quite suddenly, her husband told her that he did not love her, and had never loved her, and wanted a divorce. Quite quickly, this woman’s world began to unravel. Her distress turned into sadness, and then depression, and closely after, suicidal tendencies. Everything she thought was perfect in life was beginning to fall apart. Everything she had dreamed of was slipping away like sand in her hands. She seemed desperate and on the verge of giving up. A while passed before Elder Anderson saw this woman again, but the next time he saw her she seemed happy. Puzzled by this, Elder Anderson confronted her and asked her what had happened. Had she reconciled her marriage? Had her husband apologized? Quite the contrary. The woman’s husband had indeed gone through with the divorce. And then the woman said something interesting. She explained that after her mission her life had gradually shifted away from being built on the foundation of Christ to having a foundation built on her family. When her family disintegrated, her foundation shattered. When her foundation was crippled, her whole world collapsed. Since then, she had rebuilt her foundation on Christ and was happy again.

Why am I relating this story? Is it to make you apprehensive about your future marriage? Is it to say that family is not important? No. I admire this woman. I admire this woman so much. Her story teaches a very fundamental principle, and that is, we need to build our foundation, indeed, our whole lives, around the Gospel and Atonement of Jesus Christ. Helaman taught this principle simply when he said to his sons,

“And now my sons, remember, remember that it is upon the rock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God, that ye must build your foundation; that when the devil shall send forth his mighty winds, yea, his shafts in the whirlwind, yea, when all his hail and his mighty storm shall beat upon you, it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo, because of the rock upon which ye are built, which is a sure foundation, a foundation whereon if men build they cannot fall.” Helaman 5:12

I am not saying family is a bad thing. What I am saying is that everything here is temporary. There are things beyond our control. There are things that can be taken from us. However, the one thing that will always stand the test of time, and always be there, is the Gospel and Jesus Christ Himself.

The testing of our foundation comes in the little trials we have in our lives. I would now like to speak quite simply and frankly. I admit, that life for me after the mission has not been easy. Things are not as I had planned upon returning. So many things in my life frustrate me. You guys know what I’m talking about. We have to worry about school, about careers, about finance, about the economy, and especially, here at BYU, about dating. There have been so many times when I’ve wanted to scream and become a hermit far away so I wouldn’t have to deal with the more sour things in life. There have been so many times when I’ve done the right thing, but for some reason or other, I have not received what I thought would be my blessings. There have been so many times when I’ve just wondered aloud, “Why? Why me?” or “Is there just something wrong with me?” There have been times when I’ve prayed so hard for something and it feels like God is silent. There have been wrongdoings, and sufferings, and some of those caused by the very people we thought would at least let us down gently. There have been times when I’ve seen the pain of my friends and pleaded with God to help them, or take their pain away, and many times it seems like nothing happens. In these moments, it is easy to sink into despair and wonder what this is all for and ask, is it worth it?

But let me tell you now. It is. It is worth everything we are fighting for. What we need to remember is this, that our foundation is on Jesus Christ, the One who will never fail us. In this aspect we can be strong knowing that “if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy, if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee” we know that “the Son of Man hath descended below them all”, that He has endured what we have endured, and that we are, ultimately, not alone. (D&C 122:7-8)

This was most clearly demonstrated to me on my mission. I taught a wonderful family whose husband was not a member. The wife was pregnant again and already had two previous miscarriages. She told us how she was so sure that this baby was going to go through and as my companion and I taught her we were also caught up in their joy and their hope. Then one day came the phone call, that the woman had had a miscarriage. I was shocked, then devastated, and finally, worried. I was scared that this latest setback would curb the husband’s faith and that they would no longer want to take the lessons from us. After all, how can God do this to them when they were doing the right thing and coming unto Christ?

