Sheng Ri

So. It was an interesting set up leading up to yesterday. In Chinese class, we do skits. We used to do them every Friday, but we do them more rarely now thanks to some people in class who get their opinions heard more (not pointing any fingers though I doubt they know who they are). So Lyz texted me Thursday and told me a plan she had. Shalise's birthday was the next day, and she wanted me to surprise her with donuts at the very end of their skit.

So Christian and I went and got the donuts, then a card, and debated on how we should sneak them into class without her noticing. We thought they would be practicing their skit right outside of class so we decided to go around. However, Lyz had decided to lead Shalise out of the way to practice and we nearly ran into them trying to go around. We nearly defeated ourselves. Anyway, we hid the donuts under Rebecca's jacket and then snuck them into class. I wrote on the birthday card while I sat directly behind her. haha. at the end I came into their skit as the waiter, and brought out their "order", which turned out to be the donuts. we sang happy birthday and surprised her. She said she had no idea why Lyz wanted her to stay up in front of the class after they had finished performing their skit. haha. It was fun.

Anyway. That was not what I had intended to write. lol.

As I sat in the testing center today I was reading Ether 12 trying to get my daily fix of scripture as it is nearly my life source (if you want to know why I'm so happy nearly all the time, that's the secret) before I wasted away. Anyway, I got to Ether 4 and a thought came to me. Maybe this is why I'm so nice. The scripture says

"Wherefore, whoso believeth in God might with surety hope for a better world, yea, even a place at the right hand of God, which hope cometh of faith, maketh an anchor to the souls of men, which would make them sure and steadfast, always abounding in good works, being led to glofity God."

As strong as my optimism is, and as much as every comments on how nice I am, I think the hope in me resonates just as strongly. As much as I get depressed or start despairing there is something in me that never gives up despite the odds. I'm always holding on to hope. I'm not sure how strong my faith is, but i know when my hope starts to wane, my faith does to. In this light, my hope maybe one reason I'm stuck on doing good things for people. I mean, nobody knows how many times I've been shot down, rejected, or destroyed. And it hurts. Yeah, I can get sad too. For days, even for weeks. But I always bounce back.

I feel like my blog is now being increasingly filled up with spiritual thoughts. I don't know if that's what I intend to do with this blog. But it's all good. Besides, its not like my life is all that amazing. I haven't had a date in 3 weeks, and I still don't know what I'm doing with that. I am the only one holding myself back, and I haven't quite figured out what I'm afraid of. I guess I should go back to looking for adventures huh? It hasn't been quite the same since freshman year. So I will go back to my adventure seeking.

As that's being done, I'll just share another spiritual thought.

"But behold, I say unto you, that you must study it out in your mind then you must ask me if it be right, and if it is right I will cause that your bosom shall burn within you; therefore, you shall feel that it is right. But if it be not right you shall have no such feelings, but you shall have a stupor of thought that shall cause you to forget the thing which is wrong; " Doctrine and Covenants 9:8-9

If we have a question, we need to ponder it in our minds, pick the choice, and then go forward. If it is not the right choice, God will not let you get too far in that direction if you keep your ears open, and your heart contrite. Often, we feel like we know what is best, and then follow our own choices hoping God "will consecrate thy performance unto" (2 Nephi 33:9) us. We should remember that it is by grace that anything happens, after all we can do (2 Nephi 25:23). If we want something to happen, we go and do it. We are free to act for ourselves and not be acted upon. If something is not how we exactly like it, it is not the world's duty to change for us (and it could hardly care). We CAN go out there and change things, and in the least, change our perspectives.

Of course we sometimes have to change and do things without having a perfect knowledge of things. But we can have faith in God that He does and, at appropriate times, will show unto us what He sees if we ask. "Therefore if ye have faith ye hope for things which are not seen, which are true" (Alma 32:21). Sometimes we are paralyzed by what the world might see of us, or what others might think of us. But seek first the kingdom of God, and everything else will fall into place. Even if others might misunderstand us, we need to try and only assume the best in others.

