Integration and Dreams

so. I know that no one is perfect, but when I look at someone I don't necessarily pick them apart. I just look at their good traits, and try to absorb them into myself, especially from people I admire.

anyway. I have had some crazy dreams. Ok, that's an understatement. I have crazy dreams every night. And I remember them. If I want to.

For example. I dreamed I was led by this clay looking creature named Gat to the land of Gao, which was a hand drawn, brown hued place. Something happened prior to this that led to this. But anyway, I was a cellphone. Yeah....a cell phone. And I could shoot lasers. My friend was a rock, or some other inanimate object, and this teenage girl was trying to destroy us. Meanwhile, my brother was a water-strider car that was driving too fast. Yeah...

I had another dream where this girl was being mocked and ridiculed by people, and even by my friends. I took her aside and tried to comfort her, and in that moment I felt everything that she felt and truly understood her pain and suffering. Weird huh? But yeah...we both cried. I hate crying.

And then just today, I had a dream that this one tall, gangly guy tried to hold my hands. I was sincerely freaked out. I don't have anything against gays. But I am not. So.

...wow. why do these happen to me? haha

Another marriage thought

sorry for all these marriage stuff, but taking marriage prep and having to read talk after talk on marriage doesn't help! And it doesn't help that I read into the talks and analyze them. XD

I am getting more and more an impression of what a covenant marriage is. It is not, as I previously thought, just a contract. It is a covenant between God, man, and woman. The relationship to God was not known to me before. I knew He was in it, but I did not realize that because God is in that celestial marriage it means that everything a couple does has to include God. It is literally like having two companions, your wife/husband, and God. When we think about where we should live, what we should do, what job we should pick, how to arrange finances, to continue schooling, and to raise kids, we don't just consult our wife/husband, we ask God what He thinks about it. To enter into a temple marriage, is to enter into the highest and most sacred relationship, because you are now, for the first time, in a COMPLETE relationship to another human being, and to God. Your baptismal covenants move you toward that, but the crowning endowments, a Godly (not just enjoyable, or fun, or good, or pleasurable) marriage is a complete sacrifice of self to God and your partner. When you violate temple marriage covenants, you cheat on your spouse, and you cheat on God. I'm not talking about just sinning and asking forgiveness. Its having given yourself to God, and then running away.

Thinking about the relationship of the Jesus to the Groom, or to the Church, you see how Jesus gave EVERYTHING He had to the groom. His Atonement was infinite and ultimately complete. He did not hold back anything.

Adam and Eve were married in the Garden of Eden. They would have been married forever, but death came into the picture and would have torn that marriage apart had God not married them for time and eternity sealing Adam and Eve to each other, and then sealing them both to Himself.

So we see that the very definition of marriage is sacred. And even more so, a temple marriage is sacred.

The most likely way a marriage will succeed is if it based on the Gospel of Jesus Christ. The gospel gives it strength and foundation. Christ and the Atonement gives marriage a power that will outlast everything, bonding a couple together stronger than ANY force on Earth (Jeffrey R. Holland "However Long and Hard the Road"). The power and the priesthood makes sure of that. However, our own keeping of the covenants is what will determine the quality of the marriage. You need the covenants, and the priesthood together to cement it.

Anyway, I think I actually wrote something other than what I was trying to say, and that I've written so much I think I'll stop now. haha

3 Thoughts

1. Finding a wife is, excuse the blatant comparison but go with me here, liking choosing stocks in the stock market. You want to diversify and not put all your eggs in one basket. You need to look past everything initially, be careful, but also not be paralyzed by analyzation or nothing will get done. If you put all your eggs into one basket, you risk losing EVERYTHING. The prophets and apostles have counseled us to date around and to meet many people, but to ultimately come to a decision.

But the biggest similarity is that you pick both for the long term. You're not investing in a quick bond you can cash in in 5 or even 10 years. Likewise, you don't get married to bail out in 5 or 10 years. When you choose stock, you're in it for the long haul, the long run, and for Mormons, eternity. So you want to choose someone that will give you a good return, a good investment worth your time. A bad investment will lead to loss.

