nothing

nothing is so lonely as standing in the middle of a parking lot, looking up at the night sky, and realizing you are utterly, completely alone. No one is in your head. No one is by your side. No one is seeing what you're seeing at that exact moment in that exact place.

And yet, nothing is so profound as to look up into that same night sky and realize that there is a Being out there who is watching you, guiding you, and planning for you. And that you have a Friend walking next to you and who feels for you.

been awhile

anndddddd too many things have happened. I feel like this is where i can find solace. jhaha

Cactus for a Friend

I never meant to hurt you,
It never was my plan,
Don’t think I would desert you
If this was in my hands
But sometimes life throws things at us that we cannot foresee
And that is what has happened here now between you and me
But I hope that you will understand
there’s a place where we can still be friends
if by chance our paths do cross again
We will see some friendships never end.


So if we ever happen
To start to grow apart
And distance becomes more than
Just physically far
If we grow up and find ourselves changing from where we are,
then maybe we can go our ways and mutually depart
But I hope that we can understand
There’s a place where we can still be friends,
And if by chance life helps our paths to cross again
You will see some friendships never change.

So wipe the mark of sadness from my face,
show me that your love will never change.
And if my yesterday is a disgrace
tell me that you still recall my name

you be me

Written for a dear friend of mine,. *sigh*

Please just hear lend me your ear
How in the world did we end up here?
It’s been 4 months much less a year
But it feels like more
with the sweat and tears
Used to be we were close and near
What’s this growing distance I fear?
I wish all our problems were laid and clear
But I guess life is more like broken mirrors dear
I don’t know what goes on inside your head
Even more confused after the things you’ve said,
I won’t guess, cuz all that stress from guessing
Would leave me tired and brain dead
It doesn’t mean I haven’t tried
But I won’t lie when I say I
Have no idea how or why
We see some things from such different eyes.
Apparently the way we see has led to all this hostility
And I know most of the problem lies with me
Maybe this was never meant to be.
Never meant to be…
Never meant to be free and easy,
webs are concrete til the wind starts to get breezy.

it wasn't until i read my journal today did I realize that I owe a ton to LightsArmy.

I think we forget that the advice to "forget yourself and go to work" applies to something outside the mission. When you're down, get to work. Whether this means exercise, job, school, or service, get to work. Forget about yourself. The world is too big. i'm not saying forget about your feelings, bury them deep inside, and make yoursel resentful. There is a time and place to confide those feelings in God and others. But we must not be too careless that we become ungrateful.

That's what I need to do. Get back to work. LightsArmy has been great. But it might be a little too much for me to handle right now.

Spring Term

So. My parents came up, got my brother and sister, and have returned home now. I never realized how much I enjoy their company. I woke up this morning to an empty house and it was then I realized how much I do love them. Even though they may be crazy sometimes I miss them now and I wish I could have been a better older brother. I could have done so much more.

Spring term is gonna be really different now. For the first time I will not have any roommates or people I live with. i thought I'd be ok but I realized that with all the recent turmoil this might be harder than I thought.

Anyway, I'm changing my diet for Spring. No more fast food (at least, no more than once a week), no more soda, and cutting back on sweets. Gonna beef up on vegetables (haha interesting juxtaposition there), fruits, and fiber. I don't know how much time I'd have to exercise but I want to eat healthier and cut back on all the fat that I've gathered this past year.

Elusive

i'm starting to realize how elusive friendship can be. or maybe it's not that. Maybe it's like what Lights said, that "seems like the more you grow the more time you spend alone, and before you know it you end up perfectly alone". It's been a long time since I've had to listen to "Face Up". Life is hard.

Letter

Sometimes I wish you never left. Or at least told us completely what the reason was for why you abandoned us. And that's what it felt like. And it hurt even more to not know how to stop you from doing it. It was, in all honesty, utterly the most selfish thing you could have done, yet having been in your position I also completely understand that I don't completely understand, and that at a certain point you just don't want to care anymore.

It's weird that you were the one person that I could talk to. More understanding than Mel, more in tune than Hannah, and even more so than Brianne at this moment. Especially at this moment. And these are the nights I miss you the most, when one feels like an island amidst friends and you just want to talk.

You're always in my thoughts and prayers. Wherever you are now I hope God is watching you because I no longer can't.