how come the trials always seem to pile on all at around the same time? I handled some with ease, and thought I was clear, but....obviously not. Well, we'll see what happens.

Performed at the volleyball game last night. I think i did pretty well, except for the fact i was looking down a lot...on account of the fact that I think I would have been too nervous if I looked up at the audience. There were so many people there!! But it went great, I messed up a couple times, but overall, better than I feared. And the crowd got pretty into "Transform Ya" so that was awesome. It was a good growing experience. I don't even know if we won or not. lol.

So I reread Holland's talk "Remember Lot's Wife". The first time I heard it, I felt a renewal of energy to have more faith and to do better and to look forward to the future. This time reading it I realized there were some things I need to repent of.

He talked about how Lot's wife turned back to look at Sodom and Gomorrah after having been commanded not to. She was turned into a pillar of salt. So why such a severe consequence? I have always wondered that myself. Apparently, according to Holland, it wasn't just that she looked back, but looked back longingly, perhaps with some resentment toward God and doubting the future. Its interesting to note that Holland says, "faith is always pointed toward the future". It builds on the past but doesn't live there.

For us, its either not letting go of the past because of the good old days there and/or not letting go of past mistakes of both yourself and others. I realized I've done both, especially, very frequently, the first one. too often, when times get hard I say "well, maybe i can just go back to california. I had more friends there, more people who cared, family, and a sharper dating pool" and I start reminiscing of old times wishing for the past. I've done this probably from high school onwards. In my mind, the past starts to become better and better, or at least, better in my mind. but that is not faith. That's regret, and doubt, and fear. Once my faith is weakened, my hope goes, and I start going into a downward cycle of negative thoughts.

But why is looking into the past so bad? I believe because of two things, one, it represents doubt toward God which is the opposite of faith. Second, it opposes change, which, ironically, is both something we are joyed at (when we hear of people's conversions) and something we are horrified at (just change in general). "It stands in terrible opposition to the grandeur and majesty of the Atonement" (3). This applies to both fear of the future, and the refusal to forgive past mistakes. Once people have repented fully "It is NOT right to go back and open up some ancient wound that the Son of God Himself died trying to heal" (4).

God has so many blessings awaiting us, but we need to look with an eye of faith. When we don't we lose energy and time in unbelieving. We must "rise above the past" (4) or, in looking into the past all the time, we have not time to look out for others.

If you want to build faith, believe in God, and believe in the future. Believe the best is yet to be. of course, a large part of that is determined by your free agency to choose, to choose God, to choose the future. "That is a New Year's resolution [Holland asks] you to keep" (6).

I haven't even talked about half the stuff that is in this talk, it is just that good.