Remember this, God has the canny ability to make weak things become strong. If we have a weakness we can change, which is the beauty of the message and power of the Atonement. Moroni was scared that the Gentiles would mock the things the Nephites were writing and say they had poor writing skills, that their writings might be weak. But God said:

"if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them. " Ether 12:27

We all have weaknesses, but God said if men would humble themselves in their weakness and in reading the Book of Mormon, then he will reveal the strength of the book, and make the weak thing become strong (the book of mormon). However, it also means that if we have a weakness that God can turn that into a strength. And that is a pretty good miracle in itself. The only ingredient is that we have to choose to be humble and come unto Christ.

Future Wifey?

So. everyone always remarks about how I will end up marrying a cute little chinese/asian wife someday. I find that interesting. Especially because in my 23 years of existence on this earth I don't ever remember dating a Chinese girl.... so... maybe I should get on that huh?

Anyhoo, Larissa reminded me that I did indeed post the lyrics to Lights' Quiet before. And now I post my response.

Response to “quiet”
January 5, 2010

Here we sit, uncomfortably,
What would you have me believe?
So will you stay or will you leave?
I guess the choice is ours.

The sun will set, eventually,
Indigo eternity,
On endless sea, with you and me,
But will we choose the stars?

Destiny is what we make it,
Choice is ours, so don’t delay it,
Fate is nice, but unrelated

So I’ll be choosing,

Charity is real forever,
You and I, should be together,
Night will come, as sure as ever

But I’ll be choosing, just you…
Just you…

Regretfully, you had to see,
Not the best side or part of me,
I offer my apologies
You caught me unprepared

You loved me, and I liked you,
But shining lights confused my view,
and though I grew, was still a youth,
To you it was unfair…

Destiny was what I made it,
Choice was mine, but I delayed it,
Path was clear, but I debated,

But who I’m choosing

Wish I could, punch a dial,
Turn back time, to stay awhile,
Change the past, or pass the trial

But who I’m choosing, is you

(I can wait a thousand hours,
Stay the same in sun and showers,
Pick apart a hundred flowers

Just to be quiet

Tell me when you feel ready,
I’m the one, there’s not too many,
Hold my hand to keep me steady

Just to be quiet

With you….

With you….

With you….)

Foundation on Jesus Christ

February 10, 2010

Elder Neil A. Anderson told a story once of a woman who had returned from her mission, married the man of her dreams in the temple, and went on to have a happy family. However, one day out of the blue, and quite suddenly, her husband told her that he did not love her, and had never loved her, and wanted a divorce. Quite quickly, this woman’s world began to unravel. Her distress turned into sadness, and then depression, and closely after, suicidal tendencies. Everything she thought was perfect in life was beginning to fall apart. Everything she had dreamed of was slipping away like sand in her hands. She seemed desperate and on the verge of giving up. A while passed before Elder Anderson saw this woman again, but the next time he saw her she seemed happy. Puzzled by this, Elder Anderson confronted her and asked her what had happened. Had she reconciled her marriage? Had her husband apologized? Quite the contrary. The woman’s husband had indeed gone through with the divorce. And then the woman said something interesting. She explained that after her mission her life had gradually shifted away from being built on the foundation of Christ to having a foundation built on her family. When her family disintegrated, her foundation shattered. When her foundation was crippled, her whole world collapsed. Since then, she had rebuilt her foundation on Christ and was happy again.

Why am I relating this story? Is it to make you apprehensive about your future marriage? Is it to say that family is not important? No. I admire this woman. I admire this woman so much. Her story teaches a very fundamental principle, and that is, we need to build our foundation, indeed, our whole lives, around the Gospel and Atonement of Jesus Christ. Helaman taught this principle simply when he said to his sons,

“And now my sons, remember, remember that it is upon the rock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God, that ye must build your foundation; that when the devil shall send forth his mighty winds, yea, his shafts in the whirlwind, yea, when all his hail and his mighty storm shall beat upon you, it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo, because of the rock upon which ye are built, which is a sure foundation, a foundation whereon if men build they cannot fall.” Helaman 5:12

I am not saying family is a bad thing. What I am saying is that everything here is temporary. There are things beyond our control. There are things that can be taken from us. However, the one thing that will always stand the test of time, and always be there, is the Gospel and Jesus Christ Himself.