Apprehensively, my companion and I went to the hospital to visit the lady and her husband. I sat there not knowing how best to comfort them. I had never had children, and had never experienced anything like this before. Gradually, I asked her how she was feeling. Her response was uplifting, and filled with faith that far outshone mine. She said something along the lines of, “I don’t know why God has done this. Perhaps there is a reason that we don’t know. I know I will see my child again, but I have not lost faith in God”. Her husband echoed the same sentiment. Amidst my own fear and lack of faith, this couple’s strength and foundation in Christ took them through this crisis. We sang “How Great Thou Art” together and I couldn’t help but cry because I realized both how strong they were and how weak I was.

I hope none of us will have to go through that experience or anything similar to that. But I have witnessed first hand the miracle of the Atonement, and how a strong foundation in Christ has carried people through crisis and trials in their life.

I know our own trials, while compared to this couple that I taught may be small, is of our own importance to us. We may say, “well that’s them, and this is me” or feel the seemingly more significant weight of our own challenges because it is more real to us. Everyone faces different trials. I just talked to a friend recently who told me she was unsure of what the future held for her career wise and that she may want to delay graduation to await the economy to get better.

We have suffered uncertainty, and certainly heartbreaks. I think we go through this the most as college students. I know I do. The agony of searching for dates, and getting rejected, and being considered unwanted is sometimes too much for me to handle. I often say, “I want to do what’s right. Its not like I want to kill someone. I just want to marry and move forward. How come this is so difficult?” In times like these I think its wise to take a step back and remember what Jesus said.

“Lay not for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal.: but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal: For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.” (Matthew 6:19-21)

In our search for someone, we need to remember that our goal is heaven and not just to get married. If our ultimate objective, our treasure, is the celestial kingdom, no one can rob us of that goal. And if that is our goal, our hearts will be there where no one can corrupt, or rust, or most importantly right now, break.

And finally, one last thing about pressing forward with that foundation in Christ.

When things seem unbearable, and our world crashes, we should remember not to get too careless into thinking just about ourselves. I think this is best illustrated with a poem I found in the New Era on my mission and it is one of my favorites.

When the end of the day is just ahead,
And there’s still not time for you,
Just remember these four words:
Somebody had it harder.

When the night is cold and the air is still,
Your only friend’s the silent moon,
Just repeat: “Be not afraid.”
Somebody had it harder.

When you’ve run away to find yourself,
And all you have to show is a tired body,
Someone ran just as far;
Somebody had it harder.

He bled and sighed as they raised Him high;
For our sins He was a martyr.
No one who has ever lived
Has had it any harder.

Frank Preston, “Somebody Had It Harder,” New Era, Nov 2003, 33

I know that God lives because of the love I have felt and the prayers He has answered. I know that even if friends betray us, family fall away, and there is “change and decay in all around I see” (Abide With Me, Hymn 166), there is my Redeemer who knows what I am going through, and who knows what you are going through. He is the one who changes not. I pray that He will abide with you as He has with me.

Still Me

2010-02-08T22:16:00.000-08:00

So I realized something. After being battered and worn, I realize that in many ways, I have not improved all that much from last year. The reason why I feel like I've gotten better is because the challenges this year are different, and that I have had a bit less drama this year.

However, I realize that I still possess so many of the same weaknesses as last year. I am still the same person who makes stupid mistakes and lets pride get in the way.

Today it just wore me out, and too many events went awry because of my own actions. I think I have some repenting to do. Its been a while since I've felt Godly sorrow, felt the disappointment of Heavenly Father, and felt despair. Its not depression. But despair from realizing you willingly did something wrong and that you now see the consequences of how wickedness never was happiness. You feel desperate to regain the appropriate footing with the Spirit and to be in good standing with God. Its like the miserable feeling you get when you realized you disappointed your parents in a way you didn't imagine, but worst of all, that sinking feeling you get because you had initially done it intentionally yet hadn't realized the disastrous consequences.

Its been a humbling experience, with opportunity to step up again. I think I may also have confused someone in the process and damaged a friendship. Here's to climbing the road back to appropriate footing.