The problem is, there are many stocks that are attractive initially. They woo you with their awesome business plans, statements, balance sheets, rate of returns, and other fancy gimmicks. They tell you about their amazing upside, how they'll make profit soon, and other amazing details. However, you have to do digging of your own. You have to look past the outside appearance of things. Remember, for stocks, the higher rate of return, the riskier the investment. They attract you to invest by giving a higher rate of return. If you only go for a girl because she's pretty on the outside, will that last over the long run? Is there more underneath? I thought about what Elder Ballard said about not worrying too much about the physical as much as the eternal worth of things.

2. I have a desire to be the best. At everything. Sometimes the motivation is not there. But I'm working on it. Its interesting that I feel that I could be a better missionary now, 18 months removed from the mission, than I was back during the mission. I think it means I'm learning and still progressing. I can see how I could have improved in all areas. Physically I feel like I'm improving also, and it will be about 5 more years before I hit prime, and about 7 years before I see decline.

3. My happiness depends on one thing. The power and reality of the Atonement. Since it happened, and it is real, nothing then can get me down since the Atonement is eternal and infinite. This means that the one thing my happiness depends on will never fail, never fade, and never falter.

happiness = depends on atonement

atonement = everlasting

happiness = everlasting.

:)

Marriage Prep

So. I don't know exactly why I'm taking marriage prep. Oh wait. I do know. To fulfill the religious credit requirements and to have more credits so that I A) won't be bored, and B) will have a challenge this semester.

For the last few days I've been enjoying it. The teacher makes marriage and parenthood sound so exciting, and the talks and scriptures I've read have gravitated me towards it. However, I've also come to realize the horrid dread that perhaps I will never be able to live up to the standards of marriage that the apostles and prophets are advocating. I honestly feel a little overwhelmed.

such as this line

"His choice of occupation, his social life, his friends, his every interested must now be considered in the light that he is only part of a family, that the totalness of the group must be considered". - Spencer W. Kimball. 1976 devotional.

Spencer W. Kimball has always been straightforward. And that devotional is super straightforward. It talks about finding traits of your spouse's character that you never realized were there, complete unselfishness and forgetting the self, working towards perfection always, the disappearance of virtues that were magnified in courtship, and other things.

The unselfishness and individual freedoms sacrificed isn't exactly what scares me. Its the inadequacy of living up to that that does.

Of course, there are two things gunning for me in this case.

1. I've served a mission. I find myself compatible with nearly every kind of personality. I know that a companionship takes work because I've done it. I've been in 15+ different companionships. I know what it takes to make it work, I know and have experienced the sacrifice required, and I did this with people I did not choose. Needless to say, the mission was amazing. So I'm guessing marriage will be like that.

2. i'm naturally an unselfish person. I've always put the needs of others before mine, sometimes to a fault. And now living with my sister, I've grown more in both serving her, and taking care of things. My own needs are often sacrificed, and I've been doing it for years.

The fact that I'm still scared just means I still have weak faith. So in the mean time I suppose Heavenly Father will continue to mold me.

Press Forward Saints

Life has been bumpy recently. It always takes me a few weeks before I readjust. This is the time when things all seem to rush at once, weaknesses are exposed, and opportunities failed, and when I usually feel the most worthless. It doesn't help that on Tuesdays and Thursdays I am utterly tired from exhaustion from lack of sleep and hunger ( I don't have time to eat cuz I'm at school by 9 am and don't get a real break until 5 pm).

The last week has been a huge slump. Aside from the fact that school work continues to way me down, other things are going crazy.

To tell the truth, its just been a really hard semester so far. Sometimes I wonder why life has to be so hard. And I wonder why I have to go through this. Then I remember things like how awful the devastation is in Haiti. I remember my blessings. I still have so much.

At the same time, its hard to relate to that kind of disaster. It seems so distant. My own life seems like such a difficult trial in itself. Its time like these that its good to know that God lives. And to know that I know. That He loves me. For all my craziness. For all my imperfections. Its ok. It doesn't help that I feel like a failure at so many parts to life. But then I remember to press forward. To keep going. Everything will be all right. It always is.