The testing of our foundation comes in the little trials we have in our lives. I would now like to speak quite simply and frankly. I admit, that life for me after the mission has not been easy. Things are not as I had planned upon returning. So many things in my life frustrate me. You guys know what I’m talking about. We have to worry about school, about careers, about finance, about the economy, and especially, here at BYU, about dating. There have been so many times when I’ve wanted to scream and become a hermit far away so I wouldn’t have to deal with the more sour things in life. There have been so many times when I’ve done the right thing, but for some reason or other, I have not received what I thought would be my blessings. There have been so many times when I’ve just wondered aloud, “Why? Why me?” or “Is there just something wrong with me?” There have been times when I’ve prayed so hard for something and it feels like God is silent. There have been wrongdoings, and sufferings, and some of those caused by the very people we thought would at least let us down gently. There have been times when I’ve seen the pain of my friends and pleaded with God to help them, or take their pain away, and many times it seems like nothing happens. In these moments, it is easy to sink into despair and wonder what this is all for and ask, is it worth it?

But let me tell you now. It is. It is worth everything we are fighting for. What we need to remember is this, that our foundation is on Jesus Christ, the One who will never fail us. In this aspect we can be strong knowing that “if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy, if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee” we know that “the Son of Man hath descended below them all”, that He has endured what we have endured, and that we are, ultimately, not alone. (D&C 122:7-8)

This was most clearly demonstrated to me on my mission. I taught a wonderful family whose husband was not a member. The wife was pregnant again and already had two previous miscarriages. She told us how she was so sure that this baby was going to go through and as my companion and I taught her we were also caught up in their joy and their hope. Then one day came the phone call, that the woman had had a miscarriage. I was shocked, then devastated, and finally, worried. I was scared that this latest setback would curb the husband’s faith and that they would no longer want to take the lessons from us. After all, how can God do this to them when they were doing the right thing and coming unto Christ?

Apprehensively, my companion and I went to the hospital to visit the lady and her husband. I sat there not knowing how best to comfort them. I had never had children, and had never experienced anything like this before. Gradually, I asked her how she was feeling. Her response was uplifting, and filled with faith that far outshone mine. She said something along the lines of, “I don’t know why God has done this. Perhaps there is a reason that we don’t know. I know I will see my child again, but I have not lost faith in God”. Her husband echoed the same sentiment. Amidst my own fear and lack of faith, this couple’s strength and foundation in Christ took them through this crisis. We sang “How Great Thou Art” together and I couldn’t help but cry because I realized both how strong they were and how weak I was.

I hope none of us will have to go through that experience or anything similar to that. But I have witnessed first hand the miracle of the Atonement, and how a strong foundation in Christ has carried people through crisis and trials in their life.

I know our own trials, while compared to this couple that I taught may be small, is of our own importance to us. We may say, “well that’s them, and this is me” or feel the seemingly more significant weight of our own challenges because it is more real to us. Everyone faces different trials. I just talked to a friend recently who told me she was unsure of what the future held for her career wise and that she may want to delay graduation to await the economy to get better.

We have suffered uncertainty, and certainly heartbreaks. I think we go through this the most as college students. I know I do. The agony of searching for dates, and getting rejected, and being considered unwanted is sometimes too much for me to handle. I often say, “I want to do what’s right. Its not like I want to kill someone. I just want to marry and move forward. How come this is so difficult?” In times like these I think its wise to take a step back and remember what Jesus said.

“Lay not for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal.: but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal: For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.” (Matthew 6:19-21)

In our search for someone, we need to remember that our goal is heaven and not just to get married. If our ultimate objective, our treasure, is the celestial kingdom, no one can rob us of that goal. And if that is our goal, our hearts will be there where no one can corrupt, or rust, or most importantly right now, break.

And finally, one last thing about pressing forward with that foundation in Christ.

When things seem unbearable, and our world crashes, we should remember not to get too careless into thinking just about ourselves. I think this is best illustrated with a poem I found in the New Era on my mission and it is one of my favorites.

