Light

Light attracts light.

Back in the Act

Leaving California is so bittersweet. UGH. I love everyone back home. So many things I feel I have not yet accomplished. So many new friends JUST made. So many friendships so fragile. Dates that have not been gone on yet. Why do I always seem to be on the brink of a breakthrough whenever I have to go back to BYU? This must be some kind of torture. Some kind of game.

The Cali ward seems so fun, close knit, united, and like a family. I guess I shouldn't forget everything I've gained at BYU either.

But then, aren't I always this way? I'm always leaving, always moving, always changing.

I say bring it on. Let's do it to it. Let's rock the campus. And who knows, some Cali kids could be joining me soon. haha.

And in 8 months time I will loathe going back to Cali, thinking there's nothing for me there (specifically, no one). How wrong I am everytime. :)

This Time Last Year

Found a journal entry from August 30th, 2008. Thought it was funny. Its about adjusting back to life after the mission. HAHA

"My life to normalcy was considerably sped up by Brother David Watts, and Professor Torrey Dickinson, founders of the '3 Week Accelerated Program' designed to help returning missionaries adjust back to life. Thank goodness for them taking me into their wing and showing me the ropes. David showed me how to waste time, and Torrey showed me how to reverse some of my mindset, haha. I'm not going to lie, they did help me a lot. After 2 weeks break I came back to raise my poor grades of a C-, and B.

Let's just say, it's harder than it looks and passing with flying colors wasn't the exact term for my grades. The hardest thing was [not] not feeling weird when girls touched [me], but what to do back [after they did]. I found myself in many a circumstance of just smiling this awkward smile. Then again, that's me. That's why I had a C-.

They taught me how to stay up late, sleep in, lounge around, approach girls, set up dates, and even watch movies. In the course of that time I also was alone without a companion, watched TV, swam in a pool, played video and computer games, entered Wal-Mart post-mish, approached girls, and many other firsts. It was a time of freakish- no bars hold, fun. However, even Watts and Dickinson couldn't teach me everything.

Enter Miss Desiree Gahr, fresh graduate out of high school, only seventeen, and ready to take on the world. An educator and psychologist on the subject of women. There came a point where Torry admitted they could go no further. In the short time I was Miss Gahr's pupil I learned a lot. Not enough to know everything, oh no. Definitely not. Not even enough to take on the world. But I did gain a few pointers. "

Women in the Church

"Women do have power in the Church! That power comes from knowing who they are and what they must do. That power comes from a provided anchor and direction in life. How can others say our women are enslaved, when they are themselves enslaved in addictions, confusion, lack of direction, and unhappiness? They are better than those who drink and party and don't know what they are doing, but catering to lusts, passions, and instincts and become nothing more than the sum of those feelings. That's not freedom or power! That's regression and imprisonment!"

When I hear the girls in the ward answer questions and bear testimony it always touches my heart to feel how strong they are. People think that the women in our Church are tied down by traditions and fashions of the past. But its not true. By fulfilling what God wants them to do, they become more self-aware, more confident, and thus they become stronger. Who says they aren't smart, or independent, or self-motivated? There is a drastic difference in aura between a girl who has the love of God and sharing that love, and a girl who indulges in the worldly things.

Drive My Soul

So. Dez is a lot spiritually deeper than I thought, not that I'm a spiritual giant or anything. I was reading through a mission journal at an entry that was written near my 18 month mark that was quite deep in thought. I'd like to think that I was growing throughout my entire mission spiritually, so that by 18 months, I was a lot better than where I was at 2 months or even 16 months.
Anyway, I was reading and then out of nowhere, I read a line that struck me quite significantly because I immediately thought of Dezzy. The line matched nearly word for word, something that Dezzy had said when we were discussing marriage and love. Wow. You go girl. And also, the Holy Spirit is really amazing.



and for some reason, this song is playing in my head....and now its playing on iTunes. :)

Drive My Soul Lyrics

Seems somebody put out the moon
Now the road is a minefield
I can't follow the way she moves
I can't see past the shadows
You make the darkness disappear
I feel found when you stay near
I know where I am when you are here
My way becomes so clear

When you are gone
Will I lose control?
You are the only road I know
You show me where to go
Who will drive my soul?

Seems somebody burned out the signs
I can't expect the hard curves
There is no borders
There are no lines
How can I know where to turn?
You make the street lights reappear
I feel bright when you stand near
I know what I am when you are here
My place becomes so clear

When you are gone
Will I lose control?
You're the only road I know
You show me where to go
Who will drive me soul?

Will I lose control?
You're the only road that I know
You show me where to go
Who will drive my soul?
Drive my soul

When you're gone
Will I lose control?
You're the only road I know
You show me where to go
When you're gone
Will I lose control?
You're the only road I know
You show me where to go
Who will drive my soul?

Thou Knowest

wrote this verse during one of the toughest stretches of my entire mission.

typed February 10, 2009

originally written December 17^th, 2007

Thou Knowest

Thou knows my heartaches,
and my weaknesses.
Strengthen my spirit,
lift me from abyss!
Thou knows my trials,
all my wants and needs,
My King, my closest friend,
abide with me!


and yeah, it does go with the hymn Abide With Me

Pioneers and Procrastination

You see. I'm not stupid. I know the tactics people use whether to gain friends, or to draw a girl or guy closer to them. I know the tricks. I know the unconscious and subconscious strategies people use. I'm not intuitive enough or charming enough to even come remotely close to understanding girls, but I understand, to a degree, human wants and needs.