We signed up for this in the pre-mortal realm. We wanted to come down here. We knew it was going to be hard. I can't be a pansy now.

I think the uplifting song that suits the moment is How Firm a Foundation. especially:

Fear not, I am with thee, oh be not dismayed,

for I am thy God, and will still give thee aid.

I'll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause to thee to stand.

upheld by my righteous, upheld by my righteous,

upheld by my righteous, omnipotent hand.

The soul that on Jesus, hath leaned for repose,

I will not, I cannot desert to His foes,

that soul, though all hell, should endeavor to shake.

I'll never, no never, i'll never, no never,

I'll never, no never, forsake.

texting madness

Oct - Nov. 2800 texts


nov. - dec. 2810 (with 5 days off for losing my phone)

Dec. - Jan. 2940 (with 2 weeks off for christmas break)

Jan. - 5 days in, 496 texts so far... dang... this is crazy for me.

My Best Friend

dug this up. lol

My Best Friend

November 27, 2008

When I was six, my mother said,
don’t go wandering in the mall
Being young and not too bright,
I did not do what she said at all.
I ended up getting lost,
And learned my lesson in the end,
That’s when I listened to my mom,
And told the story to my best friend.

When I was fourteen, and still dumb,
I thought I’d try to be fresh in school.
Eventually I got in trouble,
But I only thought that that was cool.
I never confessed to my parents,
But I did tell one person in the end,
Though my parents worried for me,
The only person I told was my best friend.

When I was nineteen, and more mature,
I regretted the stupid things I did.
So many lost opportunities,
so many subtle secrets I hid.
Because of this I withdrew,
and thought these regrets I would try to mend.
Though one person saw right through me,
And that person was my best friend.

When I was twenty two I fell in love,
With a girl who I admired quite a bit,
But I knew she already had someone,
So she couldn’t possibly be interested.
It hurt me bad, and I felt alone,
I tried to be happy, but it was all pretend,
I had no one to talk to about it because,
The girl I loved was my best friend.

painful

Do you know one of the most heart-aching feelings in the world is? at least for me.

Its the feeling that you can't do something for someone you care about. That there is nothing you can do to solve the problem. so you watch carefully, and do what you can.

Most of the time, it comes in the form of a girl who is having troubles with guys. Its because I can talk and talk, and cheer and cheer, and support and support, but in the end, I can't give them what they want in their heart of hearts. I can do mostly everything else, I can buy a diamond ring, I can help with homework, I can give a ride, I can make someone laugh, I can bear my testimony, I can hang out, I can give advice, but the one thing they want the most, I can't give. I can't give them the guy of their dreams, or give them a relationship, or give them their hope and love. Its not something material, that can be bought, or created, or made, or talked about. In the end I'm not that guy so I can do little.

And that even though I can do everything else, the one thing that would make them the most happy I cannot give. In that aspect, I feel kinda helpless. At least Christ was able to promise eternal life.

Prayer and answers

I remembered today something that my mission president pointed out a long time ago. It was about prayers and why missionaries saw so many miracles and they often had prayers answered.

He read from Alma 34 starting at verse 17 in which Amulek is teaching about praying constantly. He exhorts to pray constantly at home, in public, in private, for our food, for our clothes, for our well being, for strength against temptation, for protection. Missionaries are always praying. We pray so much and for guidance in everything.

Then my mission president point out verse 28. it read

"And now behold, my beloved brethren, I say unto you, do not suppose that this is all; for after ye have done all these things, if ye turn away the needy, and the naked, and visit not the sick and afflicted, and impart of your substance, if ye have, to those who stand in need - I say unto you, if ye do not any of these things, behold your prayer is vain, and availeth you nothing, and ye are as hypocrites who do deny the faith".

Our mission president said that that was key. Because missionaries are constantly in service to others. Their prayers are so often answered, and that the reason many returned missionaries feel as if their prayers are less powerful or answered less, it is because they forget about this scripture and the need to do service.