When the end of the day is just ahead,
And there’s still not time for you,
Just remember these four words:
Somebody had it harder.

When the night is cold and the air is still,
Your only friend’s the silent moon,
Just repeat: “Be not afraid.”
Somebody had it harder.

When you’ve run away to find yourself,
And all you have to show is a tired body,
Someone ran just as far;
Somebody had it harder.

He bled and sighed as they raised Him high;
For our sins He was a martyr.
No one who has ever lived
Has had it any harder.

Frank Preston, “Somebody Had It Harder,” New Era, Nov 2003, 33

I know that God lives because of the love I have felt and the prayers He has answered. I know that even if friends betray us, family fall away, and there is “change and decay in all around I see” (Abide With Me, Hymn 166), there is my Redeemer who knows what I am going through, and who knows what you are going through. He is the one who changes not. I pray that He will abide with you as He has with me.

Still Me

So I realized something. After being battered and worn, I realize that in many ways, I have not improved all that much from last year. The reason why I feel like I've gotten better is because the challenges this year are different, and that I have had a bit less drama this year.

However, I realize that I still possess so many of the same weaknesses as last year. I am still the same person who makes stupid mistakes and lets pride get in the way.

Today it just wore me out, and too many events went awry because of my own actions. I think I have some repenting to do. Its been a while since I've felt Godly sorrow, felt the disappointment of Heavenly Father, and felt despair. Its not depression. But despair from realizing you willingly did something wrong and that you now see the consequences of how wickedness never was happiness. You feel desperate to regain the appropriate footing with the Spirit and to be in good standing with God. Its like the miserable feeling you get when you realized you disappointed your parents in a way you didn't imagine, but worst of all, that sinking feeling you get because you had initially done it intentionally yet hadn't realized the disastrous consequences.

Its been a humbling experience, with opportunity to step up again. I think I may also have confused someone in the process and damaged a friendship. Here's to climbing the road back to appropriate footing.

Big Fear

One of my greatest fears is this: to marry a girl who might lose her faith in the Gospel and lose the light of Christ. OR, be inactive in spiritual progression. OR, be unaware of spiritual things.

I think that is one of my greatest fears because you can never know just by looking at someone. You can't even know after dating for a while and even for a few years. You can predict how strong they can be, but losing a testimony can happen to anyone at the most surprising times.

I remember there were times on my mission where I'd talk to anti-Mormons, or atheists, or philosophers, and, yes, I felt the Spirit withdraw during those times when those meetings were prolonged. At first I couldn't understand the empty feeling I was getting, and later realized it was the withdrawal of the Holy Spirit.

When those times happened I would be able to look at my companion and think, "THANK GOODNESS, I am not doing this alone" and I would thank God tremendously. After one particularly discouraging meeting I turned and said to my companion, "I am so thankful you also believe the Gospel to be true" and we just sat there in the car, feeling the confirmation of the Spirit as it bore witness to us that we both did indeed know and it strengthened our companionship. That feeling was an indescribable feeling of gratitude and the relieving of stress was incredible. When you feel the most alone in the world, and realize how real the war is, its nice to know there is someone standing beside you, fighting as hard as they can for you too.

I know there will be times where my own foundation in Christ will be shaken, my testimony battered, my spirit crushed. It is during those times where I'd love to be able to turn to my wife and say, "I'm thankful you also believe the Gospel to be true" and know that she knows. Then the Spirit will bear witness again, strengthening our faith to continue our battles another day.

a moment from Chinese class

Shalise: How do you think she makes those (soy sauce eggs)? I bet she cooks them until the shell comes off!

Me: Shalise. I know where they come from. They come from soy sauce chickens.

Shalise: False.

Rachel: No. What you do is feed them soy sauce. Yeah.

Christian: Yeah. Haven't you ever heard of soy sauce chickens?

Me: C'mon. see. we all know

Christian: Have you ever grown chickens?

Shalise: No...

Me: I haven't. But I've eaten a lot.

hahaha.

Me: hey Shalise, what's the answer to number one?

Shalise: I'm not going to help you.

*teacher passing by handing out the quiz*

Me: c'mon shalise, I helped you cheat on the last test.

haha