Big Fear

2010-02-05T21:50:00.001-08:00

One of my greatest fears is this: to marry a girl who might lose her faith in the Gospel and lose the light of Christ. OR, be inactive in spiritual progression. OR, be unaware of spiritual things.

I think that is one of my greatest fears because you can never know just by looking at someone. You can't even know after dating for a while and even for a few years. You can predict how strong they can be, but losing a testimony can happen to anyone at the most surprising times.

I remember there were times on my mission where I'd talk to anti-Mormons, or atheists, or philosophers, and, yes, I felt the Spirit withdraw during those times when those meetings were prolonged. At first I couldn't understand the empty feeling I was getting, and later realized it was the withdrawal of the Holy Spirit.

When those times happened I would be able to look at my companion and think, "THANK GOODNESS, I am not doing this alone" and I would thank God tremendously. After one particularly discouraging meeting I turned and said to my companion, "I am so thankful you also believe the Gospel to be true" and we just sat there in the car, feeling the confirmation of the Spirit as it bore witness to us that we both did indeed know and it strengthened our companionship. That feeling was an indescribable feeling of gratitude and the relieving of stress was incredible. When you feel the most alone in the world, and realize how real the war is, its nice to know there is someone standing beside you, fighting as hard as they can for you too.

I know there will be times where my own foundation in Christ will be shaken, my testimony battered, my spirit crushed. It is during those times where I'd love to be able to turn to my wife and say, "I'm thankful you also believe the Gospel to be true" and know that she knows. Then the Spirit will bear witness again, strengthening our faith to continue our battles another day.

a moment from Chinese class

2010-02-02T21:01:00.000-08:00

Shalise: How do you think she makes those (soy sauce eggs)? I bet she cooks them until the shell comes off!

Me: Shalise. I know where they come from. They come from soy sauce chickens.

Shalise: False.

Rachel: No. What you do is feed them soy sauce. Yeah.

Christian: Yeah. Haven't you ever heard of soy sauce chickens?

Me: C'mon. see. we all know

Christian: Have you ever grown chickens?

Shalise: No...

Me: I haven't. But I've eaten a lot.

hahaha.

Me: hey Shalise, what's the answer to number one?

Shalise: I'm not going to help you.

*teacher passing by handing out the quiz*

Me: c'mon shalise, I helped you cheat on the last test.

haha

Integration and Dreams

2010-01-31T17:57:00.000-08:00

so. I know that no one is perfect, but when I look at someone I don't necessarily pick them apart. I just look at their good traits, and try to absorb them into myself, especially from people I admire.

anyway. I have had some crazy dreams. Ok, that's an understatement. I have crazy dreams every night. And I remember them. If I want to.

For example. I dreamed I was led by this clay looking creature named Gat to the land of Gao, which was a hand drawn, brown hued place. Something happened prior to this that led to this. But anyway, I was a cellphone. Yeah....a cell phone. And I could shoot lasers. My friend was a rock, or some other inanimate object, and this teenage girl was trying to destroy us. Meanwhile, my brother was a water-strider car that was driving too fast. Yeah...

I had another dream where this girl was being mocked and ridiculed by people, and even by my friends. I took her aside and tried to comfort her, and in that moment I felt everything that she felt and truly understood her pain and suffering. Weird huh? But yeah...we both cried. I hate crying.

And then just today, I had a dream that this one tall, gangly guy tried to hold my hands. I was sincerely freaked out. I don't have anything against gays. But I am not. So.