Besides. You know who is the master at these little games? 18 year old Dezzy (of course, her certain advantages allow her too much leeway). Who was trained by her, as her student? Me.

So when this girl I barely knew and just met started talking to me about guys out of nowhere I knew what she was trying to do.

Anyway, I'm not stupid though I'm not smart either. I'm intelligent. There's a difference to me. I can think two or three steps ahead. I can see how things will turn out. I can see what needs to be done. I'm confident that if I was thrown into a combat situation I would die just like any other soldier, but I can bet I'd take a few more people down with me.

The thing is, I lack the aggressiveness to get anything done. Yeah. Procrastination haunts me like any other human being. And even when I can see what needs to be done, sometimes I don't. And even when I can see the danger, sometimes I don't avoid it. That's where I am definitely not smart.

Of course, God hates an idle person. When the pioneers settled at Winter Quarters, and Pueblo, did they just wait it out for spring to come making make shift tents and crude shelter? No. They built full on houses and school houses, knowing fully well that they would just leave them when spring came. Why?

Especially the Mississippi/Pueblo saints. No one was coming behind them. They didn't have to think, "Well, we built it so that the Saints coming in behind us would have it nicer than us".

Was it out of gratitude? Was it because of the old habit "leave it better than when you found it"? Was it to "be prepared"? Was it because Saints are just naturally hard workers? Are you not a hard worker until you work hard even when working hard is not necessary? as Alyssa so thoughtfully pondered.

Why did the Pioneers and Saints give their max even when they knew that they were just going to abandon their towns come spring?

or, on a more personal level

Why work hard and give your maximum when you're just going to leave it all behind?

Et Si Omnes, Ego Non

so the YSA conference was awesome. Loved it. It felt like BYU Freshman Academy NSO all over again. So many singles, so much food, so many cute girls. haha.

From the speed dating portion of it I realized my conversation skills are still very lacking. I danced with the one girl I was slightly interested in and totally blew it because I was nervous and went blank...then started asking the lamest questions...haha. oh well. That's ok. I'll probably never see her again. My breakdancing also needs extreme work....

Met a lot of new friends and strengthened some current ones. Saw Kris Admundsen (from Deseret Towers, R3), Ana Morales (from the mission), Amy (from Provo, a ward missionary when I was a missionary), and Lara (from when I worked at the cougar express). The randomest coincidences huh? haha. Nearly all the people I met go to BYU, either Idaho, or Provo. Paige, Whitney (actually, she already graduated), Carly, Melissa, Ashley, and the list goes on and on. Carazy! I mean, if school was in session half the people wouldn't even be there!


Of course, the best BEST aspect were the talks, workshops, and testimonies. I was able to receive inspiration and revelation as well as remembering a lot of things. One of the best talks was by a stake president that talked about how we acted towards girls, and the second portion of the talk focused on not delaying marriage or dating. He was forceful and serious. hahaha. interesante. The talks by Elder Clayton and Elder Perry were good too.

I never really felt that unity with the other California singles until after the conference...now. but now that its over, now that the leaders have accomplished this amazing feat, now that we've actually done it and it succeeded, I feel unified by this sense of spirituaity and success.

We exceeded ALL goals. We wanted 10,o00 singles registered, we got 11,000+. We aimed for 10,000 temple ordinances in three months. We surpassed it, and beat their new goal of 30,000 before they even announced it. Then they challenged us to go for 50,000. As of Saturday morning, the total was 69,000+. Nice.

It was so good. I love all the singles and leaders. haha

Now.

Why wait to grow up for any influence in the world? Do something now.


Facebook is useless in so many ways. What does it serve me? Nothing really. Only to connect with friends or to see pictures. Networking I can do. Friends. Yes. Relationships. Yeah. Public Affairs, not sure, but probably. Its a social web of connections.

Now if someone really wants to know what I'm up to, Twitter is good. Facebook status updating is pointless.

I'm tired of people who like to get their own attention and are superficial. Who cares? Some people need to realize their actions have repurcussions. I'm closing channels to people who are users.

The world is my campus. I plan to make something of it.

Nawiat

So. I really do like Taiwan. I can't believe its almost over....and can't believe summer is almost over! I think I have come to appreciate Taiwan so much more. I really want to come back here, and have even more of a desire to return back... (except if I become a citizen I will have to do military service...hahaha). But I really want to teach english here now. Compared to Anaheim, Taipei makes Anahiem feel like Montana. There is so much to do here, so much to eat, so many things happening. I've become accustomed to the city feel and the faster pace of life. I can't really explain why I like it....maybe its the people and how they are like "my" people. Maybe its the frinedliness of everybody. Maybe its the culture. Maybe its everything! We really did get to see all the parts of Taiwan, the beach, the water parks, the amusement parks, the national parks, the city, the country, gravesites, old school buildings and architexture, everything. gosh i love it here

I have come to appreciate my heritage, the culture, the food, and, haha, very much, the girls here. I've gained a fondness for all the above.

Anyway. Going back to Cali won't be so bad. It'll be back to old friends, familiar places. There won't be that feeling of protection from friends, or people wanting to hang out with you as much. There won't be the fast pace-ness, the food, or the excitement. But I would like some of the advantages of Cali.

Then after that it's back to BYU. Should be fun. I'm looking forward to that. Not so much after the Nauvoo and this Taiwan experience. But I know once I get back there I'll settle in rather comfortably. It'll be like a new year at Hogwarts. The Trio will be reunited, friends will be coming off their missions, and there will be new faces and a new "supporting cast". And i'll be running around trying to meet all the Asian, and especially, the Taiwan, kids. haha.