I believe my last semester was characterized by a need to do service everyday. I have lost that fervor, and need to regain it. This is just one reason why I need to.

poems

I'm never in the mood to write poems as much as before. I don't know why I loved to before.

still settling

This past week has been one of the most tiring ever. It feels like I'm back on a mission. so many errands, so many different stuff to do, so much reading. And the worst part is that I have not caught up on everything yet. Ugh.

I am about pretty much settled in my classes so that's good.

but other than that. just tired. despite the fact that I'm actually getting about one more hour of sleep than last semester. dead tired. like I want to kill someone tired. ....

I've come to remember something...something that has only come up in blips and quick thoughts in my past.

You know, I hear people tell others all the time to "lower their standards" as advice for those who have been looking for someone special for a long time but haven't found someone. I think that's stupid. You don't lower your standards (though many people start doing so automatically after a period of unsuccessful trying)! That's horrible advice! What, if you want a temple marriage you just start saying "not anymore"?

So I thought a better term might be to "lower expectations". No one is perfect. The person you're looking for won't be. And if they are close, they probably aren't looking for you. That's probably true. They won't fill everything on your list and match everything on your criteria. This sounded good, but after further thought I thought this was sometimes confusing. I mean, lower your expectations but not your standards? What if your expectations are the same as your standards?

So now, here's the latest evolution of thought. "Change your view". Because I realized this, we of this generation have been seen as the generation of entitlement. That means we feel like we deserve things. That's the key word. I deserve a good job because I graduated from a good college and have an MBA, good grades, or whatever. I deserve to be treated nice by everyone because I'm not a bad person. I deserve a person with this and that because I'm a child of God, and have been taught this and that growing up, and I'm a decent person with this set of skills, and that I deserve the best.

Truth is, worth does not equal worthiness. We are child of God, but at the same time, we need to understand that even if we give our best in everything we are still pretty much as useful as dust. (Mosiah 2:21).

So the best thing then is to change our view of others and what we deserve, and instead, look at people for who they are instead of what they can do for you or make you be. Besides, we ourselves need plenty of sprucing up before we can demand anything of anyone (if we ever can reach that point).

1st day of school.

Well, its been interesting. To say the least. I feel pretty accomplished for the 1st day for some reason.

I'm dropping M Com 320, and moving on to something else. There are NO girls in there. Not that that is why I'm dropping the class. 40 guys. haha. 2.7 / 5

History 202 is very interesting because its in a room in the Maser building that feels harry potter-esque. The instructor has this really high pitch screechy voice and it felt like he was getting hoarse by the end. The class is a block class...odd, and it seems like it will be a LOT of reading. a LOT. ugh. at least the professor is pretty interesting. Class seems fun enough. 3.4 /5

teacher: How did the west rise to power? Can anyone offer, in one single sentence, an explanation?

student: Secret combinations.

haha.

Chinese 202. what can i say. it was so funny because everyone of us who knew each other, which was like 12 of us, all sat on one side of the room, while all the new kids sat on the other. I mean, it was a pretty distinct line of separation, except for two girls who came in late, and the one girl, Spring, who sat behind me.

Everyone seemed like their normal selfs, Cate and Lyz began making fun of me right off the bat, we applauded Sorah when she came in on time, Christian was his normal self, we missed David, Gong lao shi, and Daphna and the rest of our class, and Spring actually fit herself right into our group almost seemlessly.

Met some of the new kids in class. they seem awesome.

Cate: I missed you guys!!

Me: Whoa. that's weird. I thought Spring said that. I was like....

Cate: ..and I was your chinese girlfriend.

Spring: Wait. You thought I said I was your chinese girlfriend?

Me: Ok. I'm just gonna stop and shut up now.

haha.

I'm going to try and mingle tomorrow with the other kids. i suggested it today...but no one really wanted to. haha

hung out with Sorah and her friends afterwards. they are really kewl.

then..dinner with esther and katherine. And Katherine got hyper. I don't know what it is about that girl, she makes me mad everytime i see her, we always end up yelling at each other, and deciding not to speak to each other. Sheesh. of course, it lasts only a few days. and it won't help since we want to take a religion class together next semester. ugh.

anyway, tomorrow is the second half of the first day. let's see how this goes...