...wow. why do these happen to me? haha

Another marriage thought

2010-01-29T10:16:00.001-08:00

sorry for all these marriage stuff, but taking marriage prep and having to read talk after talk on marriage doesn't help! And it doesn't help that I read into the talks and analyze them. XD

I am getting more and more an impression of what a covenant marriage is. It is not, as I previously thought, just a contract. It is a covenant between God, man, and woman. The relationship to God was not known to me before. I knew He was in it, but I did not realize that because God is in that celestial marriage it means that everything a couple does has to include God. It is literally like having two companions, your wife/husband, and God. When we think about where we should live, what we should do, what job we should pick, how to arrange finances, to continue schooling, and to raise kids, we don't just consult our wife/husband, we ask God what He thinks about it. To enter into a temple marriage, is to enter into the highest and most sacred relationship, because you are now, for the first time, in a COMPLETE relationship to another human being, and to God. Your baptismal covenants move you toward that, but the crowning endowments, a Godly (not just enjoyable, or fun, or good, or pleasurable) marriage is a complete sacrifice of self to God and your partner. When you violate temple marriage covenants, you cheat on your spouse, and you cheat on God. I'm not talking about just sinning and asking forgiveness. Its having given yourself to God, and then running away.

Thinking about the relationship of the Jesus to the Groom, or to the Church, you see how Jesus gave EVERYTHING He had to the groom. His Atonement was infinite and ultimately complete. He did not hold back anything.

Adam and Eve were married in the Garden of Eden. They would have been married forever, but death came into the picture and would have torn that marriage apart had God not married them for time and eternity sealing Adam and Eve to each other, and then sealing them both to Himself.

So we see that the very definition of marriage is sacred. And even more so, a temple marriage is sacred.

The most likely way a marriage will succeed is if it based on the Gospel of Jesus Christ. The gospel gives it strength and foundation. Christ and the Atonement gives marriage a power that will outlast everything, bonding a couple together stronger than ANY force on Earth (Jeffrey R. Holland "However Long and Hard the Road"). The power and the priesthood makes sure of that. However, our own keeping of the covenants is what will determine the quality of the marriage. You need the covenants, and the priesthood together to cement it.

Anyway, I think I actually wrote something other than what I was trying to say, and that I've written so much I think I'll stop now. haha

3 Thoughts

2010-01-26T16:38:00.000-08:00

1. Finding a wife is, excuse the blatant comparison but go with me here, liking choosing stocks in the stock market. You want to diversify and not put all your eggs in one basket. You need to look past everything initially, be careful, but also not be paralyzed by analyzation or nothing will get done. If you put all your eggs into one basket, you risk losing EVERYTHING. The prophets and apostles have counseled us to date around and to meet many people, but to ultimately come to a decision.

But the biggest similarity is that you pick both for the long term. You're not investing in a quick bond you can cash in in 5 or even 10 years. Likewise, you don't get married to bail out in 5 or 10 years. When you choose stock, you're in it for the long haul, the long run, and for Mormons, eternity. So you want to choose someone that will give you a good return, a good investment worth your time. A bad investment will lead to loss.

The problem is, there are many stocks that are attractive initially. They woo you with their awesome business plans, statements, balance sheets, rate of returns, and other fancy gimmicks. They tell you about their amazing upside, how they'll make profit soon, and other amazing details. However, you have to do digging of your own. You have to look past the outside appearance of things. Remember, for stocks, the higher rate of return, the riskier the investment. They attract you to invest by giving a higher rate of return. If you only go for a girl because she's pretty on the outside, will that last over the long run? Is there more underneath? I thought about what Elder Ballard said about not worrying too much about the physical as much as the eternal worth of things.

2. I have a desire to be the best. At everything. Sometimes the motivation is not there. But I'm working on it. Its interesting that I feel that I could be a better missionary now, 18 months removed from the mission, than I was back during the mission. I think it means I'm learning and still progressing. I can see how I could have improved in all areas. Physically I feel like I'm improving also, and it will be about 5 more years before I hit prime, and about 7 years before I see decline.

3. My happiness depends on one thing. The power and reality of the Atonement. Since it happened, and it is real, nothing then can get me down since the Atonement is eternal and infinite. This means that the one thing my happiness depends on will never fail, never fade, and never falter.

happiness = depends on atonement

atonement = everlasting

happiness = everlasting.

Marriage Prep

2010-01-24T21:34:00.000-08:00

So. I don't know exactly why I'm taking marriage prep. Oh wait. I do know. To fulfill the religious credit requirements and to have more credits so that I A) won't be bored, and B) will have a challenge this semester.

For the last few days I've been enjoying it. The teacher makes marriage and parenthood sound so exciting, and the talks and scriptures I've read have gravitated me towards it. However, I've also come to realize the horrid dread that perhaps I will never be able to live up to the standards of marriage that the apostles and prophets are advocating. I honestly feel a little overwhelmed.

such as this line

"His choice of occupation, his social life, his friends, his every interested must now be considered in the light that he is only part of a family, that the totalness of the group must be considered". - Spencer W. Kimball. 1976 devotional.

Spencer W. Kimball has always been straightforward. And that devotional is super straightforward. It talks about finding traits of your spouse's character that you never realized were there, complete unselfishness and forgetting the self, working towards perfection always, the disappearance of virtues that were magnified in courtship, and other things.

The unselfishness and individual freedoms sacrificed isn't exactly what scares me. Its the inadequacy of living up to that that does.

Of course, there are two things gunning for me in this case.

1. I've served a mission. I find myself compatible with nearly every kind of personality. I know that a companionship takes work because I've done it. I've been in 15+ different companionships. I know what it takes to make it work, I know and have experienced the sacrifice required, and I did this with people I did not choose. Needless to say, the mission was amazing. So I'm guessing marriage will be like that.

2. i'm naturally an unselfish person. I've always put the needs of others before mine, sometimes to a fault. And now living with my sister, I've grown more in both serving her, and taking care of things. My own needs are often sacrificed, and I've been doing it for years.

The fact that I'm still scared just means I still have weak faith. So in the mean time I suppose Heavenly Father will continue to mold me.

Press Forward Saints

2010-01-21T20:58:00.000-08:00

Life has been bumpy recently. It always takes me a few weeks before I readjust. This is the time when things all seem to rush at once, weaknesses are exposed, and opportunities failed, and when I usually feel the most worthless. It doesn't help that on Tuesdays and Thursdays I am utterly tired from exhaustion from lack of sleep and hunger ( I don't have time to eat cuz I'm at school by 9 am and don't get a real break until 5 pm).

The last week has been a huge slump. Aside from the fact that school work continues to way me down, other things are going crazy.

To tell the truth, its just been a really hard semester so far. Sometimes I wonder why life has to be so hard. And I wonder why I have to go through this. Then I remember things like how awful the devastation is in Haiti. I remember my blessings. I still have so much.

At the same time, its hard to relate to that kind of disaster. It seems so distant. My own life seems like such a difficult trial in itself. Its time like these that its good to know that God lives. And to know that I know. That He loves me. For all my craziness. For all my imperfections. Its ok. It doesn't help that I feel like a failure at so many parts to life. But then I remember to press forward. To keep going. Everything will be all right. It always is.

We signed up for this in the pre-mortal realm. We wanted to come down here. We knew it was going to be hard. I can't be a pansy now.

I think the uplifting song that suits the moment is How Firm a Foundation. especially:

Fear not, I am with thee, oh be not dismayed,

for I am thy God, and will still give thee aid.

I'll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause to thee to stand.

upheld by my righteous, upheld by my righteous,

upheld by my righteous, omnipotent hand.

The soul that on Jesus, hath leaned for repose,

I will not, I cannot desert to His foes,

that soul, though all hell, should endeavor to shake.

I'll never, no never, i'll never, no never,

I'll never, no never, forsake.

texting madness

2010-01-18T22:42:00.000-08:00

Oct - Nov. 2800 texts

nov. - dec. 2810 (with 5 days off for losing my phone)

Dec. - Jan. 2940 (with 2 weeks off for christmas break)

Jan. - 5 days in, 496 texts so far... dang... this is crazy for me.